Under the Jungle Gym

For some reason I’m not succeeding in writing about current things in my life, little though there may be, so I shall write a memory. Sure, it may be filled in here or there, but I never claimed to have a good memory. But it is rather ingrained in my mind…

It was one of those nights where it was cold-though-not-exactly-winter. Maybe it was a February thaw, maybe it was a cold night in march. We walked, hand in hand, except when our hands broke for a grope, a kiss, a shove, a scratch… anything really. Our hands were all over each other. We walked to the playground, just to be outside, without parents. To not fuck in the car, again. We walked to the plastic playground, lit by the moon and a yellow street lamp casting shadows of trees.

Under the jungle gym, she shoved me up against the plastic tic-tac-toe, and quickly reached under my shirt. She kissed me, hard, as she twisted my nipple, hard. She didn’t do things by halves. She leaned in again, this time going for my neck, biting down and adding to my bruises there. My hands found their way under her jacket and shirt, my nails leaving red trails across her back.

But mostly I remember the moon, and her hand unzipping my jeans and without pulling them down, finding their way under my underwear and sliding inside me. I mostly remember the moon, and the feel as her other hand slid around my neck and began to squeeze.

I stopped breathing. I stopped trying to breathe. I could have still, I think, but I didn’t even try to find out.

She let go for a moment, and I took a few breaths, nodding to her to put her hand back. She squeezed harder that second time, and longer. I closed my eyes, closed myself off from the world. No sight, no breath, and everything began to fade to white as I got off.

I don’t remember the feel of her fingers inside me that night. I don’t remember how she sucked and bit my neck, or how she twisted my nipple, just that she did. I remember how her hand felt, that first time someone took my breath out of the equation.

The next day at school, no one noticed the bruises from her hand mixed in among the hickies. And that was the way I wanted it.

My First Floating World

Sorry for the lack of updates, been recovering/getting life in order so that I don’t accidentally end up having such large gaps in entries. But, the other weekend I attended the Floating World 2010, and had a blast. So here is my entry on it!

I don’t quite know when I started thinking about myself as a kinkster, as someone in the BDSM scene. I mean yeah, the first physical relationship I had included the obvious BDSM characteristics like a safeword, and there was definitely kinky play, like knives, choking/breath play, hitting, scratching, biting, and intentionally drawing blood. But as of FW, I had only been “in” the more public BDSM scene, the community, for like six months. I had been to one major event (the winter Fetish Flea) one play party (in NYC) and sure I talked about things at KinkForAlls, and yeah I did go to the summer Flea, I still feel very like a new comer.I know the words, the gestures, anything I could have read about the community… but being a part of that community is a new thing. So, I pushed myself. I felt uncomfortable, and pushed myself. And I’m really glad I went.

There were massive number of classes, some of which I attended, many of which I did not simply because it was not possible. Classes began at 9:30am and went until 12:30am with breaks for lunch and dinner… but still, that is a ton of classes. Needless to say, I want to many of them.

Classes

The first class I made it to was run be the fabulous Lee Harrington, and was called “Inner Monster: Tops.” Basically, it was a chance to sit down in a room full of tops/doms/dommes/masters/etc. (and switches speaking from that perspective) and talk about all the things that we in the BDSM and kink community don’t talk about. We talked about the taboos of our little world, from not giving aftercare to nonconsensual situations. In many ways, it dramatically altered how I looked at the rest of my time at FW. I began thinking a lot more about what was being said and what was not, looking at how certain assumptions about “how things should work” existed in our quaint little isolated culture. It also began my semi-stalking of Lee Harrington for the con.

The next class I went to was by Cleo Dubois, which I went to because it seemed like it would help me with topping/doming. Instead it was a kind of bleh presentation with a power point… and then a fairly cool scene. The things I got out of it were eye contact can be a great tool, and making people reenter a space if you don’t think they are in the right mindset can also help a lot. Oh yeah, and zippers rock.

Then, after dinner and meet & greets, I went to Dov’s class on mindfucks. It was fun, though I was a bit sad that S went to that class with me simply because the whole point was mindfucks made easy… which really aren’t as easy when the person I’d be mindfucking is sitting next to me. After that, we went to the super cool class on FtM CBT. Yes, there was a class on cock and ball torture for people like me. And it was awesome. It was run by Lee Harrington and Bo Blaze, and they talked about everything from how for some people this could mean putting needles through their packer, while for some it could mean putting needles through their actual bits. S got a lot of evil ideas from this class. Apparently she got a whole list of ideas, though I have yet to see/hear/feel them. We’ll probably go over it soon.

The next day I woke up early, just to go to the “Making Leather” class. It was good. Little to say about it other than that it was exactly what I expected and wanted- an intro class on making stuff out of leather and talking a bit about the tools and leather and places to get both without paying too much money. That day also had me attending a class by Barbara Carrellas on breathing. Yes, breathing. It was a cool class, but I think to really get a lot out of it I’d need to spend a lot more time working with her on my breathing. Though I did learn that orgasms from breathing alone are actually possible, as in, Barbara has sat in an MRI machine which showed her brain registering an orgasm without stimulation besides breath. That, I thought, was awesome.

Later, I went to a fabulous class run by Mollena, who wore her “International Ms. Leather 2010″ and began the class by walking around and personally introducing herself/saying hello and shaking the hand of everyone in the room. That alone kicked ass. And then she started talking, and engaging with the ‘audience.’ It was about boundaries, about what those words mean, how people mean different things by words like “limit” or especially “hard limit.” She was fabulous. People were bringing up cool things. And again, Mollena was awesome, had great stories, and told them hilariously. Needless to say, after such a great presentation, I stayed in the room, and enjoyed another Lee Harrington class (he had been in Mo’s class as well… oops?) about energy exchange and how we focus so much on safe sex, but not on safer magickal sex. It was awesome, and I got up the nerve to actually ask a question relevent to my life. Someone had asked about how to stop attracting toxic people, and my question was what about being attracted to toxic people? Lee’s response boiled down to that’s a class (at least) by itself, here are some things to go read.

That night I played with puppies. Go read about it below.

The next day I slept in because I was a very tired xMech… and then went to a fabulous class called “Creative Disobedience: the Art of Being A Wiseass.” I liked Zac’s comment to me about this, “You needed this class why exactly?” It was so much fun, and the presenter, Laura Antoniou, was truly entertaining. There were delightful stories, there was frank honesty, and there was fabulous movie references. “I’m shocked, shocked to find cocksucking going on in here.” (props to whoever knows that movie.) Kept making me think about how often I used to quote movies in a wiseass manner, and how I really should start doing so again. Then I went to another fun workshop, this time by Scot, on Liquid Latex. It was a lot of fun. Scot is a lot of fun. And, as it turns out, is friends with my friends. But we got to watch a hot girl get covered in liquid latex, and then as it was peeled/torn off. It was fun. By that night, I was again exhausted. So, I went to low key classes, like Wendy Blackheart’s Buttsex, which I went to because Wendy is awesome, and buttsex is always fun, and I didn’t need to pay attention to the basics, just keep an ear open for things I didn’t already know. Same goes for the final class I attended, which was Dov’s class on knives. He had pretty knives. Also, I want a straight razor. Maybe I’ll even start shaving with it.

So that was the classes I went to. The abbreviated edition. There will be entries to come inspired by thoughts from those classes. If you have any probing questions, feel free to comment/email and ask :D.

Dungeon

I was not big on the dungeon. Part of this was simply that I am uncomfortable with my own body and having my shirt and binder off in such a public space, which severely limits the ability for S to top me. The bigger issue for me was the lights and sound. The lights were really contrasty between the darkened ceiling, the bright lights, and the reflective tendencies of the floor. Also, lots of loud music. There wasn’t a quiet corner, or at least, quiet enough for my overly sensitive head. Needless to say, after the first night, I took some Excedrin from Tylerpup, and had a much better time.

However, there was a lot of really cool stuff in the dungeon. There was suspension frames, there was essentially a jungle gym looking thing, there was a play area, there was a pony area, there was a medical area, st. andrews crosses scattered about, and at one point, a ten person suspension on Zac’s 2 ton frame. That was an impressive moment. Also, I had fun walking around and seeing the little things I had done/the things I had helped build. Even though I didn’t play particularly much in the dungeon, there was an energy to the room, a feeling just from walking around, and it made me happy to be there, surrounded by fellow kinksters, perverts, and deviants.

That first night though, found me and S in the back area, where it was a bit darker, cuddling, and talking a bit. She’d have to jog my memory for me to know what we were talking about (as my memory is like swiss cheese) but I remember the mood I was in then. It was pensive, vaguely depressive, dark, relaxed, tired, pained, and analytical. Not really the best mood for public play, though common enough for my head.

The second night, however, was a blast. I had leashed S, and we went off to wander the dungeon, perhaps for inspiration. We ended up near where friends were their puppy selves, romping around on a mat, watched over by two owners. S went into kitty mode (if she wasn’t already) when it was decided we’d stay and play. After a bit, I asked her if she wanted Creature to come out, and she replied with a strong affirmative. So, I took off my shirt, and thought a moment, and started romping with puppies as Creature, in my binder. We all got a lot of “Aws” and a lot of cute responses. It was a lot of fun to play with the puppies and the kitty. There was lots of biting, some scratching. And a ton of scritches. So many scritches. And I was a happy Creature who kept getting scritches, and had adorable (and hot) puppies and a kitty to play with. And they all seemed to like my creature noises.

After that, thought it wasn’t in the dungeon, we briefly went to the pool party. As I hate being submerged in water, i just sat with my feet in the water. Lots of nudity. It was fun, and then bed.

Oh, I also got hypnotized at one point.

People

I met a lot of fabulous people. Made friends, got closer to people I had met before, things like that. Amusing moments included when a friend apparently realized/found out that I’m trans, on Saturday. So the second day of the conference, and we had hung out over the summer, and every mutual friend we have knows… somehow he didn’t actually know. Apparently he guessed, but only because I look so young for my age (I’m lucky if people think I’m 18 or 19… which is a problem when I’m buying alcohol.)

When I first checked in, we were all told to sign the release with our vanilla name, our “real” name, our legal name. For some in the BDSM scene, their real name is their scene name not their legal name. And for those like me? I mean, my “real name” is one thing, which is different from my “legal” name (as I have not yet gotten a legal name change), which is completely different from my scene and blog name (xMech.) They did not do well at specifying what name initially. Then when I got up to deal with registration, the person behind the table checking me in starting talking at me about how I could get my gender marker changed on my passport, as some family member of theirs did. I walked away thinking, “Well, you’re trying at least? But really, wtf- my legal gender marker is none of your damn business.” Also, there are complications, and yes, I did know they had recently made it easier to change on passports. Wasn’t the best impression I got at FW. On the upside, I definitely had many better.

I got lots of scritches, and some bites. I got to give quite a few bites as well.

At one point, over some meal or other, I was sitting down with some of my more newly made friends and a person I didn’t really know, and the topic ended up on anti-war activism. It was interesting, because I’m pretty sure I’d actually met the person I didn’t know before, but wasn’t up for the whole “So I was in DC at this time, at this event, where I think we met through this organization” and instead went with “So you know my friend so-and-so?” Which she did. Trust me to go to a kink convention and end up in a really engaging discussion about anti-war and peace activism and the military industrial complex. Also, we talked about food. My kind of conversation. My kind of people.

Sadly, one of the people I was sharing a hotel with got sick right before FW. Turns out, it was whooping-cough. So we were down a person in the hotel room, but even worse, Zac lost his vender’s assistant. I stepped in at one point, and held down the fort with Tylerpup to give him a break. Met some fun new people that way, also got to play around a bit with some of his stuff, which is always fun.

~~

Lots of fun things happened. I’m really glad I went. Even though there were moments, like of me being exhausted, or feeling uncomfortable, where I wasn’t having a blast, I learned a lot, and pushed on my boundaries. I got a sense of where many more of my boundaries were. So that is my long overdue write up on floating world! I should be back on track to writing a lot more frequently again. Hopefully I won’t have another giant down month like August was anytime soon!

Answers with an Agenda 7- Experience Differentials

Recently, I keep being the more experienced person in a relationship; however, that has not always been the case. I’ve been the lost one, the “n00b” if you will, when it comes to actually doing those sexual things that I had read about, thought about, and otherwise never actually enacted before. More recently, I had a string of SOs who were dramatically less experienced than myself, and ended up having a lot of really great conversations as a result.

How do you deal with a partner with a very different level of sexual experience?

Now, a lot of what I say can be applied to other things, such as experience with relationships generally, and there is probably going to be overlap with last week’s AwaA, but this is more than worthy of its own post. Or twenty.

First, if you are the less experienced person, there are a few responsibilities you have. The first is that if you have never done something before, do your best to mention it. For instance, it is better to find out someone is a virgin BEFORE having sex with them than after (and yes, I’m speaking from experience.) If you have never been hit before, good to mention especially if you have an unexpected reaction. If you have never strapped-on before, and are about to strap-on and give someone a good anal fucking, it is good to mention to said person that you are new to this.

Why? Because that opens up a lot of communication, like “shift a bit to the left” or “don’t let the flogger wrap.” It enables the other person to realize that you may not be amazing, but that you also have the potential to learn (which anyone does, so long as someone is patient enough to teach, but newbies don’t have the same bad habits.) But also, knowing one’s partner is new to something also helps the other person not push them too far, too fast.

Which leads me to the more experienced person’s side of things and their responsibilities. First of all, stop, take a breath, and realize you are going to be moving more at their pace than yours. Realize this, let it sink in. If it is with your monogamous partner, and you are very used to having sex on a regular basis, and they have only had sex once, it may be time to increase your masturbation schedule. That isn’t to say they aren’t pleasing you, stop that thought (in either your head or theirs) now. Reframe it to think about your being responsible for your own needs, while learning and growing with your partner. Cheesy? Quite possibly. (On the other hand, if you’ve been together for years, and your sex drives are completely incompatible, you may want to discuss dealing with that… slash, if your partner is truly not meeting your needs it may be time to break up.)

Okay, so move at their pace, but also be ready to push on their boundaries a bit. For me, that is incredibly difficult. I hate pushing boundaries, because in my head that walks very close to pressuring someone, which is close/can sometimes lead to/already is at nonconsensual situations. But leading is often good, and pushing is okay, so long as you continue to check in and communicate. Oh yeah, that part…

See, what is most important for everyone involved is very basic: you need to communicate. Wait, is this a theme of my AwaA? Yes, and for good reason. Checking in while pushing someone’s boundaries (“Is this still okay?” “Do you want/need to stop?” “How about some water?”) really helps make sure that you don’t either pressure them too much as well as just generally being a good thing. However, this also means the less experienced person also has the responsibility to make sure that they actually respond accurately. Moreover, if as the less responsible person you realize something is too far, too fast, or too anything, say something or do something about it. No means no (or in some cases, safeword means no) but that only works if you use it. People are not mind readers…

On the other hand, if no (or safeword) means no, then remember the very important corollary: yes means yes. If you want something, ask for it sure, but more importantly if someone else asks for it, don’t check in fifty billion times to confirm that they mean what they say.

Green means go!

Realizing that the first time you sleep with someone is very much a first is very important . You may be the kind of person who can only do things in “Never Have I Ever” like “Never have I ever had sex in an airplane while flying over Iceland…” because you have done pretty much everything else. You may be the kind of person who has never kissed, let alone fucked, a person of desire before. Either way? You got to start from scratch. (Hehe, scratches…)

The first time with anyone, don’t expect to get off or to get them off. Don’t even have that be a goal. Take the pressure off yourself as well as them, and focus on learning about each other. If it happens, great and it is all the more an accomplishment because it wasn’t the primary goal. Instead of trying to get them off, try to give them as much pleasure as possible. One of the most satisfying experiences recently was at a play party (my first in fact) with S, where I did not get off (expect a story about this at some point.) It was intense, and intensely satisfying. Also, I had no orgasm, nor did I really want one that night. Rather than focus on some extra goal, have whatever activity you are doing at that time be the end in and of itself. If it is sex? Sex is the end, not the means to an end. If it is sucking on your SO’s nipples for the first time, don’t have that simply be the prelude to sucking on their cock, even in your mind. It leads to less disappointment, but more importantly it helps prevent pressuring someone because the constant expectation of “more” doesn’t come through as much.

Experience matters a lot less, except in giving a baseline sense of what to try. Having played around with quite a few cunts, including my own, I know that some people can’t handle direct contact on their clit, while others need a lot of direct pressure. Learn these things about your partner, and about yourself with said partner.

So, remember-

• Pay extra attention to their reactions- Just because one person likes their tongue bit, does not mean someone else will.
• Pay attention to how what they do feels to you- Even if you really know what you like, the way one person nibbles your ear may be fabulous, while another just squicks you out.
• Similarly, listen to your body- if you need to change positions, get some water, etc. (Having a cup of water right next to one’s bed is fabulous.)
• Remember, yes means yes and no/safeword means no. Listen to it.
• Listen to your partner.
• Don’t try to get them off.
• Have fun! Explore! Think like a kid… “Oh, what will happen if I push this button?” Now, use your dirty little mind to come up with all sorts of devious ideas on what that button may be…

Experience comes in many forms. With S, I am much more experienced with relationships and had a longer background in fucking other people with cunts. S had done a LOT of other things though, which left me feeling at a loss at times. In a way though, it was balanced. I had a relationship background, she had a BDSM background. We navigated until we were both at the point where what mattered was both of us, with each other and with BDSM.

A lot of these things I say because I’ve been on both sides of this equation, but especially because I had a string of SOs who were dramatically less experienced than I. All those experiences, including getting yelled at by one person for not pushing enough and getting thanked by another person for always repeatedly asking if something was okay, informed my thoughts. But for those of you who read this, what do you think helps?

Recipe- Lasagna

Grabbing inspiration from Emma, I am posting a recipe on here, because 1- I’m hungry, 2- it’s tasty, and 3- I feel like it. Also, be warned that unless you are feeding a large number of hungry people, you will have leftovers. It keeps well in the fridge, or if you make three trays at a time, you can also freeze them before cooking to make another time.

So, here is a good, basic recipe for a vegetarian Lasagna.

• Preheat oven to 325º
• Lasagna pan
• 1 pkg Lasagna noodles (If you can find it, Barilla makes no boil lasagna noodles that are really good, but any will work.)
• 4-5 jars Tomato sauce
• 2 big pkgs shredded Mozzarella cheese
• 2 big pkgs shredded Parmesan cheese
• 1 big pkg shredded other kind of cheese, like provolone or asiago
• 3 containers of whole milk ricotta cheese
• 3-6 XL or Jumbo eggs
• Mixture of Italian spices (basil, rosemary, oregano, tarragon, thyme, garlic, sage)

Stir the ricotta cheese, the eggs and the Italian spices together well. Texture should be fairly smooth, but not totally because ricotta cheese is similar to cottage cheese. Spices will be visible. I prefer to put a lot of spices in, but do what seems best to you. I use whatever spices are on hand.

Spray pan well with Pam, or other such cooking spray, before starting, both the bottoms and the sides. Note- My method of lasagna, is essentially architectural. I BUILD lasagna, it is not meant to be made.

Cover bottom of pan with tomato sauce. It should take about half a jar to two-thirds of a jar. (1cup – 1-½ cups of sauce). Next layer noodles slightly overlapping. Make noodle layer cover sauce.

Next, put down a layer of the ricotta mixture spread evenly. Then sprinkle a layer of each of the other cheeses you have ending with the parmesan.

Then, start the process all over again starting with a layer of the tomato sauce.

Usually you get through either two or three full rounds depending on the depth of your pan. After the last full layer, cover with tomato sauce and sprinkle with parmesan cheese.

Cover with tin foil. Cook on middle to top shelf of oven. Cook at 325 until the top is bubbly. This is usually for 1-½ hours and then remove the foil and continue to cook for 15 minutes. Remove from oven and let sit for at least 10 – 15 minutes before cutting.

Answers with an Agenda 1- Fisting

I’m going to begin with a question a friend of mine asked recently, out of sheer ignorance.

Wait, it isn’t just punching it in? So how do you fist someone?

Now, punching is a viable form of fisting, but for inexperienced people I do not recommend it. Well, I wouldn’t recommend it for anyone, but some people do go for it. Actually, the best way to start getting into fisting is using fingers to penetrate. Personally, I’ve found it best to start off smaller, and work your way up to more and more fingers. Also, fisting is NOT something you should just “spring” on someone. Talk about it before hand, they may be very into the idea, they may run away in terror. But talk about it before. Consent is hot.

However, before you begin, first you should have your favorite kind of lube near by. You don’t “have to” use lube, but it is a lot safer, and I’d say more pleasant. Good lubes for this are silicon lubes because they have more cushion and dry out slower, and water-based lubes like Maximus that are thicker. Use throughout this process and generously. Don’t be afraid to get lube pretty much everywhere. Also, latex (or Neoprene, or whatever) gloves should be used for stopping the spread of STIs, as well as helping not accidently scratch the fistee with fingernails. If you have extra long nails, you can put cotton balls in the tips of the gloves to pad them and keep things safe, otherwise it is a good idea to trim and file your nails. Even if you and your partner have agreed to have unprotected sex, for fisting gloves are still a good idea. It helps your hand slide better, keeps even filed nails from accidently scratching, and it also prevents infection if you are anally fisting from getting into small cuts on your hands. So gloves are good. Lube is is great.

So starting off, it is best to go slow with one or two fingers. See how the fistee is responding, feel how tight they are. Maybe you need them to switch positions, or maybe you realize that your wrist is cramping. Better to do this now than later. Once you’ve gotten started using two fingers for a bit, then it is time to build until four fingers are sliding in and out of the person, and you are on your way.

Four fingers can be done two basic ways. The first is a flat hand, with your fingers all in a line, much as if you were slapping them. This gives a nice ‘wider’ sensation, but some people do not like the unevenness of the pressure, preferring a more round tool for penetration. In that case, it is better to move your fingers inwards, so that the tips are pointing towards the same spot, and the pinky is actually crossed over the ring finger. Be careful about hand cramps.

At this point it is a good idea to check in. A “green/yellow/red” system is quite excellent in this case, because it is best to get the clear “go ahead” before going from using four fingers to fisting. Make sure the receiver is both feeling good about how things have gone so far, and also ready for more. Another good piece of advice is to be sensually teasing them with your other hand the entire time, but especially at this point and further, to help keep them in a heightened state of arousal.

Now, with your hand all slick and most the way in them anyways, it is time to start fisting. This is the hard part. Start by putting your fingers into a duck-bill sort of shape:

Then, VERY slowly, not just inch by inch but truly millimeters at a time, start sliding your hand, including your thumb, into the fistee. Watch your partner very carefully, if they start tensing up, stop and wait for them to relax. If they stop enjoying it, slowly remove your hand and try again another night. Again, keep checking in with them. So, you are sliding your hand in very slowly, until you reach about the knuckles of your fingers. At this point, either continue the in and out motion, if that is all they are wanting, or (more commonly) once your hand is in to the knuckles, begin to curl your fingers around your thumb as you keep slowly pushing inwards. Your hand will naturally do this most of the time anyways. This is when you must be extra careful about your nails. This is why gloves, and carefully trimmed and filed nails, are very important. An example of how your fist will be is this:

Alternatively, you can also make a fist with your thumb underneath your fingers. Now, after you finish getting your hand into the fist, pause and let the fistee adjust to the size of your hand. Now you can, again SLOWLY, start moving your fist a bit more in an in and out motion. If the fistee suddenly tightens down, don’t immediately pull out your hand. Pause, and slowly withdraw. For moving in and out, be careful not to completely withdraw your fist.

But mostly, have fun with it! If you and whoever you are fisting with are not enjoying the experience, then move on to something else.

To recap:

• Gloves are good if you don’t want STIs, or to accidently scratch your partner
• Start of slow, if fisting into a vagina/front hole, make sure the person is very aroused and already wet.
• Grab your favorite kind of lube, and use liberally on the fisting hand and the hole to be fisted
• Place your hand into the beak-esque position
• Slide in slowly, adding more lube if needed.
• If you chose, curl fingers back down into a fist
• Slide hand in and out, though my recommendation is not to pull out completely
• Enjoy yourselves!

Hope you enjoyed my first Answers with an Agenda. Feel free to comment, and especially ask questions for future weeks!

Theoretical Definitions 1: Sex and Gender

I decided to write a few on what my specific takes on theoretical aspects of well, my identity and other such things I care about. Here is the first. You’d think that sex and gender would be basic concepts, oh wait, not so much. Feel free to disagree, very strongly disagree in fact.

Transgender, transsexual, this community(ies) calls itself many names, and are called many more by outsiders. I get faggot from cars a lot, get dyke on occasion, get called freak, friend, brother, sister, her, him, they, it… And all of it is because of sex and gender. To interrelated concepts that the GBLTQQAI-etc communities can’t seem to figure out. People will often talk about sex as biological, a combination of genetics and both primary and secondary physical characteristics (from testes to breasts to facial hair.) Meanwhile gender is something else. Some combination of identity, presentation, social construction, and whatever else the person is talking loops in there under the title of ‘gender.’ I don’t buy that division.

But here are my definitions:

Sex- the/an action; Sex as in sexuality. My prefered definition of sex is two or more people, one or more orgasms and/or penetration; however, many different people have their own. Having been in lesbian/dyke communities for a while the question of ‘what is sex’ lead me in the direction of the above.
Gender- the system, or another way to put it in my mind is “everything else.” This system includes the self-identification, expression, societal implications and the physical manifestations. In other words this includes what I think I am, as well as my body, how I was born, but also its current state.

“It’s important to keep gender and sex separated as, respectively, system and function” -Kate Bornstein, Gender Outlaw p. 31

That book made a huge impact on my life, but one of the most drastic was my thinking on sex and gender. System/function, two interrelated but distinct things. I spent all of high school honours biology having to go through “system/function” again and again with my teacher. When there it is, in a book I pick up on gender my freshman year of college. Wait, so if gender is a system, and sex is a function, does that mean the physical/biological aspects we often term ‘sex’ are actually gender?

And my brain went pop.

Function, according to the American Heritage Dictionary, is “The action for which a person or thing is particularly fitted or employed… An assigned duty or activity.” Most importantly, both are activities, both are actions. Function means action. If sex is an action, then one’s physiological aspects changes the how of the sex, but not the what. A penis, a vagina, breasts, testes, how you see yourself, your interest, your desire, kinks, fetishes, sensitivities… all of these affect how one as sex, but none ARE sex, when defining sex as a function. They are what effects that function most directly, the systems of the function. Ok, so sex is a function. Big deal, there are sexual acts, activities, and for some people, even duties (what sexual acts/activities/etc are, I’ll leave undefined for until another day.) But what struck me was that if it is a function, and gender is the system, the implication was that sex was not at all a system, just a function.

Just a function, as in the physiological characteristics we so often refer to as sex are not sex but gender because gender is the system and sex is the function… the act. Biological aspects, (such as the most commonly referenced penis/lack of penis dichotomy) are a part of gender. So that gender is identification, expression, physical characteristics… everything that isn’t the function of sexual action is the system, including the physical characteristics.

Which means there is not just two genders, duh. Nor 4 genders (namely male, female, male to female, and female to male,) as hell just the physical systems have far more variations, from genetic variation (XX, XY, XXY, X, Y, and XXX among others,) to differences between chromosomes and bodies (either for someone born intersex or say taking hormones and altering their body.) But then add on the additional variations of identification, as well as presentation… There are far more than just a spectrum of identities.

The way I see gender is like a multidimensional universe, of a non-euclidean origin (yes, I am that big of a geek.) There are clumps of similarly identified people, scattered about, but all sorts of places in between that some people are. There more potential genders than there are people… but in those spaces between the clumps there are random individuals, and smaller clumps.

That is my image. Clumps of similar identifications gathered around each other, with interconnecting identities along the way, and the possibility for things in between, be it up, down, side to side, or any other which way.

Moreover, gender is not only fluid, it is guaranteed to change. If nothing else, as a person grows up, their gender changes much as their physical body changes. Similarly, as I go through transition, as my voice drops I grow facial hair, as my scent changes and what I desire alters with the influx of different hormones, so does part of my gender. That is not to say what I am in this moment is worth anything less, rather it is worth all the more because it is going to change, it is a moment and thus must be cherished because it will be lost. (Ok, cheesy maybe, but that is what I think.) People are not meant to simply “be,” not stay, not just stagnate and remain unchanging. Rather, individuals should constantly become. This theory is actually from Nietzsche, that the constant transience of striving for betterment is that becoming, that individuals should not stagnate. Regardless of the asshole interpretations of Nietzsche, and some of his not as good ideas, those always struck me…

Gender is a form of that becoming. It does not stay the same by this set of definitions, nor should it. Sex is powerful, fun, hot; sex is depressing, uplifting, humiliating; sex is a ton of things but all of them are actions. Sex is a function, not a system. The system that effect it, however, are complex and often incredibly fucked up. Which I’ll save for another time… The systems of gender, from physical to cultural, from class to identification, are not actions.

“…The point is there’s more to sex (the act) than gender (one classification of identity.)” -Kate Bornstein, Gender Outlaw p. 30

Thank you Auntie Kate.

First Memories

I don’t remember the first time I thought “Hey, I might be trans.” I don’t remember any specific moment where things just “clicked.” I remember the night I figured out I like women, and it was within a month or two after that night that I figured out I was trans. But I don’t remember that first time things started to fall into place.

I remember the first time I got called dyke in elementary school, for being socially awkward and gender-nonconforming for the little ten year olds we were. I didn’t know hwo to react, because it was obviously an insult but I did not understand either why it was insulting or what made me a “dyke.” I remember the first time some scared little kid came up to me and asked, “Are you a boy or a girl?” and it was one of the most interesting conversations on gender I have ever had, and I almost blew up at him.

There are some things that no matter what, I will never forget. Some firsts that with exception of severe brain damage, I am going to remember for the rest of my life.

I remember the first time I played with rope. No clue as to the date, but it was spring. I took the SAT that day, walked outside and their she was, waiting.  The sun was shining, but we did not see it on the far side of the blackout curtains. We were broke, so we played with clothespins and pocket knives. She pulled out some cotton rope, from home depot, and looked around the room. One rocking chair with no good tie offs. One bed with a solid headboard, and no bars… There was no place to tie down as we wanted. So I threw on clothes and grabbed a chair from my brother’s room… The first time I was tied up it was in my brother’s chair, and it was spring.

She put my hands behind me, behind the back of the chair, looped the rope around my hands, and tied it off. Badly. They were loose, and the knot did not stay, but before I could contemplate untying myself, she had bit my neck and her nails dragged down my inner thigh. I moaned in pain, my face splitting into a wide grin. She chuckled, and set the clothespins on my nipples. She leaned in to kiss me as she set the clothespins on, and I half-screamed into her mouth. She went down on me, sucking on my clit, telling me I was such a hot boi, her boy. I never came. That wasn’t the point…

It was the first time I played with rope, and by the end I had slid out of my bonds by accident. It was spring, and for the first time, I wasn’t a girl to the other person. The first time I played with rope was the first time I ever played as me.

Slickly Ironic

The other day, I saw my friend Q, who has had a less than stellar sex life recently. A lot of the reasons behind that are medical, but a while ago we had a conversation about how her gynecologist recommended she and her boy use lube. Actually her gynecologist recommended KY, to which I responded “WHAT?!” and proceeded to explain why she didn’t want to use glycerin water-based lubes. So she got the one KY that was glycerin free, and left it at that not wanting to risk trying something she really didn’t know anything about. So when I saw her, I gave her a packet of information I had grabbed on various lubricants, and a sampler pack (both from A Woman’s Touch and a lot of that/all of that info is online) to expand her horizons. I figured she’d appreciate it, and maybe then would listen to me about how much better stuff was out there.

The day after I saw Q, I got a call. This was rather unexpected, as she is rather busy and stressed. She called to say thank you. Actually, it bordered on shouting. Apparently, I am a life saver. Yes, her phrasing. It was really great to hear, because her voice radiated with the sounds of “I had amazing sex last night,” and it was literally due to me. This was music to my ears, because quite frankly as much as I love Q, that is about as close to sex with her I ever want to come. (Or rather, I don’t want to come. That’s the point. Hush you all, I’m in puberty, I’m allowed to make terrible sex jokes.)

It is amazing what a sex positive friend can do, eh?

That night, however, the tables of life had turned. It was the day of my shot, and one of the side-effects of T that I had heard about, but never experienced, was dryness. I figured it wasn’t going to affect me like that, because though it had occasionally happened in the past, since I started testosterone I’ve rather been in the reverse shoes. S has gotten to always have me very wet until that night. Despite our trips to some fabulous sex stores, despite S and I both having lots of history, neither of us had lube. Despite being horny as fuck, despite her getting me more and more turned on, I stayed dry. And we had no lube to make things go smoother, and generally a bit more fun. Just after saving Q’s life, I managed to not have any around for myself. On the other hand, I am now on a mission to make sure this never happens again, but still… Grawr.

Even more frustrating to me, was that S seemed worried about it at the time because I had never been that dry with her before. That dry? Who am I kidding, I was all but a desert. She read it, probably, as me not being very turned on. And so while I was frustrated about my body’s lack of response to me being very turned on, I was also frustrated that S didn’t know how turned on I was, as well as being frustrated at our lack of preparation in the form of lubricant. Despite all those frustrations, S still got me off, and in quite a good way. But having to tell her that no, I am turned on, T can do that to me, was… uncomfortable.

I’m someone who is really body shy. I know, shocking, right? A tranny uncomfortable with their body is UNHEARD of… ok, dropping the sarcasm. Maybe. But really, it isn’t that I’m unattractive, maybe that would be easier on me. It is the disconnect between me and my body. That was one of the first, if not the first, night my pants were off with S. That alone has me incredibly self-conscious. Needing to explain that I’m actually turned on, that me being dry was a side-effect of T, took a lot from me.

I’m not used to a relationship where I can actually bring myself to say things like that at that kind of time. Either I let people assume things and don’t say anything at all, or I end up doing self-destructive things to avoid ever talking. I’m not used to talking this much anymore. The communication is surprisingly good… if draining.

Things to remember- T can make me dry. Always have lube. Spread the lube word.