Archive

Posts Tagged ‘information’

Answers with an Agenda 10- Don’t Be Afraid

07/22/2010 7 comments

Okay, so this is in part a continuation of last week, as it is off of the same question. But it very much deserves its own entry. Actually, it deserves many, many entries, but this is more of a 101 level than the advance class.

How do two girls have sex? (Or… two people with cunts)

So many ways, so many ideas, so many body types. Again, for ease of typing, I’m going to call it a cunt and a clit, rather than each time going through the range of words people who happen to own such body parts prefer. It isn’t just girls and women who have cunts, there are a range of other people with them as well. Whereas last week was focused on using your hands, this week, it is time to focus on your mouth!

Using Your Mouth

Your mouth has a few important parts: lips, teeth, and tongue. There are all kinds of delightful things you can do with these three parts.

If you can guess (in a comment) whose lips and teeth those are, you win a prize. Prize will probably be some kind of lube (yes, actual prize.) Behind those teeth is a tongue, and with those three parts there are all kinds of delightfully delicious things you can do to a partner. Kissing, nibbling on the person’s neck, sucking on their fingers… there are all kinds of things to do. If you are going to bite, start light and slowly build unless you already know their pain tolerance, in which case go for it! Bite marks leave delightful bruises, occasionally turning a very pretty blue-ish purple color. Sucking can leave nicely colored marks as well, but tend to be more on the red scale than the blue.

But the thrust of this entry is more about using your mouth on someone’s cunt, because that is considered a “typical” way for two people with cunts to have sex.

Your faced with a cunt, and suddenly you are going, “now what?” My first time was aided a lot by reading; I knew what I was getting into. First of all, it is important to know what you are looking at.

Now, most of these tissues are soft, some are mucous membranes, so until you have a better idea what you’re doing, do not use your teeth. If you are not fluid bond with your partner, remember to practice safe sex. Get a dental dam before sucking on their cunt, or saran wrap (does not have to be non-microwaveable) and put some lube on the cunt side of the dam. Also, you may want to put flavored lube on the side of the dam your mouth will be on as well. remember, no oil lube near the cunt, no oil lube on latex, and no silicone lube on silicone. Safe sex is hot. So is consent, but I’m going to assume that you obtained explicit consent before going down on your partner.

To start off, some great places to lick: the crease where the thigh meets the genitals, the labia, the slit, and the clit. Licking is good to build up anticipation or to use in combination with other things.

Now, when you lean in, cover your teeth with you lips and keep them that way. Biting in this region is something some people like, but if the person doesn’t they probably will be very turned off by it, so keep your teeth covered. Just the presence of your mouth surrounding your partners clit can be an incredibly intense feeling for them. Surround the clit with your lips and suck gently. Also, run your tongue back and forth across their clit. Explore their reactions to what you do. Back and forth, in circles, flick their clit with your tongue, there are all sorts of things to do while gently sucking. Not everyone enjoys direct clit stimulation, if that is the case for your partner, suck gently on their clit but don’t play with the tip. If they say “harder” suck harder, though they may not say anything and grab your head and push you into them to increase the pressure.

Regardless, don’t just do the same thing over and over. Continuing to do what they enjoy is a great idea, but just sucking and moving your tongue back and forth the same way at the same intensity can get boring. Doing something else can increase the sensations already present. So another delightful thing you can do with your tongue is sliding your tongue in between their inner lips (labia minora,) right along their slit. Some people really enjoy this, and are sensitive there. You can even slide your tongue into their cunt, and do a bit of an “in and out” motion. Sucking on their inner lips can also sometimes bring wonderful reactions from your partner.

But the biggest thing to remember is that unlike what is shown in most porn, and unlike this bear:

Just sticking out your tongue is not enough. You need to get your face into your partner’s cunt. Lips feel fabulous, trust me! Sticking your tongue out and daintily attempting to lick your partner/flick their clit a little is not enough for most people. Also, some people just have short tongues. So, don’t be afraid of the cunt. It doesn’t have teeth, you do. Lick it, suck on the lips, the clit, slide your tongue inside it, taste it, savour it, enjoy it.

I’m someone who personally enjoys a lot of teasing for a build up, either giving or receiving. I like to kiss along someone’s thighs, sucking on their inner thigh, and even nibbling them before actually sucking on them. While going down on your partner you’re partner you may notice your hands are free. Use them in all kinds of delightful ways, like reaching up and playing with their nipples (yes, even cismales can enjoy having their nipples played with, so regardless this can be a good technique for anyone.) If you are into kinky things, you can use them to scratch your partner’s back (depending on position,) grab their thighs, hit their ass or thighs, etc.

You can also slide inside of them, combining using your hands and your mouth.  This can really ratchet up the intensity, and can be a lot of fun. I have had someone ask me “How the hell do you do that?” after combining the two. It was just one finger, slid inside, and gently hitting their g spot whenever I wasn’t too distracted swirling my tongue around their clit. Combining doing things with your hands and mouth is a really great way to fuck.

So remember everyone:

  • No teeth
  • Get in there, don’t be afraid to make your face messy
  • Careful about having something being “too much”
  • Dental dams are your friend
  • So is lube. Which can come in wonderful, glycerine free flavors!
  • Enjoy yourself :D

Now, a lot of these things are 101 tips. If you are fluid bonded with your partner, maybe you’re not using dental dams, but lube can still be awesome. If you know what you’re doing, or your partner asks for it, teeth can be wonderful. S uses her teeth very well, I avoid using mine at all costs, and the first time someone accidently used their teeth on me it was the biggest turn off possible at that moment.

Now, I know I didn’t cover positioning. There is a lot of advice out there on what position is best, should you shove a pillow under someone’s hips, etc. But really, it depends on the build and body of each person involved. So practice, and find out what works for you. Best way to do it, and you have the delightful “side effect” of having to go down on them more. Whatever will you do?

That concludes part II of this series, next week look forward to a similar AwaA except this time on using sex toys with partners!

Answers with an Agenda 9- Using Hands

07/15/2010 5 comments

Remember those awkward questions? My most memorable was asked of me by two of my friends, one very close, one not so close, during high school bio class. One was the younger sister of a lesbian, the other was a bi chick, and both were progressive, supposedly very well sex-educated high schoolers… and yet they asked. At least they knew to feel embarrassed about how they were asking, but they genuinely wanted to know…

How do two girls have sex? (Or… two people with cunts)

First of all, not everyone has sex the same way, regardless of bodies, identities, and relationships. Not every heterosexual, cisgendered, etc. male/female couple has penile/vaginal sex for sex. So, two girls? Yeah, lots of ways.

But I’m not going to directly answer this question, because anyone reading my blog is not at sex ed 101, but more like 112. So, since not all girls have cunts, not all people with cunts are girls, since not everyone with a cunt calls it a cunt, or a pussy, sometimes its a front hole, sometimes a clit is a dick, etc., I’m not going to tell you about some of the ways two girls have sex. I’m going to cover how two people who both happen to have cunts could have sex, though it will be by no means a comprehensive list. But there really is a TON to talk about, so it will be in three parts, and today’s?

Using Hands

Now this set of methods is fun and easy. Person A, uses their hands on Person B. Person B may or may not be using their hands (on Person A) in return. Things to do with hands include (but are by no means limited to): tracing patterns on skin, scratching someone’s back, playing with their hair, flicking their nipples, slapping their inner thighs, caressing their arms, holding their wrists, rubbing their dick/clit/slit/etc. So much to cover, but here are some highlights and tips for those methods:

When running your hands across someone’s back, a light touch can be delightfully sensuous, and lightly running your nails across someone’s back can send shivers throughout their body. If they are into pain, potentially digging in a bit with your nails, scratching up their back, can be quite a bit of fun. Some people like this type of pain, others do not. A good rule of thumb is start of light, and not assume that another person likes having their back gouged up and blood drawn. Unless of course, they’ve told you this before.

Wait, you say, this isn’t sex! Well, for some of us, it is. I’ve gotten off before from someone doing nothing more than scratching my back and biting my upper back/shoulders/neck area. The next day I had a beautiful set of scratches, welts right where my backpack sat, and was a very happy masochist. But sex isn’t about getting off. It isn’t just about genitals. So, expand your thinking a bit.

But I’m going to be talking about genitals. Something more traditionally regarded as “sexual” when using hands is when person A uses their fingers to pleasure person B through touching B’s cunt. Now remember, foreplay is not just fun, it can make the whole experience a lot better. I love teasing, I am a giant tease, but I do, eventually, sometimes hours later, follow through. That build up can lead to much better orgasms. Try it out.

When you are person A be careful about having nails and accidently scratching person B. Also, be aware that cuts on your fingers can greatly increase the risk of sexual transmitted diseases, so this would be the time to use latex or nitrile (for those with latex allergies) gloves. They actually has a really fun feeling, and it helps reduce the risk of scratching by accident with nails. Also, if you have very long finger nails, you can stuff cotton balls into the finger tips and that way will not scratch your partner.

When actually touching your partner, be aware that different people have different preferences. Some people might really enjoy having their labia majora (outer lips) stroked lightly, a good way to start touching the other person, and seeing if they are comfortable with having you touch them there at all. There are times I don’t want to be touched on my cunt regardless of sexual desire/attraction, even with long standing partners, so be very watchful of what your partner’s reactions are like.

Now, there is a reason I stuck the diagram up there. It’s often a good idea to start exploring and have an idea of what is where with each new person, because different people are laid out differently, though that is the general set up. Take a look. Stare. Enjoy the view, and I mean really appreciate it. If you are having trouble appreciating it, go read/see “Because He Liked To Look At It” from the Vagina Monologues. As much as I detest Eve Ensler, that is a fabulous piece. So, send your fingers exploring, take a look, and figure out how the person is laid out. Generall speaking, however, the clit is found under its hood, and below that is the urethra, and below that is the entrance to the vagina. Moments like these are when having a more standardized set of words that don’t sound like medical instruments would be nice. Regardless, the first piece of anatomy that I’ll be discussing playing with in more detail is the clit/dick/little guy named the clitoris in the above pic. I’m going to call it the clit for this post because it is just easier to type.

The clit is a fun little, or not so little, bundle of nerves. It extends back into one’s body actually, which is partly why pressing down on the mons can be so much fun for some people. Regardless, it is essentially a bundle of nerves, and a LOT of them. It is the highest concentration of nerves in the human body, of any sex or gender. That means it is very sensitive, especially on the head/tip of it. Some people don’t like direct stimulation there; it can be painful or overwhelming. A good thing to do instead is rub the clit through its hood. For instance, since it sticks out, you can actually rub it up and down or back and forth in between your fingers, essentially jacking it off (occasionally this is refered to as jilling off.) I’d recommend using lube for this, preferably non-glycerine lube, and definitely not oil based lube. Oil lube and cunts don’t well, and glycerine can increase the likelihood of yeast infections.

For more direct stimulation, a good method is place a finger direction over the head of the clit (you may need to gently pull back the hood a bit to get there) and rub back and forth gently, increasing pressure to the point where they enjoy themselves. Some people like a LOT of pressure, some hardly at all. Harder and softer do not mean slower or faster; those are two different scales! You can go hard and slow or fast and soft just as much as you could go hard and fast or slow and soft. Really. So, go off of the other person’s preference. Another really fun trick is to rub in a circle, this one is good for any pressure level but I’ve found works better when moving your fingers a bit faster.


Sorry, couldn’t resist. Anyways, another tip that I have is that remember the clit isn’t just the tip, nor the top. There is also an underside, closer to the urethra, and some people really like that part rubbed. Just sayin’.

Anyways, if your partner is so inclined as to enjoy penetration, remember what I said about gloves? It is all the more important here. Gloves protect the wearer, as hands frequently have cuts on them, and protect the other person from nails (or rough, calloused hands that some may not like.) Also, fun with medical roleplay is possible here, if that is your thing. Moreover, lube here can be very important. If the person is really wet, awesome. If not, it doesn’t necessarily mean they aren’t turned on, a lot of things can cause this: testosterone, allergy meds, birth control pill… Which is why it is a good idea to always have some cunt-friendly lube on hand.

Either way, slide in one finger at a time. A lot of people automatically go for their index finger, but I often find that using my middle finger works better, gives me a better angle and maneuverability. Don’t add more fingers unless you are pretty damn sure they can handle the extra girth, and dont’ add too quickly. Stretching a person out too fast can make them feel as if they had been scratched and can kill the mood real fast.

Feel around, find the spots that make the other person gasp and moan. Good spots include the g spot, a spot, and the cervix. Not everyone likes all or any of these stimulated, but for each one, here is some advice:

  • G-spot: slide 1 or 2 fingers into the cunt and feel the side of the vagina closest to their stomach/mons pubis, not the side closer to their back/ass. There should be a spot not very far in, that has a different texture. That is the G Spot. Move your fingers along it in the “come hither” motion. There is a reason this is fairly well known, it works damn well.
  • Another inch or two past the G spot is the A spot. This one is best detected by first finding the G spot, then sliding your finger(s) further inside the other person until their reactions tell you that you hit something good. Again, the come hither motion is good to apply here. Be warned, both the A spot and the G spot can cause that “need to pee” feeling. They can also cause female ejaculation.
  • If you push your finger(s) in deeper, you will eventually feel the cervix, a harder ring of flesh deeper in the cunt. It feels very different than the rest. Some people really like pressure against it, some really do not. If your partner does like it, try spinning your finger around the circle with a decent amount of pressure. They will probably make delightful sounds as a result.

Maybe you slide a finger inside and they wanted more, so you slid in another. And a third. And suddenly you both realize, you want to try fisting. In that case, go see my first AwaA on fisting.

So, you’re fucking them and having a blast. And suddenly their clit… retracts? Now, this actually means they are around 30 seconds to a minute and a half ish away from getting off, so do not stop what you are doing. No really, keep going, they will thank you for it.

The biggest piece of advice I can give though, is listen to the other person. If you are the receiver, give feedback. If it is good, give signs like “mmmhm,” vigorous head nodding, to “OH FUCK YES!” are both nice indicators. If you want them to do something different, tell them. Show them. I find that one of the hottest things a partner can do is move my hand to guide me better, because its hot to know they trust me enough to let me know, its hot that they know what is better, and its especially hot knowing that they are going to really enjoy what is coming.

Any tips or suggestions you have? Please feel free to comment! If you have a question you want answered in AwaA, please either comment or feel free to shoot me an email. Also, the next two AwaA (barring unforseen circumstances) will be parts 2 and 3, involving using one’s mouth or using toys.

On Why I Currently Don’t Have A Safeword

07/14/2010 Leave a comment

The short reason is easy: I’ve been doing things where yes means yes, and no means no.

The longer version is a bit more complicated. First of all, I have not been playing with people besides S very much recently, which means I don’t need to think about as many interpretations of reactions and words. It is just us. I don’t need to shift my speech patterns because there is only one set of dynamics I am engaging, namely the set of dynamics between S and myself. We have not been playing with scenes where “no,” “stop,” “don’t,” or “Ow!” means anything besides no, stop, don’t, or ow that hurts (admittedly, ow does not necessarily mean no, stop, or don’t.) Thus, we don’t need a code.

We have briefly talked about what we’ll do when (not if) we start playing with scenes where “No, please don’t!” could mean “Holy shit, whatever you do, don’t stop!” In that case, we’re probably going to use the traffic light system. Rather than a single word for “halt this scene right now,” there is a bit more of a graduated system. Red means “halt this scene right now,” while yellow can have a few meanings, such as “no harder,” “I don’t want to stop but something isn’t working,” etc. Green, a fabulous part of this that doesn’t get used enough, means “Hell fucking yes,” or… just yes. It’s useful for checking in quickly, to make sure everyone involved is still in a good place for the scene.

But I haven’t actually set out a safeword with someone since high school, because that was the last time that no might not mean no. Not everyone needs a safeword. Not every situation needs a safeword, but if you are going to have one listen to it. If you aren’t going to have one, then you need to listen to when the person says, “no.”

Maybe me saying this seems like common sense, but common sense isn’t so common.  Said relationship where we had established a safeword, neither the safeword nor the word “no” was ever respected. On the rare occasions I was brave enough to attempt to turn the person down, and held my ground with it, I was guilt tripped. When that didn’t work, the person turned to further emotional and psychological abuse. Not exactly a healthy relationship, I’m well aware. Consent is a major thing, not listening to a safeword, or the word “No” in non-safeword specific contexts, is an explicitly nonconsensual interaction. Moreover, unless there is pre-given explicit consent, then there is no reason to think the person has given consent. What I mean by that is either asking explicitly “Is this okay?” and not continuing until the person has said yes, nodded their head, or otherwise given a clear-cut answer, or preferably getting clear-cut consent before the action occurs.

I have generally found people in a BDSM/kink/fetish social context to be the best about general consent. They ask before touching me, and will even apologize for accidently bumping into me. They ask before rubbing my head. With a community so focused on maintaining things like “Risk Aware Consensual Kink” or “Safe, Sane, and Consensual,” the social interactions tend to be very good about consensual touch. Yes, I said tend, and specified social interactions. I haven’t played all that much outside relationships, and those few times I have it was almost never outside pre-established friendships, so it has come up less for me than for others.

And as I had previously mentioned: checking in is awesome too. Bottoms/subs/recievers/slaves/etc often don’t safeword. Maybe it’s out of pride, or eagerness to plese, but checking in really helps to keep things going right and keep them safe. Also, for the record, tops/doms/ommes/masters/etc. might well need to safeword. Needing to stop is not just for bottoms! (Also, for an extended version of these sorts of thoughts, go check out this.)

So no, I don’t have a safeword at the moment. I haven’t needed one for years. Not because I’m a bad kinkster, not because I don’t respect safewords, not because I’m not obsessive about consent, but because I have only been in situations where “no” means “no.” And know what? It’s been fucking hot.

Key Terms:
safeword- a word used in a situation in place of “no” to bring an immediate halt to the actions occurring.
playing- engaging in sexual, kinky, BDSM, and/or fetishized activities: I enjoy power play. I want to play with you.
scene- a specific period of time during which persons are playing: Our scene lasted two hours last night. (can also refer to the BDSM/kink/fetish community as a whole.)
Also, tomorrow’s AwaA will be answering one of those “awkward questions” that I have previously written about. As usual, if you have a question you would like answered, feel free to comment/email me and let me know!

Answers with an Agenda 8- Dealing with Questions

07/08/2010 2 comments

We’ve all been faced with awkward questions, but I’m pretty sure transfolk get them a lot more often than others. Hell, when people thought I was a lesbian, I got a lot of awkward questions…

How do you respond to awkward questions about your sex life?

Well, I do a few different things depending on the situation. But here are my suggestions for guidelines in case you ever get asked “So… How DO ::insert version of ‘people like you’ here:: have sex?”

Respond with Snark

This method is fabulous for social settings, confident individuals, or just plain fun. It is best used when in a snarky, sarcastic, or otherwise biting sort of mood. It is one of my favorite ways to respond to questions like this because it highlights the absurdity of ever asking such a question. I tend to do this when in a bad mood, admittedly.

This method ranges in severity, depending on your social situation. When asked “How DO you have sex?” a good, solid, snark-filled response would be “Oh me? I don’t have sex, I just masturbate incessantly, usually with the Hitachi, though cucumbers are positively delightful.” The first reaction this response will cause is confusion because they don’t know what a Hitachi is (or they have one and are embarrassed,) as well as confusion that you did not actually answer their question. Then, like a ton of bricks, they’ll realize you just talked about cucumbers, a nice, common vegetable, they will be jumpy around such things for at least a week.

Another good one is to describe in excruciating detail exactly what they were asking about. This one works best for ‘prudes’ and others not asking just to be creepy assholes trying to turn you into a sex object. They want to know about lesbian sex? Give them an incredibly graphic description of fisting. Either the person will want to flee the scene, or you may have begun the seeds of a new interest. Both will result in entertaining blushing with some possible stammering and hopefully a quick exit.

Respond with NYOB

Maybe you just want this person out of your face, your personal life, or just out of this conversation. This is easy, “It is none of your business unless you’re someone I’d fuck, which you have made quite apparent that you are not such a person.” Alternatively, you could cut it after business for the more socially appropriate version, but where is the fun in that? (Oops, snark was the previous paragraph, must have run over.)

Respond with Education

If you’re up for it, you could attempt to teach the person. Not as in “teach them a lesson” but as in educate them to be less ignorant and hopefully prevent more of these circumstances. I do this one most, actually, despite my love of snark.

Here, you start off with the obvious statement, “That question is inappropriate, but personally I really enjoy…” Explaining that not every transperson, lesbian, sadomasochist, shoe fetishist, person with a disability, trekkie, etc. has sex the same way, not everyone enjoys the same things somehow not expected by the questioner. Think about how much anal sex is trumped as the way to have gay male sex, yet two of my fag friends prefer oral and aren’t big into either catching or pitching with the ass.

You also don’t need to explain your own preferences, but I like to ground things in personal experience.

How I’d recommend Not to Respond

Now, again, all of this is just my advice, but on this especially it is preference. I mean, obviously I don’t recommend responding in an incredibly self-conscious and uncomfortable way, but mostly because this entry is trying to help people not do that. So, to avoid that, see the above ideas. Here is the thing- you should not be ashamed of yourself, it is not you who is being shamefully rude. As hard as it is, just try not to stammer and say a simple “None of your business,” and move on with the conversation. I also wouldn’t suggest blowing up in anger. After being asked such a question ten sixty five hundred times it gets difficult not to snap someone’s head off. That doesn’t help anyone, except by letting off some steam. Also, be aware of what method is best for the circumstance. If you’re at a corporate management retreat, snark is probably not the best answer, a polite NYOB might be the route to go. Because the point is to prevent this:

Not create more.

NB- Some people might wonder why these questions are inappropriate to ask someone. The main thing is, do you ask this question of most people? Though laid out more clearly in a previous entry it basically boils down to think about common courtesy. Would you ask this question of most people? Or just someone like that? Well, whatever that may be, I can almost always guarantee that your question is not welcome or appropriate. However, for a more explicit discussion of this, see said entry.

Very Deserved Wrath- Not So New Problems

07/05/2010 19 comments

I’m very, very angry.

The other day, I tweeted a link to an article that pissed me off. It took me a few clicks to track down the original article, Preventing Homosexuality (and Uppity Women) in the Womb?, but here it is. I’m not angry at those authors, if anything I’m impressed by how they managed to both maintain journalistic objectivity while highlighting their much deserved indignation. Or perhaps rage might be a better word?

I’m enraged.

First of all, the scientist in me is enraged. As well as the mathematician. Or well, perhaps I should say person with a brain. Anyone who has taken an entry level statistics course, or even sat in on the first day or two of an entry level statistics course, knows the difference between causation and correlation. In fact, a person who took a pretty bad AP Psychology course would have been taught the difference (I know, I took one.) Correlation DOES NOT EQUAL causation. How the hell could someone have made it through medical school without learning that? CAH is correlated with lower interest in “normal” female activities, such as child bearing/rearing. On the other hand, depending on the way CAH manifests and the degree to which it manifests, there is a good chance that you were socialized in a very different way.

“CAH women as a group have a lower interest than controls in getting married and performing the traditional child-care/housewife role.” [quoted in the article from a paper by the assholes.]

I’m sorry, but you seem to be missing a rather key point here. There is a correlation between those the article defines as women with CAH (it did not mention if it included those who were also trans-identified) and enacting “traditional” women’s behavior. It did not say that the ‘lower interest’ was a statistically significant degree lower, did not question how much of lowered interest was a reaction to being treated badly by men, did not account for variances in sexual orientation (my bet is that wanting to be a housewife for a woman is not part of a “traditional” role) but beyond all else none of the things these supposed doctor/researchers addressed mentioned that the lowered interest might be a reaction to their socialization.

And that, brings me to my outrage as a person. If you are brought up being told you are less of a woman, less of a person, that you are abnormal, being told that you are biologically less of a woman, your interest in those womanly activities could well decrease. Being told repeatedly that you are not worthy, in that your worth is less, is bullshit but happens a lot to a variety of people, especially those who are intersex, or have intersex related biologies.

But they aren’t just targeting woman with CAH. They are targeting “gender related behaviours” including career preference, as well as sexual orientation, with the ideal goal of having all of such things being preventable with a steroid considered dangerous enough that the medical consensus says that it should only be used in “Controlled clinical trials with IRB oversight.” The doctors making these drastic claims about prenatal use of ‘dex’ are not doing any such things. Moreover, there is not yet an understanding over what long-term effects this would have on either the parent or the child. Steroids alter a lot of different things at once, they aren’t as targeted as people often think, and using one with unknown results, with unknown side effects, to “treat” things that aren’t even a problem, is total bullshit.

Beyond anything or everything else, this article shows how there are people desperate to “cure” people who are not sick, diseased, or in any way a problem. Being a lesbian isn’t a problem, it isn’t a disease, I’m sorry but someone should really welcome Dr. New to 1973/75 (When homosexuality was no longer categorized as a mental illness by the American Psychiatric Association and the American Psychological Association respectively.) An old friend of mine, who was a self-identified raging-dyke, used to enjoy fake coughing on homophobes and then telling them, “You’ve caught the gay, in three days you’ll start itching and liking :insert same gender here:.” Someone should really inform these doctors that 1- there is nothing wrong with being gay, 2- it isn’t contagious, it isn’t a disease, it isn’t a problem, so the medical industry should get the hell out,  and 3- by her own standards, Dr. New is “abnormal” and should be cured. As many readers pointed out, if Dr. New is a woman in a ‘traditionally male profession’ and not at home simply being a housewife. She fits her own criteria of “behavioural masculinization.”

Not having maternal desires isn’t a problem, and isn’t “unwomanly.” Enjoying the pleasure of touch, licking, sucking, and fucking women isn’t “unwomanly,” (and if you think it is, think again.) Attempting a cure, means there is something to be cured, and just further alienates GBL people. But trying to cure woman for desiring something besides being a homemaker is beyond sexist, it is so unthinkably enraging that I rather want to smash something. If uppity women are bad, and lesbians need curing, what the hell does that mean for someone like me? Dramatic research should mention it’s potentaily broader implications, and this set of bad science has a lot of broader implications.

Rather than even considering tackling the societal problems that cause many of the issues, Dr. New and her college are attempting to treat it medically in a very dangerous way. And for that, yes, I am enraged.

Needless to say, we do not think it reasonable or just to use medicine to try to prevent homosexual and bisexual orientations. Nor do we think it reasonable to use medicine to prevent uppity women, like the sort who might raise just these kinds of alarms. Consider that our declaration of our conflict of interest.
Preventing Homosexuality (and Uppity Women) in the Womb?

I need to never meet this person. I am not a violent person, nor an angry person. I get angry very rarely, and almost always it is of this variety, righteous wrath.

Answers with an Agenda 6- Introducing BDSM

06/24/2010 3 comments

You’ve met someone. Or someone(s). Maybe you took things slow, maybe you dived right in, head first, but suddenly you realize there is a bit of a discrepancy. You have this whole background and interest in BDSM, and your new partner… has never engaged in such things before, either physically or mentally.

How do I get my partner interested in BDSM?

Some people like it, know they like it, and will be upfront about it. Some people are either embarrassed, or never thought about it before. And it is definitely possible for partners, with vastly different backgrounds, tastes, and experiences to find a happy common ground for them to play.

disclaimer I am not advocating lying, duplicity, or anything like that. I am giving suggestions for ways to ease a partner into BDSM, enabling them to think about it/engage in activities in a healthy manner rather than with fear or shame.

In various conversations, I’ve pointed out that there isn’t a clear line when people cross over into the realms of BDSM. When does running your nails down someone’s back, or biting their neck, cross into pain play? When does pinning someone down during sex become power play? How often do people buy their partners pink fuzzy handcuffs?

How much less scary is this  as opposed to this  ?

The line between so-called vanilla sex and BDSM is fuzzier than those handcuffs. And it is through that blurriness that it becomes much easier to introduce a person to things they might enjoy, like that flogger, without throwing them into the middle of a play party dungeon. Some people might be thrown in, and thrive. Many others would be scared off… potentially forever. And that is sad for them, sad for their partner, but also sad for us as a community for inadvertently creating someone who fears us.

Some partners have the kind of communication where one person can sit down and just say, “You know how I like when you suck and nibble on my neck? Would you be okay with biting down harder?” If you are in a place where you feel comfortable sitting down and talking to your partner… DO IT! I mean, ideally we should all be able to sit down and have frank conversations with a person we’re fucking, sucking, touching, etc. But not everyone is good at that kind of interaction (myself included.) The trick is letting it in slowly, as a part of informed consent. If they don’t know what they are, or are not, consenting to then it is much harder to have a frank discussion, because they do not have the very important “informed” part of the equation. That is why I think the slowly bringing it in before having the discussion is a really good way to go. It gives the other person more information to work with.

  1. Before anything else, talk about hard boundaries and/or triggers: It is important to talk about stuff before you try easing into BDSM. Find out any major triggers or hard boundaries. If someone has a hard boundary or trigger that boils down to “don’t come anywhere near my ass,” spanking would probably be a truly terrible idea for easing someone into BDSM. The only way you will know that, is if you talk first. Know what else? These conversations are usually important for any relationship, no matter how kinky, vanilla, straight, queer, etc.
  2. Start with what you know: If you have never used a cane before, this is not the time to start. Stick with your already present skills, because that should give you more control over what you are doing. But even more so, start with what you know about the other person. If they don’t like pain, don’t start digging your nails in deep… but maybe they enjoy using their nails on you. Encourage them to do it more, from giving non-explicit positive feedback (moans, gasps, back arching, etc.) to explicit feedback (harder, more, etc.) You don’t have to mention it as “I like pain play” or “I like pain,” try “I like how sharp your nails are.” More specific to the person, and less immediately scary language. Maybe you’ve pinned them down before, and they’ve liked it, but you want to see if you can get them to dom a bit more. One trick here is to flip them on top, and if their hands happen to be on your wrists at one point, put them over your head. Their hands will follow, and many people will start making the connection.
  3. Listen to both yes and no: Not everything you try is going to work, some things you may try and just get no response to. Other things you will get an incredibly strong response, either positive or negative. None of these things are bad, as long as you listen. A very strong response, you may want to should check in with your partner about whether or not it was a good or bad thing. Even if the reason seemed bad, it could be about intensity or shock even if the action was good. Similarly, a very positive response could lead to at another time them saying “hey, on second thought, not that.” But if you get just one very loud scream, is that a good thing or a bad thing? Well, it depends. If they are screaming “YES, OH GOD!” my guess is that it is a good thing. But this is the important part- what makes so much of BDSM different from abuse is consent. Consent is hot, it is amazing, and it requires continual observation to make sure it stays consensual.
  4. Go slow and be adaptable: Maybe you desperately want to do a role-play scene (as in, with 2+ adults’ informed consent) involving incest and rape. That is not something to dive right into, but maybe start off playing with reluctance. Find a way to take your kinks, fetishes, and interests and let

Getting someone started into BDSM and kink tends to be a long process. Not because it necessarily takes a long time for a person to be okay with (and very into) tying up, slapping, humiliation, pet play, orgasm control, hypnosis, flogging, or any number of other things, but because once someone starts going down that path, they often find more things they are interested in.

Once upon a time, I had zero interest in anyone so much as touching my ass. It was not just a hard boundary, but a massive trigger. Years later, I’m pressed against a bathroom wall at some club with a dick slowly pushing its way in (in fairness, it did have a person associated with it.) Six years ago, someone doing that would have sent me into a massive, multiple month long hell hole. That change came about with a lot of patience on my end, and slowly adapting to the styles and presence of various partners over the years.

So, if it doesn’t happen immediately, don’t be surprised. If they end up not interested in it, that happens to. On the other hand, you may create a BDSM-obsessed kinkster… but its worth finding out! Be ready to accept whatever their response.

Answers with an Agenda 5- Minimizing Feet In Mouth

06/17/2010 9 comments

Language is very difficult for people. It is full of misunderstandings, innuendos, and intonations. Every statement has multiple interpretations, which makes communication difficult, especially when a person is treading in the waters of not knowing what may offend someone. This entry is sparked both my discussions from last weekend’s KinkForAll DC 2, but also from a friend’s response to a previous entry which reminded me of how little people realize. So… this week’s Answers with an Agenda is not about sex, at least directly. It’s about interacting with someone who is trans.

How do I ask this transperson this question?

Trans people get asked a number of incredibly awkward questions. Sometimes, it is an  appropriate situation, but the wrong question. In my experience, and from what I’ve heard from friends, it is usually both a highly inappropriate question as well as a highly inappropriate situation. So, in the interest of hopefully keeping some people from going nuclear on some unsuspecting person, here are some guidelines.

First of all, if you have questions about a transperson’s gender, sex, body, identity, expression, surgeries, etc. I would recommend NOT asking that person unless they have specifically invited questions for the purposes of helping educate others, such as myself or DDog.

One question I’ve mentioned previously that people don’t necessarily realize is inappropriate/can be really offensive is asking someone’s birth name. If you find out someone is trans, and was given a different name at birth, don’t ask them what that was. It is both very rude, and actually is pretty offensive. It is not the same as if someone just changed their name from their birth name, there are a lot of additionally implications. Maybe some trans individuals don’t feel that way, but trust me when I say that I do, as do many others who I have talked to.

A series of questions that are not appropriate to ask random people:

  • So, who do you sleep with?
  • What do you call your “parts”?
  • Do you fuck like a guy or a girl?
  • Are you gay?
  • What pronoun do you prefer?

None of these questions are relevant unless the asking person is on a short list of people the person being asked is intimate with in some manner. Finding out of someone would be interested in you is perfectly legitimate, but rather than asking something like “Are you interested in me?” Because, no matter how sexy, smart, charismatic, of the prefered gender(s) you are, that does not mean people will be falling at your feet to fuck you.

If you aren’t trying to sleep with the person, none of these questions should ever be asked. Actually, unless you are very good friends with a person, asking things like “How’s the testosterone effecting you?” is often really inappropriate. Do you really go up to 13 year olds and say “How’s puberty?” On the other hand, comments like “Your voice is deeper” is fine. Comments like “Where’d your boobs go?” or “Damn, you grew a nice set of tits” are not fine. I wouldn’t fault someone for slapping you for that, but more likely you will make the person incredibly uncomfortable.

Even if you are curled up with a wonderfully hot transperson, and there is no question where it is going, those questions aren’t actually the best ones to ask. In the end, don’t ask a trans person anything you wouldn’t ask any other person you would take to bed.

A series of good questions to ask:

  • Is there anything I should know?
  • Are there any hard boundaries you don’t want me to cross?
  • Is there any language you prefer for me to use?
  • Is there something you particularly like/dislike?
  • What do you want to do with me?

Notice, none of these are actually body or gender specific. Rather, they are important questions generally when hooking up with someone, especially for the first time. They give a person the opportunity to answer as they feel comfortable.

Maybe one person gets off on being called a slut, but cannot stand the phrase “blowjob.” Thus, the language question is really useful beyond just asking what to call various parts of a transperson’s body. Like me? I call my own parts clit and cunt. I’m fine with this language. If you call it a pussy however, I may well slap you. Some transguys call their own parts things like front hole and dick, and if I’m strapping it on it is my cock. Not the dildo, it is my cock. There are times in bed when I don’t really want to be called by my name. I’d rather be called “Creature,” mostly because I don’t yet have a name for him, and I haven’t been able to figure out what animal specifically he is (other than that he is creature like.) We all have different words that turn us on… or off. So, why limit these questions to specifically for transpeople in a way that will probably offend someone?

But as I mentioned in my last entry, don’t ask if you aren’t going to listen and follow the response. No matter how silly you may feel saying “I want to suck your cock” when referring to a transman’s biologically attached dick, if that is what he wants, trust me when I say you will enjoy the response.

Not everyone has the right to ask these questions, and trust me when I say asking them at the wrong time can get you in serious trouble with the person. Maybe you’re trying to hit on them, and so genuinely want to know. Well, a lot of people don’t appreciate being asked by random strangers/semi-acquaintances in a public place, like a bar, about what they prefer to do in bed. On the other hand, some people might get off on that discussion happening in the middle of the local coffee shop. Adjust your questions as needed, but be aware that the person may well say anything from “I’m not comfortable answering,” to “I don’t know,” to an incredibly long and detailed response. But hopefully, this will help prevent a giant “Fuck you, asshole” or a long diatribe about how what you did was inappropriate.

There isn’t some rulebook on what to say or not to say to a person who is trans. Then again, there isn’t a rulebook on how to talk to most people. A lot of it boils down to judgement, but hopefully this gives you some better judgement.

EDIT: As Jhiera asked in a comment, why/when is it not okay to ask someone’s pronoun? Here is the thing, do you go up and ask everyone this? If so, then sure, go ahead. But there is a lot of problems with the “need” to ask certain individuals simply because they do not conform to previously understood gender norms. Yes, it is better to ask than to continually fuck up. But do so as an aside and not in the middle of a crowd. One, it puts the person much less on the spot. Two, it also will keep you from seeming like an idiot in case you should “already know” what pronoun they prefer. Rather than specifying pronouns, you could also ask anyone “How do you prefer to be addressed?” because this covers things like Mrs. versus Ms. versus Miss versus Mr, or Sir or Madame, boy, etc. as well as just pronouns.

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.