So, you have some ideas about what to do with that lovely other cunt-owning new partner, you’ve played around, but… to quote the fabulous movie Better Than Chocolate, “What’s with all those toys?” Actually, this is still a continuation from the last two weeks’ question:
How do two girls have sex? (Or… two people with cunts)
Because “lesbian sex” is very associated with toys, I figured I’d go into a bit about said toys. The reason there are so many toys great for cunt owners could be because of our society’s obsession with dicks, and so not having one requires “more” effort, ingenuity, or something. I’d like to think it is because we’ve gotten really inventive and are having a blast making toys.
Maybe your partner really enjoys you rubbing their clit, but after an hour your hand is tired. This is why vibrators were invented (well, sorta.) There are a wide range of vibrators great for getting them off, from the super-intense hitachi to the cute caterpillar.
Yeah, I’m amused by it. Anyways, a very important issue with vibrators is the intensity. Too light, and you can’t feel anything. Too much, and it can be painful or distracting. A recommendation I’ve heard is turn on the vibratory and touch it to the tip of your nose. If you sneeze, it is too intense. I don’t find this particularly useful myself, finding that I prefer something stronger than that, though usually less intense than the hitachi, so a variable speed vibe is often a great investment. That way, you can pick up the intensity or lighten up depending on the day and what you and your partner feel like.
Then there are the dildos. They come in all shapes and sizes and colors, but I would say the most important thing is the material (see below.) Dildos can be realistic, in color, hardness, etc, or they can be delightfully non realistic. You can pick your prefered size, color, texture… so if realistic dildos sketch you out (I was on the border of being squicked by them for years) you can get something that only has a superficial resemblance to a bio-cock. As far as sizing goes, there are two considerations, (insertable) length and width. It is better to er on the side of too long than too short, because you can always not slide it in all the way, but it is not fun to have too little length. Width depends, some people are “size queens” and love something very thick. Personally, I’m set with the small end of the pure wand, so I prefer the narrower range of toys. It just depends on the person. Shape matters a lot. If your partner enjoys g-spot or c-spot stimulation, something with a nice curve is probably up your alley (like said aforementioned pure wand.) Some people like their dildos textured, others smooth. That is also where material is a good thing. Some can even be worn strapped on.
Strap on harnesses have two main styles. They either come in G-string style, which look a lot like thong underwear, or two-strap style, which look like a jock strap. They range in materials, leather, fake leather, rubber, latex, etc. I’d recommend something that feels comfortable to you. Though a lot of people seem to love the g-string style, I like the two string because it enables a lot more access to the wearer’s cunt while they are wearing the harness. You can also tie a rope harness, if you happen to have rope around but no harness (great for those of us who like bondage.) The other advantage to rope is that you can make it according to your size, whereas bought harnesses do not fit all body sizes and types, so pay attention when buying.
There are also ‘harnesses’ for other areas of the body, from hand harnesses, so you don’t have to grip the dildo, to thigh harnesses, making grinding against a person’s leg even more delightfully fun. Keep an open mind is all, as some people can be rather taken aback the first time they encounter a chin harness.
In addition to dildos, there are anal specific toys. The most important, basic rule of ass toys is that they need a flange on the end. Something to stop the toy from continuing to get pulled up into your ass. The ER doctors have probably seen it before, but do you really want to be that person who went to the ER for shoving something up their ass and getting it stuck? Not to mention, such things can tear the lining of your intestine. So, make sure it has a flange! Also, see below on material safety. Butt plugs come in a variety of materials and sizes, go for what sounds good to you and your partner. If the person being penetrated hasn’t done much or any ass play before, start small, go slow, and use lots of lube. As in, go overboard. Better than too little, really. Anyways, in addition to butt plugs and dildos, there are also anal beads, which when pulled out can simulate orgasm sensations, thus a large part of their appeal. Make sure however, that the beads are connected by silicone or other safe material. Beads strung together on actual string is a terrible plan, as all kinds of nasty bugs can lodge in the string.
With all toys, however, you need to pay attention to the material that it is made out of. Sex toys are best when made from non-porous, non-toxic, and phthalate free. Such materials include medical grade silicone, metal, and glass. Now, sex toys shouldn’t be porous because then they are not able to be disinfected, which means you can pick up not only STIs, but also yeast infections, or even a cold. Non-toxic toys ought to be used for the very simple reason that toxic materials should not be in contact with your body, let alone genitals, and soft mucous membranes such as the inside of a cunt. Phthalates are a specific type of toxic material that has been banned from children’s toys in the US, so making sure a toy is specifically phthalate free goes a long way for the toxicity problems.
Metal and glass both have the advantage of being incredibly smooth, meaning that much less lube goes a long way. They are often very pretty as well. However, they have zero yield, and though it is often a boon to some people, the hardness can be both too intense and no as much fun for others. Also, it can be easy to bruise with them. Silicone ranges in hardness, from traditionally very hard silicone toys, to the delightfully giving Vixskin. One other quick thing about material is that it is a bad plan to use silicone lube with silicone toys. The lube will alter the toy in bad ways, creating a ‘melting’ sort of effect. Just something to watch out for.
Material is not the only place to be extra careful about safety. There are a few very important things to keep in mind. First of all, never take a toy directly out of someone’s ass and shove it in their cunt. The toy needs to be cleaned off first! If you don’t want to have to clean toys? Use condoms. It is a great, effective, and easy way to share toys between holes, and between partners in a quick manner without having to boil or bleach said toys each time.
Maybe though you prefer sensation play. A feather can be a great sex toy, as can soft fur, or a nice flogger. The limit on what can be a sex toy is mostly limited by your imagination and preferences. Open mindedness and creativity really pay off.
So, that is a brief overview of sex toys. There is so much to say, I’m going to leave it at that, but if you want to know more, try finding a good, sex positive store in your location. You can not just browse, but ask questions, get help, and even fondle the toys you’re looking at! There are great stores in Seattle, San Fransisco, Denver, New York, Chicago, Madison (WI), Baltimore, and plenty others! Definitely worth investigating.
Am I actually on the fourth one of these? Really? Damn time flies. Anyway, for this week, I’m going to cover something very basic, very important, and useful for all kinds of fun sexual activity.
What kind of lube should I use?
Well, it depends on what you are doing, what you want, and a lot is just plain personal preference. So experiment! Try different lubes! I’d recommend looking at places like Babeland, Good Vibrations, Fascinations, A Woman’s Touch, Sugar, Early to Bed, Smitten Kitten, and other such sex positive places.
I’m writing this entry, because sex is messy and fun, and frankly, I want more of this:
And less of this:
No matter how pretty the desert is, not exactly what is best for maintaining your fun and your body’s health.
Most of the lubes you find in the drugstore fall under this category, but not all water based lubes are made the same. If you are someone who owns a cunt, watch out for water based lubes with glycerine (a type of sugar.) Sugar + cunt = yeast infections. Or at least, an increased risk for them. For people prone to yeast infections, avoid lubes with glycerine in it (such as most KY, Astroglide, and a lot of flavored lubes.) Another thing to be careful about is whether or not there are parabens in the lube, which beyond having some potential carcinogenic properties, some people are allergic to them. And most people don’t want an allergic reaction when you’re getting down, do you?
Now, for more fun discussions. Water based lube is great for playing with cunts, and often for anal play as well. But, as is obvious above, not all water based lubes are made equal, so what you use is based in part on what you’re doing and what you like. For instance, if you’re going down on someone maybe you are looking for a glycerine free, flavored lube (that is actually a vegan, gluten-free, glycerine and paraben-free lube. Try it, S will testify to it being tasty.)
Regardless, there are two key things I’d say to think about with water based lube. 1- How thick do you want it? (sometimes thicker is better, sometimes you want something more light and slick.) 2- Do you want it to sink into your skin (and essentially moisturize) or to stay right at the spot you put it and stay slick? Moisturizing lubes are great for long-term health of the skin but sometimes you need the lube to stay right THERE.
For a thicker water based lube (which is great for anal play) try checking out Maximus. For a lube that moisturizes, and even will leave your cunt feeling better after than it did before, try Liquid Silk. If you’re avoiding chemicals like parabens, Sliquid Organics are often really good. Actually, I’m a big fan of just basic Sliquid H2O, which is also paraben free.
Silicone Based Lube:
If you are not playing with silicone condoms, dams, or toys, silicone lube may well be the way to go. The reason for this is that they melt the surface of silicone, or even a lot of other rubber materials, so be careful. It is totally safe though for latex (condoms, toys, or clothes.) They don’t use glycerine, so that is all happy.
Silicone lube is often prefered for anal play, because it tends to be thicker (and is still condom safe.) Even more important, silicone does not absorb into the skin, so it often lasts a lot longer than other lubes, while still being safe for condoms and gloves, and the thickness is nice. Some people can have reactions to silicone, and some people (like S) just aren’t very fond of it, so try it out and see what you think!
If you want to use lube that tastes good , silicone is not the way to go. Unlike a lot of water based lubes, silicone doesn’t taste that bad, but it also doesn’t have the delectable varieties of flavors out there. Unflavored, silicone aces. Tasty? Not so much.
Another time silicone is better flat out than water based lube is in a situation with water. If you are playing in water, water based lube will dissolve. Seems obvious maybe, but important. Generally be careful about playing in water, but if you are going to do it, and are going to use lube, use silicone. It will stay on much better.
I don’t have that much experience with silicone lube, but that is in large part because when I use lube it is usually in conjunction with toys. However, the from the times I have used it, it can be fun, with a really nice cushion!
For masturbation with a bio-dicks: Admittedly, this is no where NEAR my area of expertise, but I have done a lot of general research and I’ve heard good things about Gun Oil (it’s a silicone lube, so not with toys!) and Stroke 29 (an oil lube, so not with condoms or cunts.) Stroke 29 has intrigued me since I heard about it, apparently around the 29th stroke it completely changes texture. Hmmm, maybe I should find a boy to play with and use this? Regardless, this is where oil based lubes are actually viable, as they should never be used with condoms or with a cunt.
So when should you use lube? It can be helpful in all kinds of circumstances. Masturbation can be far more pleasant with the added slickness, regardless of any body type. Penetrative sex is much easier and more pleasant with lube, especially if it is either a dry-ish cunt or an ass being penetrated… then lube goes from being fun to being an important part of safe sex. With oral sex, lube can be a fun addition, from sensitizing the underside of a dental dam, to adding a fun flavor to a cock (silicone or bio.) Actually, putting just a little (and here little is important) on the inside tip of a condom can greatly increase the pleasure.
- Amazon.com often has good lube for cheap. Investigate what you want to try, and then order from amazon and you can often get free shipping.
- The lubes you can buy at most drugstores are usually pretty terrible. There are FAR better ones out there, use those. If you don’t know what those are, ask helpful people (like me! or people at sex positive stores…)
- Silicone lube should never be used with either silicone toys or condoms/dental dams. Pay attention to your materials.
- Oil lube should never be used with latex ANYTHING (be it condoms, dams, or clothes) nor should it ever come near a cunt.
- Water based lube often have glycerine. Be careful.
- Experiment, figure out what you like… but most of all
- HAVE FUN!
Another GREAT resource to check out is from A Woman’s Touch, which is a fabulous sex positive store in WI. The have a wonderful brochure that covers all kinds of information, and their .pdf version has this fabulous table on it:
It covers even some of those more common, pretty terrible, lubes. Though, it is important to note that Astroglide has come out with a glycerine free lube. My own personal theory is that since Astroglide has been sponsoring Tristan Taormino, she convinced them to come out with a glycerine free lube. Maybe not, but I’d like to think that about her.
Another quick thing, there has apparently been a study done that says that certain lubes may increase risk for HIV/STI transmission. Charlie Glickman has a great response to this study. The study missed a LOT, and didn’t seem to in any way accurately compare what effects lube has compared to the tearing that happens when people don’t use lube for anal sex. So it is something to keep on the radar, but also not something to be particularly afraid of.
Regardless, I think I should leave with this quote from my friend Q, on my introducing her to new lubes, like Liquid Silk: “You are a life saver… I had amazing sex last night.”
For this week’s AwaA, something a little different… Sparked by a conversation with my mother, I realized that this is a question that I have been asked, but actually wish people would ask it a lot more. Okay, so maybe it is two questions.
How do you use a dental dam? What do you do if you don’t have a dental dam around?
Some of the most frustratingly unpleasant and incurable STIs are capable of being transmitted through oral sex, even without symptoms. At least there is now a vaccine for HPV, but herpes remains a very present unpleasantness. (For the record, oral and genital herpes are separate viruses, and a person can get both or either on their genitals AND mouth.)
This is not just about safe sex, this is about fun and pleasurable safe sex. Dental dams are useful on not just cunts, but assholes as well. So, if you are into licking a person’s cunt, or their asshole, knowing about dental dams is important.
First of all, if you don’t have a dental dam around, there are some quick and easy ways to create one. The first is non-microwaveable cling (aka Saran) wrap. Non-microwavable is actually important, as the kind you can use in the microwave has microscopic holes, which means STIs can get through the barrier. Just rip a strip of it off, and you are good to go. Another easy solution is to cut up a condom. First, cut off the tip, then cut it in half (the long ways). If you have gloves around, there are a few ways to cut them up to make them into a dam. One is to cut off the three middle fingers, and then when you use it you can stick your thumbs into the glove for a nice hold. Another is to cut off the four fingers, leaving the thumb, and then cut up the pinky side. This has the advantage of the thumb can be used to stick your tongue through.
Now that you have your dental dam, be it bought or made, it is time to use it!
- Use a new dam each time.
- Do not flip the dam over partway through, that defeats the purpose of using one at all.
- Similarly, don’t share dams. (aka if person A is going down on person B and C, person A should not use the same dam on B and C.)
Spread the dam over the part of the body you are going to be licking. Make sure to hold both sides of the dam the entire time. A really good thing to do is to put some lube on the dam (not the side you’re licking…) to increase the sensation. For me, a large part of the fun of having someone go down on me is the wetness, lubricant is good for that. Be careful that you use lubes that are safe with the material of the dam you are using, which is the same as for lube/condom compatibility. No oil lubes, keep silicone lube away from silicone dams, etc. Also, if you are use a dam on someone with a cunt who is prone to yeast infections, be careful not to use lube with glycerine.
If you aren’t fond of the taste of the material, there are either flavored lubes (be careful because many of these have glycerine) and there are actually flavored dental dams. As a side note, mint flavored dams can function as a breath mint in case you happen to have a dam and no mints or gum. Also, if you made the dam from a condom, if it was prelubricated then you also have the taste of that lube to consider.
The basic idea is just the simple “put over body, go to town.” But the dam, like any barrier, changes sensations. Even with lube, it won’t feel the same, so you may need to adjust your technique. This also means that the person receiving should GIVE FEEDBACK. Now, maybe this is just me, but if you tell me what is and is not working, I find it a lot easier to give more pleasure, and it is really damn hot.
Also, there are apparently dental dam harnesses you can buy or make…
Now, I’ve never used one of those, but hey, it could be fun! Another important thing to consider is if you are using both oral and penetrative methods, make sure you don’t ruin your carefulness with oral sex by not wearing gloves on your hands, or a condom.
So, the next time you decide to go down on someone, or have someone go down on you, consider both your own health and theirs. You can pass stuff without knowing you even have it. Also, if you’re rimming someone, it is can be really easy to catch all kinds of things. Dental dams can be a lot of fun, if you have some practice, and figure out what kind you and your partner like best.
As usual, any feedback is welcome!
EDIT- Turns out, with saren wrap it doesn’t matter if it is the microwaveable kind or not. The difference is that pores open up in the microwaveable type, which would be an issue, except our bodies don’t get up to such high temperatures. So yeah, knock yourselves out!
Especially after the feedback I got last week, figured I’d do another sexplanation, except the question I have gotten the most over the years isn’t about sex, but kissing.
How do you kiss (well)?
The first time I got asked this question, it was years ago, early in high school. My friend asked me this in an IM conversation, because she was nervous about kissing a guy for the first time with no experience. Then another friend asked, and another.
Now, I like to think I’m decent at kissing, but the more I’ve kissed, the more I’ve learned about kissing, the less concrete advice I have. The first and most important piece of advice is
Always be adaptable.
What do I mean by that? I mean be ready to change with each kissing partner, because different people do not kiss the same and do not like the same kiss. Be adaptable, and stay adaptable. Now, on to the ‘how-to.’
- Everything on this comes from my own personal experiences and preferences. So, if you disagree with something on here, feel free to comment to that extent!
- Use chapstick, lip balm, etc. Most people don’t like kissing chapped lips. It also is often more comfortable to kiss when your lips don’t hurt.
- Don’t eat garlic, onions, or other breath changing foods right beforehand unless your kissing partner did too, or you know they won’t mind the taste
- If you smoke, brush your teeth well before you kiss a nonsmoker
- If you are a nonsmoker, be careful about kissing smokers. It really can taste like an ashtray.
- Don’t have food/gum in your mouth (unless you are intentionally trying to pass something to the other person)
- Practice makes perfect. Few people are naturally good kissers, so getting feedback on your kissing style from a variety of people can really help.
- Most important: HAVE FUN!
A Closed Mouth Kiss:
This kind of kiss is a great place to start, be it for people new to kissing, for kissing someone new, or just to mix things up. Kissing does not always have to be a face-eating lip lock.
I mean, sure, that kiss is a “classic,” but it is not only acceptable, but quite fun to occasionally kiss without either opening your mouth or using tongue. What you do instead is purse your lips together a bit, by bringing in the corners of your mouth a bit. You don’t need to do that a ton, but just enough to help sort of “fluff” up your lips. Also, at the same time, it helps to push your lips out a bit. The goal here, for both of these, isn’t to shove your lips out in the stereotypical pucker “o” for a kiss, but to help cushion the kiss from your teeth.
When actually kissing, lean in, and softly press your lips to theirs. Tilting your head to the side to keep noses from smacking helps, but make sure you tilt your head a different direction as your partner. The goal here is not to have an incredible amount of pressure (you aren’t making a pancake) but enough to sensualize the kiss. This pressure can range from the softest, barely brushing their lips (which can be lots of fun and even tingley) to a greater pressure for a more passionate version. For a longer closed mouth kiss, massaging their lips slightly with yours is often a good choice as well.
An Open Mouth Kiss:
Now, think the closed mouth kiss, but open your mouth up to theirs. A key thing for open mouthed kisses is that teeth should not be hitting. In fact, teeth should almost always be covered by your lips. Moving your lips is key here, not just being a dead fish with the other person taking all the action. Not moving too much, but enough to show your interest. Fun variations include sucking gently on the top or bottom lip, and pulling it out slightly. If you are kissing a masochist, or someone who likes a bit of pain, sucking harder is an option, as is nibbling (yes, using your teeth) on their upper or lower lip. If you really are kissing a masochist, biting down can lead to delightful gasping noises from them.
Be careful about completely covering their mouth and lips with yours, you will end up slobbering all over their face.
A Kiss with Tongue:
Also known as “making out” or “french kissing,” kissing with tongue can be quite a bit of fun! (Okay, tongue leaving cheek now. Pun intended.) But really, this is a blast when doing it right. Go from an open-mouthed kiss, and either accept your partner’s tongue into your mouth, or slide your tongue into theirs. If you are using your tongue into their mouth, I would not recommend immediately trying to see how much of your tongue you can get in their mouth. This is not the time to shove your tongue down their throat to check their gag reflex… no, really. It is important to keep your tongue moving, up and down, side to side, in circles, but vary it a bit so you aren’t just doing the same thing over and over.
It is often better to start the kiss, go for a bit, close your mouth, and then restart. This helps with the variation thing. A few fun tricks include running your tongue across their lips before kissing them (some people like this, some do not,) as well as actively exploring their entire mouth. For more passionate moments, it might be fine to shove your tongue deep into their mouth and “down their throat” but make sure it is ok with your partner, and if they do not like it, then really, do NOT do it. Not so fun if it isn’t what a person is looking for. Again, if you are kissing a masochist, sucking hard on their tongue can sometimes be a good thing, as can biting it, but do those with only extreme discretion.
But what about my hands?!
This is probably what a lot of the people who have asked me about kissing really wanted to know: where to put their hands. A good option is one hand on the side of the person you are kissing’s face, their back, or even their arms. If you are really getting into making out, putting your arms around to their back and moving them around is a good plan. Another fun thing about kissing is that it DOES leave your hands free, to maybe pin them against the wall, run your hands all across their skin, tease their nipple, give them a handjob, scratch their back, the possibilities only end with your imagination.
Now, for some fun additions, here is a wonderfully bitchy list about some of the kisses I’ve had, from great to horrible!
- Pancake: Closed mouth kiss with so much pressure you feel like your lips are turning into pancakes. Also known as the facemash.
- Catfish: Intentionally named after the bottom feeder, this is when the other person doesn’t move their tongue up at all while making out with you.
- Plunger: When there is negative pressure, and no matter what it seems like the air is being sucked out of your mouth and into theirs.
- Flood: From your nose to your chin, from ear to ear, if you are covered in slobber after a kiss, you just had a flood kiss!
- Cloud: Ever been in an airplane and looked out, and seen the clouds and how fluffy they are? This kiss feels like clouds look like they are supposed to feel. Hot.
Not everyone intellectualizes things quite like this, so to each their own. But the most important thing BESIDES having fun is reading your partner and responding to them. No one kisses quite the same as someone else, so go out and figure out who YOU like to kiss. :D