For some reason I’m not succeeding in writing about current things in my life, little though there may be, so I shall write a memory. Sure, it may be filled in here or there, but I never claimed to have a good memory. But it is rather ingrained in my mind…
It was one of those nights where it was cold-though-not-exactly-winter. Maybe it was a February thaw, maybe it was a cold night in march. We walked, hand in hand, except when our hands broke for a grope, a kiss, a shove, a scratch… anything really. Our hands were all over each other. We walked to the playground, just to be outside, without parents. To not fuck in the car, again. We walked to the plastic playground, lit by the moon and a yellow street lamp casting shadows of trees.
Under the jungle gym, she shoved me up against the plastic tic-tac-toe, and quickly reached under my shirt. She kissed me, hard, as she twisted my nipple, hard. She didn’t do things by halves. She leaned in again, this time going for my neck, biting down and adding to my bruises there. My hands found their way under her jacket and shirt, my nails leaving red trails across her back.
But mostly I remember the moon, and her hand unzipping my jeans and without pulling them down, finding their way under my underwear and sliding inside me. I mostly remember the moon, and the feel as her other hand slid around my neck and began to squeeze.
I stopped breathing. I stopped trying to breathe. I could have still, I think, but I didn’t even try to find out.
She let go for a moment, and I took a few breaths, nodding to her to put her hand back. She squeezed harder that second time, and longer. I closed my eyes, closed myself off from the world. No sight, no breath, and everything began to fade to white as I got off.
I don’t remember the feel of her fingers inside me that night. I don’t remember how she sucked and bit my neck, or how she twisted my nipple, just that she did. I remember how her hand felt, that first time someone took my breath out of the equation.
The next day at school, no one noticed the bruises from her hand mixed in among the hickies. And that was the way I wanted it.
In high school, I was damn sure I was submissive. I remember wandering around with a friend, just hanging out, talking about how she actually had confidence, but failed at seeming confident, whereas I was good at seeming confident without actually having any. I didn’t want to have to be confident, I wanted to submit.
In college, I realized I was a switch. Pretty early on in fact, because by the end of my freshman year I was identifying as a switch, though usually with bottom tendencies. Somewhere along the way I started getting more comfortable being dominant, being toppy.
There are times when I think maybe I’m just one or the other. I’m pretty sure life enjoys reminding me exactly why that is completely false just at those moments. Any time I’m starting to wonder if I’m just one or the other, something happens. For instance, cuddling on a couch with a very scary top, who pulls my hair, controlling my head, and for those moments at last I’m finally out of my head. The relief washes over me of not deciding, not being responsible, not being careful, of not having to pay that kind of attention. Instead, I get to push through pain, through challenge, and show my strength in giving up that control… and it is a relief to let go and submit. Because I’m not any one thing and I need breaks from whichever roles I chose to take on.
But until more recently I really hadn’t much bottomed (with regards to pain) in a long while. T has dramatically altered not just how I process pain, but the physical sensations. Pain feels different. It is really hard to describe. I’m more jumpy, though less sensitive technically. I don’t know my physical limits as well, I want to push those boundaries more and more because I like not liking the sensations. The first real time I pushed past the pain I liked into the pain I seemed to not like in a consensual, trusting manner got me incredibly turned on… and left me with wonderful bite marks all across my skin for quite some time. In a way, I really hated those bites. Because, dammit, they hurt. I told her more, not to inflict harm but to feel that hurt. I was nowhere near harm, and the pain wasn’t bad for me, it got me wetter than I had been in a long time. But that was before T. So, now bites send me writhing, whining, and twitching far more than before. I don’t know how to process this new sensation, but damn am I enjoying learning.
Also, stingy pain got a lot different, and a lot more intense.
Yet, even while I’m relearning my reactions to pain, even while part of me is seeking out chances to bottom, I pull out The New Topping Book to read. I seek out new opportunities to top, to dom, to control. After years of relationships trying to throw off the politics of owning another person, I’ve come to find how much I want someone else to be “mine” (which, me being me, has absolutely nothing to do with monogamy. Just because something would be “mine” does not mean exclusive rights…) Unless I actually feel my more submissive side reacting to someone, another person’s attempts to dominate me lead to entertaining times of wrestling and me biting them a lot. Probably biting them very hard. A certain puppy learned this the hard way. Or maybe I should say the fun way.
Hmmm… One of these days I should get a picture of someone’s bruises from my bite. They can be really pretty.
So, you have some ideas about what to do with that lovely other cunt-owning new partner, you’ve played around, but… to quote the fabulous movie Better Than Chocolate, “What’s with all those toys?” Actually, this is still a continuation from the last two weeks’ question:
How do two girls have sex? (Or… two people with cunts)
Because “lesbian sex” is very associated with toys, I figured I’d go into a bit about said toys. The reason there are so many toys great for cunt owners could be because of our society’s obsession with dicks, and so not having one requires “more” effort, ingenuity, or something. I’d like to think it is because we’ve gotten really inventive and are having a blast making toys.
Maybe your partner really enjoys you rubbing their clit, but after an hour your hand is tired. This is why vibrators were invented (well, sorta.) There are a wide range of vibrators great for getting them off, from the super-intense hitachi to the cute caterpillar.
Yeah, I’m amused by it. Anyways, a very important issue with vibrators is the intensity. Too light, and you can’t feel anything. Too much, and it can be painful or distracting. A recommendation I’ve heard is turn on the vibratory and touch it to the tip of your nose. If you sneeze, it is too intense. I don’t find this particularly useful myself, finding that I prefer something stronger than that, though usually less intense than the hitachi, so a variable speed vibe is often a great investment. That way, you can pick up the intensity or lighten up depending on the day and what you and your partner feel like.
Then there are the dildos. They come in all shapes and sizes and colors, but I would say the most important thing is the material (see below.) Dildos can be realistic, in color, hardness, etc, or they can be delightfully non realistic. You can pick your prefered size, color, texture… so if realistic dildos sketch you out (I was on the border of being squicked by them for years) you can get something that only has a superficial resemblance to a bio-cock. As far as sizing goes, there are two considerations, (insertable) length and width. It is better to er on the side of too long than too short, because you can always not slide it in all the way, but it is not fun to have too little length. Width depends, some people are “size queens” and love something very thick. Personally, I’m set with the small end of the pure wand, so I prefer the narrower range of toys. It just depends on the person. Shape matters a lot. If your partner enjoys g-spot or c-spot stimulation, something with a nice curve is probably up your alley (like said aforementioned pure wand.) Some people like their dildos textured, others smooth. That is also where material is a good thing. Some can even be worn strapped on.
Strap on harnesses have two main styles. They either come in G-string style, which look a lot like thong underwear, or two-strap style, which look like a jock strap. They range in materials, leather, fake leather, rubber, latex, etc. I’d recommend something that feels comfortable to you. Though a lot of people seem to love the g-string style, I like the two string because it enables a lot more access to the wearer’s cunt while they are wearing the harness. You can also tie a rope harness, if you happen to have rope around but no harness (great for those of us who like bondage.) The other advantage to rope is that you can make it according to your size, whereas bought harnesses do not fit all body sizes and types, so pay attention when buying.
There are also ‘harnesses’ for other areas of the body, from hand harnesses, so you don’t have to grip the dildo, to thigh harnesses, making grinding against a person’s leg even more delightfully fun. Keep an open mind is all, as some people can be rather taken aback the first time they encounter a chin harness.
In addition to dildos, there are anal specific toys. The most important, basic rule of ass toys is that they need a flange on the end. Something to stop the toy from continuing to get pulled up into your ass. The ER doctors have probably seen it before, but do you really want to be that person who went to the ER for shoving something up their ass and getting it stuck? Not to mention, such things can tear the lining of your intestine. So, make sure it has a flange! Also, see below on material safety. Butt plugs come in a variety of materials and sizes, go for what sounds good to you and your partner. If the person being penetrated hasn’t done much or any ass play before, start small, go slow, and use lots of lube. As in, go overboard. Better than too little, really. Anyways, in addition to butt plugs and dildos, there are also anal beads, which when pulled out can simulate orgasm sensations, thus a large part of their appeal. Make sure however, that the beads are connected by silicone or other safe material. Beads strung together on actual string is a terrible plan, as all kinds of nasty bugs can lodge in the string.
With all toys, however, you need to pay attention to the material that it is made out of. Sex toys are best when made from non-porous, non-toxic, and phthalate free. Such materials include medical grade silicone, metal, and glass. Now, sex toys shouldn’t be porous because then they are not able to be disinfected, which means you can pick up not only STIs, but also yeast infections, or even a cold. Non-toxic toys ought to be used for the very simple reason that toxic materials should not be in contact with your body, let alone genitals, and soft mucous membranes such as the inside of a cunt. Phthalates are a specific type of toxic material that has been banned from children’s toys in the US, so making sure a toy is specifically phthalate free goes a long way for the toxicity problems.
Metal and glass both have the advantage of being incredibly smooth, meaning that much less lube goes a long way. They are often very pretty as well. However, they have zero yield, and though it is often a boon to some people, the hardness can be both too intense and no as much fun for others. Also, it can be easy to bruise with them. Silicone ranges in hardness, from traditionally very hard silicone toys, to the delightfully giving Vixskin. One other quick thing about material is that it is a bad plan to use silicone lube with silicone toys. The lube will alter the toy in bad ways, creating a ‘melting’ sort of effect. Just something to watch out for.
Material is not the only place to be extra careful about safety. There are a few very important things to keep in mind. First of all, never take a toy directly out of someone’s ass and shove it in their cunt. The toy needs to be cleaned off first! If you don’t want to have to clean toys? Use condoms. It is a great, effective, and easy way to share toys between holes, and between partners in a quick manner without having to boil or bleach said toys each time.
Maybe though you prefer sensation play. A feather can be a great sex toy, as can soft fur, or a nice flogger. The limit on what can be a sex toy is mostly limited by your imagination and preferences. Open mindedness and creativity really pay off.
So, that is a brief overview of sex toys. There is so much to say, I’m going to leave it at that, but if you want to know more, try finding a good, sex positive store in your location. You can not just browse, but ask questions, get help, and even fondle the toys you’re looking at! There are great stores in Seattle, San Fransisco, Denver, New York, Chicago, Madison (WI), Baltimore, and plenty others! Definitely worth investigating.