Updates and Upgrades

Recent adventures have included my computer breaking. From my battery to my logic board (yes, computers have logic boards, and when they break the computer goes illogical) I have new parts and this is the most functional my computer has been since I got it almost three years ago. They also gave me a bunch of free upgrades in programs that I’d otherwise have to pay for, which was awesome.

Other adventures include tearing through novels like I haven’t since high school, and reading books on spirituality. No computer? I read. A lot.

And now it is back. So I’m back.

T is interesting. I’ve grown a lot. My feet jumped a size, or a size and a half. I’m a lot broader now, no longer so scrawny. As in, my shirt neck size went from 13 1/2 to 15 1/2, and my sleeve length got longer as well. On the upside, this means I fit into regular shirts now. My sideburns are starting to come in. I really do need to shave more than once a week now, though much of the time I’m still lazy and only do it about once a week.

Still endlessly hungry. Still have a kicked up sex drive. I’ve adjusted to the second, but the first is being a much larger problem than it should be.

But one of the most interesting changes for me throughout transition is that my reactions to pain has changed. The way I feel pain, when S bites me (or when my friend bites my arm and leaves a bruise for a few days) is completely different than before. Not just more or less, but an actual different sensation that is really hard to explain. Stingy pain hurts so much more, as well as very different. At the same time, despite the fact that I’m processing pain differently and needing to completely relearn my limits and thus am far more sensitive than I would be if I knew how things would feel, I’m still needing the pain just as much. But I also like causing pain. About two and a half years ago I realized that I couldn’t date someone who wouldn’t give me pain, and hooking up would be difficult. About a year ago, I realized I couldn’t date someone who couldn’t take pain, and hooking up would be even more difficult than the former. I like pain. Be it the bite marks on my arm, or the scratches on someone else’s back, pain is really important for me. Which makes being so unclear about my own reactions to pain really damn frustrating.

And not frustrating in the fun way either.

Eventually, I’ll figure out how things are working with my body.

Current Pet Peeve of T

The first time through puberty I got incredibly lucky. I had great skin, from day one through the bitchy days of middle school and the angst-ridden days of high school. Acne was never a major problem, except sometimes on the backs of my arms. But my face? I rarely got zits. My back, never. So here is a demonic duck to express my frustration.

I knew that acne would come with T. I knew that, I had been told that, and naively thought because I got so lucky the first time through that it would be the same this time. S and C are probably shaking their heads, laughing at me, because even though I have been dealing the worst acne of my life, it isn’t that bad. I haven’t felt the need to go to the dermatologist, so long as I scrub my face a few times a day with acne wash, and every other day with a deeper exfoliant.

No, the pet peeve are zits just inside my nostril. They hurt. Moreover, I have pretty terrible allergies, and so every time I blow my nose, it hurts even more.

It drives me crazy. It annoys me endlessly, or at least until it goes away again. I know I’m lucky, I’ve never needed Accutane, and I still barely get break outs on my back. My arms have also been calm this time through, so that’s better than last time. I know I’m lucky but it is still driving me crazy. Because it isn’t angering, it is incredibly annoying, constant, and every time one goes away, within a week another one appears at my nostrils. Recurring, highly frustrating… yup, pet peeve of T.

Generally speaking, acne also makes shaving a pain in the ass. Or perhaps more accurately it is a pain in the face, as it makes cutting so much more likely. Shaving is difficult enough, but adding painful bumps I have to dodge just makes it worse. At least I have some whiskers to shave, right? Still…

Owie.

On Facial Hair: Incoming… ish.

I’m at the point where I actually do need to shave every week. Not that I have enough facial hair to grow anything worthwhile, not even to get the “scruffy” kind of look. But if I don’t shave every week, I have those awkward hairs sticking out, just enough to be able to say to myself “Look how much more I have!” but not enough to actually grow anything like sideburns or a mustache.

I want sideburns. Not giant Elvis style mutton-chop sideburns, but some small sideburns that drop down and help masculinize my face. Slash, it would make it a lot easier to square them off if my hairline didn’t end at the top of my ears. I feel like it looks weird on me. I want sideburns already dammit!

Not my style of sideburns...

But unlike my brother, that isn’t where my facial hair is coming in the quickest. Rather, the fastest coming in is my (hopefully to be) mustache. I can’t really complain. I want the ability to grow a nice, carefully groomed, ‘stache. Ideally, it won’t be a creepy one, but the sibling rivalry side of me really wants to have a mustache, as my oldest brother can only now just barely grow one. One up him on something, as he is much taller, stronger, bigger, and has less hair. I defiantly beat him on the hair on top of my head bit…

Everywhere else, my hair is coming in thicker, and darker. My legs are the most noticeable, there is a lot more, and a lot thicker. Staring at my ass every week for my injection, I notice the increase there as well. Even on my chest, there is more fuzz, though it is all still blonde (in rather stark contrast to my very dark hair.) But my face? I feel like it’s the turtle in the race against the rabbit, but I have yet to find out if there is going to be any winning with it.

Because regardless, I want more, because I’m at the point where I do need to think about shaving regularly. And if I have to be shaving, I want it to at least be worth it.

Quick Update

Been a busy week, and looking at another one ahead of me. But some exciting new developments!

My voice actually cracked last week. In a room full of witnesses, which needless to say caused all my friends to give me some good-natured teasing that I saw as much overdue. Because it FINALLY cracked. It’s dropping more and more. THANK YOU FULL DOSE!

My legs are getting more hairy, as is my ass. The later I noticed when doing my injections, each week I just see more hair there, because otherwise I admit, I don’t look at my ass all that much. My arms aren’t any noticeably hairier, nor is my stomach. I don’t’ think my back is, but that is more S’s area.

There is so much I want to say, and quite a few entries I’ve started but haven’t had the time to do them the justice of making them good enough. What is amazing to me is that I’m doing so well, and yet writing so much. I’m not writing because shit is going wrong, I’m frustrated that I don’t have more time to do what I want, from writing to seeing S more. Because for once, I’m in a happy, healthy relationship. I’m writing things that interest me in here, not about how my life is falling apart. Testosterone has been going really well. Etc. etc. etc.

Regardless, there are some entries coming, ones that probably contain ideas that aren’t going to be as popular as some of the things I’ve written.

Is It Really So Hard To Get It Right?

Spending the night before my three-month appointment hanging out with people who I haven’t talked much to in years, and have barely seen since high school will be fascinating. Especially as these two used to be very close friends, and one is really terrible about names and pronouns. Hearing my birth name gets frustrating, all the more as my family are the only people who use it anymore around me, except in very specific legal circumstances. So spending the night with these old friends, who might well not call me by the proper name or pronouns, means I might end up exceptionally frustrated before the end of the night.

I wonder if they will notice the differences in my appearance and voice. I wonder if they will notice the effects of the testosterone, or even if they will generally notice how much I’ve changed over the years.

Asking a transperson what their birth name was is really rude, for the record. No, I don’t have any reason to tell you something that matters absolutely not at all. If Josh wants you to know he was given the name Rachel at birth, that’s his choice, but I am no Josh. I’ve gotten to the point where unless I have to deal with the legal aspects, I never use my birth name. The legal aspects are going to be dealt with soon, but currently there is just too much upheaval in my life to actually sit down and change my name legally.

Testosterone has effects, unfortunately one of them I was far too hopeful and spoke way to soon. Still getting that damned period, although it is distinctly less heavy than it used to be. The first day I swore I was just spotting, and then it came back for a second day, which is always my heaviest day, including this time but at least this time it was the equivalent of a first day. My top lip has some dark hairs on it, noticable to me and S, and apparently a friend who gets close enough to my face and stares for a bit. (Really it’s not that hard, she just decided to do that the day after I shaved.) My voice is definitely lower. And joy of joys, I’m getting more hair. A bit more on my thighs, definitely some spreading of pubic hair, and some darkening of hair on my stomach. So far I’ve gotten no more/no darker on my arms, chest, or back. At least… that I’ve noticed.

My voice makes me happy the more I get used to not speaking in my head voice. Testosterone has its effects. My voice is definitely one of them. I hope that things speed up a bit/get more pronounceable after my 3 month appointment. I’ve been on a half dose so far, and after the appointment I should be allowed to go up to a full dose every week. Admittedly, subq injections every week are known to be slower than standard IM injections every/every other week, but much less drastic for mood swings. So, sure it is going a little slow. But I am getting facial hair, earlier than thought. And my voice is changing. Be patient, I keep telling myself.

Patience may be a virtue, but this tranny who wants rid of squeaky voice, smooth face, and bleeding every few weeks is not someone for whom virtue is particularly important. Give me it already! ^_^

Shaving- No Romantics Here

My goal for this blog was roughly 3 updates per month, knowing how bad I am at keeping stuff like this up. I’m proud to have surpassed my expectations.

Shaving was never something I looked forward to. It is the unfortunate by-product of facial hair, which is something I have not only been looking forward to but am anxiously awaiting it to arrive. Some people never really grow much facial hair, cisguys, transguys, whoever. I hope that I will not be one of them, who after years and years of trying, can’t get anything more than a patchy, scraggly excuse for… well… anything. Looking at my family, I probably don’t have anything to worry about. Either way it ends up going, I’ve been scanning my face frequently for signs of whiskers, or bad acne, one with hope, the other with resigned dread. So far, I’ve actually been lucky on both counts.

But was it really a whisker or two? Or even more that were coming in? I couldn’t be certain, because some of it may just have been wishful thinking on my part. Thus, I decided to shave.

This morning was not the first time I’ve shaved my face, nor will it be the last. I do not like it. Maybe I had that enamoured “Holy crap, I’m shaving my face” the first or second time I did it, but despite the fact that “peach fuzz” detracts from ‘passing’ I quickly avoided shaving. I quit shaving my legs, after a few arguments with my mother over this, for one simple reason: it took way too much time. Gender only really factored in with respect to the fact that I had no reason TO shave, other than appeasing my mother. Smooth legs can be fun, regardless of gender presentation. Back to my face, however, I decided to shave to see how much of what I was seeing was me looking with rose-tinted glasses, and how much was genuine. Shaving one’s face may cover less area, may not involve having to navigate annoying things like knees and ankles, but is far more annoying and difficult. If it was just about ease of shaving, and time, I’d take legs over face any day.

At least, my shaving cream and razor seem to do the trick without too much in the way of razor burn or other such unfortunate things. Maybe it’s because I only shave on rare occasions, but so far the double-bladed razor and the cream are quite great. Though the razor was originally a pain in the ass to find, as I wanted only two blades, not three or four. I mean, I didn’t even have whiskers, there is no reason for me to be scraping up my skin that much. Though one of these days I should get an aftershave balm. Gotta look into that…

I’ll update more on the whisker results are once I’ve had a chance to figure it out myself.

In other news, very little physical changes to update on, other than quite mild acne, but still a step up from before. Still same-ish sizes, and thus I’m assuming height and weight as well. One of the most important things will be tested this week, namely whether or not I get my period. Here’s to hoping it shall not arrive.