Answers with an Agenda 11- Toys!

So, you have some ideas about what to do with that lovely other cunt-owning new partner, you’ve played around, but… to quote the fabulous movie Better Than Chocolate, “What’s with all those toys?” Actually, this is still a continuation from the last two weeks’ question:

How do two girls have sex? (Or… two people with cunts)

Because “lesbian sex” is very associated with toys, I figured I’d go into a bit about said toys. The reason there are so many toys great for cunt owners could be because of our society’s obsession with dicks, and so not having one requires “more” effort, ingenuity, or something. I’d like to think it is because we’ve gotten really inventive and are having a blast making toys.

Maybe your partner really enjoys you rubbing their clit, but after an hour your hand is tired. This is why vibrators were invented (well, sorta.) There are a wide range of vibrators great for getting them off, from the super-intense hitachi to the cute caterpillar.

Yeah, I’m amused by it. Anyways, a very important issue with vibrators is the intensity. Too light, and you can’t feel anything. Too much, and it can be painful or distracting. A recommendation I’ve heard is turn on the vibratory and touch it to the tip of your nose. If you sneeze, it is too intense. I don’t find this particularly useful myself, finding that I prefer something stronger than that, though usually less intense than the hitachi, so a variable speed vibe is often a great investment. That way, you can pick up the intensity or lighten up depending on the day and what you and your partner feel like.

Then there are the dildos. They come in all shapes and sizes and colors, but I would say the most important thing is the material (see below.) Dildos can be realistic, in color, hardness, etc, or they can be delightfully non realistic. You can pick your prefered size, color, texture… so if realistic dildos sketch you out (I was on the border of being squicked by them for years) you can get something that only has a superficial resemblance to a bio-cock. As far as sizing goes, there are two considerations, (insertable) length and width. It is better to er on the side of too long than too short, because you can always not slide it in all the way, but it is not fun to have too little length. Width depends, some people are “size queens” and love something very thick. Personally, I’m set with the small end of the pure wand, so I prefer the narrower range of toys. It just depends on the person. Shape matters a lot. If your partner enjoys g-spot or c-spot stimulation, something with a nice curve is probably up your alley (like said aforementioned pure wand.) Some people like their dildos textured, others smooth. That is also where material is a good thing. Some can even be worn strapped on.

Strap on harnesses have two main styles. They either come in G-string style, which look a lot like thong underwear, or two-strap style, which look like a jock strap. They range in materials, leather, fake leather, rubber, latex, etc. I’d recommend something that feels comfortable to you. Though a lot of people seem to love the g-string style, I like the two string because it enables a lot more access to the wearer’s cunt while they are wearing the harness. You can also tie a rope harness, if you happen to have rope around but no harness (great for those of us who like bondage.) The other advantage to rope is that you can make it according to your size, whereas bought harnesses do not fit all body sizes and types, so pay attention when buying.

There are also ‘harnesses’ for other areas of the body, from hand harnesses, so you don’t have to grip the dildo, to thigh harnesses, making grinding against a person’s leg even more delightfully fun. Keep an open mind is all, as some people can be rather taken aback the first time they encounter a chin harness.

In addition to dildos, there are anal specific toys. The most important, basic rule of ass toys is that they need a flange on the end. Something to stop the toy from continuing to get pulled up into your ass. The ER doctors have probably seen it before, but do you really want to be that person who went to the ER for shoving something up their ass and getting it stuck? Not to mention, such things can tear the lining of your intestine. So, make sure it has a flange! Also, see below on material safety. Butt plugs come in a variety of materials and sizes, go for what sounds good to you and your partner. If the person being penetrated hasn’t done much or any ass play before, start small, go slow, and use lots of lube. As in, go overboard. Better than too little, really. Anyways, in addition to butt plugs and dildos, there are also anal beads, which when pulled out can simulate orgasm sensations, thus a large part of their appeal. Make sure however, that the beads are connected by silicone or other safe material. Beads strung together on actual string is a terrible plan, as all kinds of nasty bugs can lodge in the string.

With all toys, however, you need to pay attention to the material that it is made out of. Sex toys are best when made from non-porous, non-toxic, and phthalate free. Such materials include medical grade silicone, metal, and glass. Now, sex toys shouldn’t be porous because then they are not able to be disinfected, which means you can pick up not only STIs, but also yeast infections, or even a cold. Non-toxic toys ought to be used for the very simple reason that toxic materials should not be in contact with your body, let alone genitals, and soft mucous membranes such as the inside of a cunt. Phthalates are a specific type of toxic material that has been banned from children’s toys in the US, so making sure a toy is specifically phthalate free goes a long way for the toxicity problems.

Metal and glass both have the advantage of being incredibly smooth, meaning that much less lube goes a long way. They are often very pretty as well. However, they have zero yield, and though it is often a boon to some people, the hardness can be both too intense and no as much fun for others. Also, it can be easy to bruise with them. Silicone ranges in hardness, from traditionally very hard silicone toys, to the delightfully giving Vixskin. One other quick thing about material is that it is a bad plan to use silicone lube with silicone toys. The lube will alter the toy in bad ways, creating a ‘melting’ sort of effect. Just something to watch out for.

Material is not the only place to be extra careful about safety. There are a few very important things to keep in mind. First of all, never take a toy directly out of someone’s ass and shove it in their cunt. The toy needs to be cleaned off first! If you don’t want to have to clean toys? Use condoms. It is a great, effective, and easy way to share toys between holes, and between partners in a quick manner without having to boil or bleach said toys each time.

Maybe though you prefer sensation play. A feather can be a great sex toy, as can soft fur, or a nice flogger. The limit on what can be a sex toy is mostly limited by your imagination and preferences. Open mindedness and creativity really pay off.

So, that is a brief overview of sex toys. There is so much to say, I’m going to leave it at that, but if you want to know more, try finding a good, sex positive store in your location. You can not just browse, but ask questions, get help, and even fondle the toys you’re looking at! There are great stores in Seattle, San Fransisco, Denver, New York, Chicago, Madison (WI), Baltimore, and plenty others! Definitely worth investigating.

Answers with an Agenda 10- Don’t Be Afraid

Okay, so this is in part a continuation of last week, as it is off of the same question. But it very much deserves its own entry. Actually, it deserves many, many entries, but this is more of a 101 level than the advance class.

How do two girls have sex? (Or… two people with cunts)

So many ways, so many ideas, so many body types. Again, for ease of typing, I’m going to call it a cunt and a clit, rather than each time going through the range of words people who happen to own such body parts prefer. It isn’t just girls and women who have cunts, there are a range of other people with them as well. Whereas last week was focused on using your hands, this week, it is time to focus on your mouth!

Using Your Mouth

Your mouth has a few important parts: lips, teeth, and tongue. There are all kinds of delightful things you can do with these three parts.

If you can guess (in a comment) whose lips and teeth those are, you win a prize. Prize will probably be some kind of lube (yes, actual prize.) Behind those teeth is a tongue, and with those three parts there are all kinds of delightfully delicious things you can do to a partner. Kissing, nibbling on the person’s neck, sucking on their fingers… there are all kinds of things to do. If you are going to bite, start light and slowly build unless you already know their pain tolerance, in which case go for it! Bite marks leave delightful bruises, occasionally turning a very pretty blue-ish purple color. Sucking can leave nicely colored marks as well, but tend to be more on the red scale than the blue.

But the thrust of this entry is more about using your mouth on someone’s cunt, because that is considered a “typical” way for two people with cunts to have sex.

Your faced with a cunt, and suddenly you are going, “now what?” My first time was aided a lot by reading; I knew what I was getting into. First of all, it is important to know what you are looking at.

Now, most of these tissues are soft, some are mucous membranes, so until you have a better idea what you’re doing, do not use your teeth. If you are not fluid bond with your partner, remember to practice safe sex. Get a dental dam before sucking on their cunt, or saran wrap (does not have to be non-microwaveable) and put some lube on the cunt side of the dam. Also, you may want to put flavored lube on the side of the dam your mouth will be on as well. remember, no oil lube near the cunt, no oil lube on latex, and no silicone lube on silicone. Safe sex is hot. So is consent, but I’m going to assume that you obtained explicit consent before going down on your partner.

To start off, some great places to lick: the crease where the thigh meets the genitals, the labia, the slit, and the clit. Licking is good to build up anticipation or to use in combination with other things.

Now, when you lean in, cover your teeth with you lips and keep them that way. Biting in this region is something some people like, but if the person doesn’t they probably will be very turned off by it, so keep your teeth covered. Just the presence of your mouth surrounding your partners clit can be an incredibly intense feeling for them. Surround the clit with your lips and suck gently. Also, run your tongue back and forth across their clit. Explore their reactions to what you do. Back and forth, in circles, flick their clit with your tongue, there are all sorts of things to do while gently sucking. Not everyone enjoys direct clit stimulation, if that is the case for your partner, suck gently on their clit but don’t play with the tip. If they say “harder” suck harder, though they may not say anything and grab your head and push you into them to increase the pressure.

Regardless, don’t just do the same thing over and over. Continuing to do what they enjoy is a great idea, but just sucking and moving your tongue back and forth the same way at the same intensity can get boring. Doing something else can increase the sensations already present. So another delightful thing you can do with your tongue is sliding your tongue in between their inner lips (labia minora,) right along their slit. Some people really enjoy this, and are sensitive there. You can even slide your tongue into their cunt, and do a bit of an “in and out” motion. Sucking on their inner lips can also sometimes bring wonderful reactions from your partner.

But the biggest thing to remember is that unlike what is shown in most porn, and unlike this bear:

Just sticking out your tongue is not enough. You need to get your face into your partner’s cunt. Lips feel fabulous, trust me! Sticking your tongue out and daintily attempting to lick your partner/flick their clit a little is not enough for most people. Also, some people just have short tongues. So, don’t be afraid of the cunt. It doesn’t have teeth, you do. Lick it, suck on the lips, the clit, slide your tongue inside it, taste it, savour it, enjoy it.

I’m someone who personally enjoys a lot of teasing for a build up, either giving or receiving. I like to kiss along someone’s thighs, sucking on their inner thigh, and even nibbling them before actually sucking on them. While going down on your partner you’re partner you may notice your hands are free. Use them in all kinds of delightful ways, like reaching up and playing with their nipples (yes, even cismales can enjoy having their nipples played with, so regardless this can be a good technique for anyone.) If you are into kinky things, you can use them to scratch your partner’s back (depending on position,) grab their thighs, hit their ass or thighs, etc.

You can also slide inside of them, combining using your hands and your mouth.  This can really ratchet up the intensity, and can be a lot of fun. I have had someone ask me “How the hell do you do that?” after combining the two. It was just one finger, slid inside, and gently hitting their g spot whenever I wasn’t too distracted swirling my tongue around their clit. Combining doing things with your hands and mouth is a really great way to fuck.

So remember everyone:

• No teeth
• Get in there, don’t be afraid to make your face messy
• Careful about having something being “too much”
• Dental dams are your friend
• So is lube. Which can come in wonderful, glycerine free flavors!
• Enjoy yourself :D

Now, a lot of these things are 101 tips. If you are fluid bonded with your partner, maybe you’re not using dental dams, but lube can still be awesome. If you know what you’re doing, or your partner asks for it, teeth can be wonderful. S uses her teeth very well, I avoid using mine at all costs, and the first time someone accidently used their teeth on me it was the biggest turn off possible at that moment.

Now, I know I didn’t cover positioning. There is a lot of advice out there on what position is best, should you shove a pillow under someone’s hips, etc. But really, it depends on the build and body of each person involved. So practice, and find out what works for you. Best way to do it, and you have the delightful “side effect” of having to go down on them more. Whatever will you do?

That concludes part II of this series, next week look forward to a similar AwaA except this time on using sex toys with partners!

Answers with an Agenda 9- Using Hands

Remember those awkward questions? My most memorable was asked of me by two of my friends, one very close, one not so close, during high school bio class. One was the younger sister of a lesbian, the other was a bi chick, and both were progressive, supposedly very well sex-educated high schoolers… and yet they asked. At least they knew to feel embarrassed about how they were asking, but they genuinely wanted to know…

How do two girls have sex? (Or… two people with cunts)

First of all, not everyone has sex the same way, regardless of bodies, identities, and relationships. Not every heterosexual, cisgendered, etc. male/female couple has penile/vaginal sex for sex. So, two girls? Yeah, lots of ways.

But I’m not going to directly answer this question, because anyone reading my blog is not at sex ed 101, but more like 112. So, since not all girls have cunts, not all people with cunts are girls, since not everyone with a cunt calls it a cunt, or a pussy, sometimes its a front hole, sometimes a clit is a dick, etc., I’m not going to tell you about some of the ways two girls have sex. I’m going to cover how two people who both happen to have cunts could have sex, though it will be by no means a comprehensive list. But there really is a TON to talk about, so it will be in three parts, and today’s?

Using Hands

Now this set of methods is fun and easy. Person A, uses their hands on Person B. Person B may or may not be using their hands (on Person A) in return. Things to do with hands include (but are by no means limited to): tracing patterns on skin, scratching someone’s back, playing with their hair, flicking their nipples, slapping their inner thighs, caressing their arms, holding their wrists, rubbing their dick/clit/slit/etc. So much to cover, but here are some highlights and tips for those methods:

When running your hands across someone’s back, a light touch can be delightfully sensuous, and lightly running your nails across someone’s back can send shivers throughout their body. If they are into pain, potentially digging in a bit with your nails, scratching up their back, can be quite a bit of fun. Some people like this type of pain, others do not. A good rule of thumb is start of light, and not assume that another person likes having their back gouged up and blood drawn. Unless of course, they’ve told you this before.

Wait, you say, this isn’t sex! Well, for some of us, it is. I’ve gotten off before from someone doing nothing more than scratching my back and biting my upper back/shoulders/neck area. The next day I had a beautiful set of scratches, welts right where my backpack sat, and was a very happy masochist. But sex isn’t about getting off. It isn’t just about genitals. So, expand your thinking a bit.

But I’m going to be talking about genitals. Something more traditionally regarded as “sexual” when using hands is when person A uses their fingers to pleasure person B through touching B’s cunt. Now remember, foreplay is not just fun, it can make the whole experience a lot better. I love teasing, I am a giant tease, but I do, eventually, sometimes hours later, follow through. That build up can lead to much better orgasms. Try it out.

When you are person A be careful about having nails and accidently scratching person B. Also, be aware that cuts on your fingers can greatly increase the risk of sexual transmitted diseases, so this would be the time to use latex or nitrile (for those with latex allergies) gloves. They actually has a really fun feeling, and it helps reduce the risk of scratching by accident with nails. Also, if you have very long finger nails, you can stuff cotton balls into the finger tips and that way will not scratch your partner.

When actually touching your partner, be aware that different people have different preferences. Some people might really enjoy having their labia majora (outer lips) stroked lightly, a good way to start touching the other person, and seeing if they are comfortable with having you touch them there at all. There are times I don’t want to be touched on my cunt regardless of sexual desire/attraction, even with long standing partners, so be very watchful of what your partner’s reactions are like.

Now, there is a reason I stuck the diagram up there. It’s often a good idea to start exploring and have an idea of what is where with each new person, because different people are laid out differently, though that is the general set up. Take a look. Stare. Enjoy the view, and I mean really appreciate it. If you are having trouble appreciating it, go read/see “Because He Liked To Look At It” from the Vagina Monologues. As much as I detest Eve Ensler, that is a fabulous piece. So, send your fingers exploring, take a look, and figure out how the person is laid out. Generall speaking, however, the clit is found under its hood, and below that is the urethra, and below that is the entrance to the vagina. Moments like these are when having a more standardized set of words that don’t sound like medical instruments would be nice. Regardless, the first piece of anatomy that I’ll be discussing playing with in more detail is the clit/dick/little guy named the clitoris in the above pic. I’m going to call it the clit for this post because it is just easier to type.

The clit is a fun little, or not so little, bundle of nerves. It extends back into one’s body actually, which is partly why pressing down on the mons can be so much fun for some people. Regardless, it is essentially a bundle of nerves, and a LOT of them. It is the highest concentration of nerves in the human body, of any sex or gender. That means it is very sensitive, especially on the head/tip of it. Some people don’t like direct stimulation there; it can be painful or overwhelming. A good thing to do instead is rub the clit through its hood. For instance, since it sticks out, you can actually rub it up and down or back and forth in between your fingers, essentially jacking it off (occasionally this is refered to as jilling off.) I’d recommend using lube for this, preferably non-glycerine lube, and definitely not oil based lube. Oil lube and cunts don’t well, and glycerine can increase the likelihood of yeast infections.

For more direct stimulation, a good method is place a finger direction over the head of the clit (you may need to gently pull back the hood a bit to get there) and rub back and forth gently, increasing pressure to the point where they enjoy themselves. Some people like a LOT of pressure, some hardly at all. Harder and softer do not mean slower or faster; those are two different scales! You can go hard and slow or fast and soft just as much as you could go hard and fast or slow and soft. Really. So, go off of the other person’s preference. Another really fun trick is to rub in a circle, this one is good for any pressure level but I’ve found works better when moving your fingers a bit faster.

Sorry, couldn’t resist. Anyways, another tip that I have is that remember the clit isn’t just the tip, nor the top. There is also an underside, closer to the urethra, and some people really like that part rubbed. Just sayin’.

Anyways, if your partner is so inclined as to enjoy penetration, remember what I said about gloves? It is all the more important here. Gloves protect the wearer, as hands frequently have cuts on them, and protect the other person from nails (or rough, calloused hands that some may not like.) Also, fun with medical roleplay is possible here, if that is your thing. Moreover, lube here can be very important. If the person is really wet, awesome. If not, it doesn’t necessarily mean they aren’t turned on, a lot of things can cause this: testosterone, allergy meds, birth control pill… Which is why it is a good idea to always have some cunt-friendly lube on hand.

Either way, slide in one finger at a time. A lot of people automatically go for their index finger, but I often find that using my middle finger works better, gives me a better angle and maneuverability. Don’t add more fingers unless you are pretty damn sure they can handle the extra girth, and dont’ add too quickly. Stretching a person out too fast can make them feel as if they had been scratched and can kill the mood real fast.

Feel around, find the spots that make the other person gasp and moan. Good spots include the g spot, a spot, and the cervix. Not everyone likes all or any of these stimulated, but for each one, here is some advice:

• G-spot: slide 1 or 2 fingers into the cunt and feel the side of the vagina closest to their stomach/mons pubis, not the side closer to their back/ass. There should be a spot not very far in, that has a different texture. That is the G Spot. Move your fingers along it in the “come hither” motion. There is a reason this is fairly well known, it works damn well.
• Another inch or two past the G spot is the A spot. This one is best detected by first finding the G spot, then sliding your finger(s) further inside the other person until their reactions tell you that you hit something good. Again, the come hither motion is good to apply here. Be warned, both the A spot and the G spot can cause that “need to pee” feeling. They can also cause female ejaculation.
• If you push your finger(s) in deeper, you will eventually feel the cervix, a harder ring of flesh deeper in the cunt. It feels very different than the rest. Some people really like pressure against it, some really do not. If your partner does like it, try spinning your finger around the circle with a decent amount of pressure. They will probably make delightful sounds as a result.

Maybe you slide a finger inside and they wanted more, so you slid in another. And a third. And suddenly you both realize, you want to try fisting. In that case, go see my first AwaA on fisting.

So, you’re fucking them and having a blast. And suddenly their clit… retracts? Now, this actually means they are around 30 seconds to a minute and a half ish away from getting off, so do not stop what you are doing. No really, keep going, they will thank you for it.

The biggest piece of advice I can give though, is listen to the other person. If you are the receiver, give feedback. If it is good, give signs like “mmmhm,” vigorous head nodding, to “OH FUCK YES!” are both nice indicators. If you want them to do something different, tell them. Show them. I find that one of the hottest things a partner can do is move my hand to guide me better, because its hot to know they trust me enough to let me know, its hot that they know what is better, and its especially hot knowing that they are going to really enjoy what is coming.

Any tips or suggestions you have? Please feel free to comment! If you have a question you want answered in AwaA, please either comment or feel free to shoot me an email. Also, the next two AwaA (barring unforseen circumstances) will be parts 2 and 3, involving using one’s mouth or using toys.

Answers with an Agenda 8- Dealing with Questions

We’ve all been faced with awkward questions, but I’m pretty sure transfolk get them a lot more often than others. Hell, when people thought I was a lesbian, I got a lot of awkward questions…

How do you respond to awkward questions about your sex life?

Well, I do a few different things depending on the situation. But here are my suggestions for guidelines in case you ever get asked “So… How DO ::insert version of ‘people like you’ here:: have sex?”

Respond with Snark

This method is fabulous for social settings, confident individuals, or just plain fun. It is best used when in a snarky, sarcastic, or otherwise biting sort of mood. It is one of my favorite ways to respond to questions like this because it highlights the absurdity of ever asking such a question. I tend to do this when in a bad mood, admittedly.

This method ranges in severity, depending on your social situation. When asked “How DO you have sex?” a good, solid, snark-filled response would be “Oh me? I don’t have sex, I just masturbate incessantly, usually with the Hitachi, though cucumbers are positively delightful.” The first reaction this response will cause is confusion because they don’t know what a Hitachi is (or they have one and are embarrassed,) as well as confusion that you did not actually answer their question. Then, like a ton of bricks, they’ll realize you just talked about cucumbers, a nice, common vegetable, they will be jumpy around such things for at least a week.

Another good one is to describe in excruciating detail exactly what they were asking about. This one works best for ‘prudes’ and others not asking just to be creepy assholes trying to turn you into a sex object. They want to know about lesbian sex? Give them an incredibly graphic description of fisting. Either the person will want to flee the scene, or you may have begun the seeds of a new interest. Both will result in entertaining blushing with some possible stammering and hopefully a quick exit.

Respond with NYOB

Maybe you just want this person out of your face, your personal life, or just out of this conversation. This is easy, “It is none of your business unless you’re someone I’d fuck, which you have made quite apparent that you are not such a person.” Alternatively, you could cut it after business for the more socially appropriate version, but where is the fun in that? (Oops, snark was the previous paragraph, must have run over.)

Respond with Education

If you’re up for it, you could attempt to teach the person. Not as in “teach them a lesson” but as in educate them to be less ignorant and hopefully prevent more of these circumstances. I do this one most, actually, despite my love of snark.

Here, you start off with the obvious statement, “That question is inappropriate, but personally I really enjoy…” Explaining that not every transperson, lesbian, sadomasochist, shoe fetishist, person with a disability, trekkie, etc. has sex the same way, not everyone enjoys the same things somehow not expected by the questioner. Think about how much anal sex is trumped as the way to have gay male sex, yet two of my fag friends prefer oral and aren’t big into either catching or pitching with the ass.

You also don’t need to explain your own preferences, but I like to ground things in personal experience.

How I’d recommend Not to Respond

Now, again, all of this is just my advice, but on this especially it is preference. I mean, obviously I don’t recommend responding in an incredibly self-conscious and uncomfortable way, but mostly because this entry is trying to help people not do that. So, to avoid that, see the above ideas. Here is the thing- you should not be ashamed of yourself, it is not you who is being shamefully rude. As hard as it is, just try not to stammer and say a simple “None of your business,” and move on with the conversation. I also wouldn’t suggest blowing up in anger. After being asked such a question ten sixty five hundred times it gets difficult not to snap someone’s head off. That doesn’t help anyone, except by letting off some steam. Also, be aware of what method is best for the circumstance. If you’re at a corporate management retreat, snark is probably not the best answer, a polite NYOB might be the route to go. Because the point is to prevent this:

Not create more.

NB- Some people might wonder why these questions are inappropriate to ask someone. The main thing is, do you ask this question of most people? Though laid out more clearly in a previous entry it basically boils down to think about common courtesy. Would you ask this question of most people? Or just someone like that? Well, whatever that may be, I can almost always guarantee that your question is not welcome or appropriate. However, for a more explicit discussion of this, see said entry.

Answers with an Agenda 7- Experience Differentials

Recently, I keep being the more experienced person in a relationship; however, that has not always been the case. I’ve been the lost one, the “n00b” if you will, when it comes to actually doing those sexual things that I had read about, thought about, and otherwise never actually enacted before. More recently, I had a string of SOs who were dramatically less experienced than myself, and ended up having a lot of really great conversations as a result.

How do you deal with a partner with a very different level of sexual experience?

Now, a lot of what I say can be applied to other things, such as experience with relationships generally, and there is probably going to be overlap with last week’s AwaA, but this is more than worthy of its own post. Or twenty.

First, if you are the less experienced person, there are a few responsibilities you have. The first is that if you have never done something before, do your best to mention it. For instance, it is better to find out someone is a virgin BEFORE having sex with them than after (and yes, I’m speaking from experience.) If you have never been hit before, good to mention especially if you have an unexpected reaction. If you have never strapped-on before, and are about to strap-on and give someone a good anal fucking, it is good to mention to said person that you are new to this.

Why? Because that opens up a lot of communication, like “shift a bit to the left” or “don’t let the flogger wrap.” It enables the other person to realize that you may not be amazing, but that you also have the potential to learn (which anyone does, so long as someone is patient enough to teach, but newbies don’t have the same bad habits.) But also, knowing one’s partner is new to something also helps the other person not push them too far, too fast.

Which leads me to the more experienced person’s side of things and their responsibilities. First of all, stop, take a breath, and realize you are going to be moving more at their pace than yours. Realize this, let it sink in. If it is with your monogamous partner, and you are very used to having sex on a regular basis, and they have only had sex once, it may be time to increase your masturbation schedule. That isn’t to say they aren’t pleasing you, stop that thought (in either your head or theirs) now. Reframe it to think about your being responsible for your own needs, while learning and growing with your partner. Cheesy? Quite possibly. (On the other hand, if you’ve been together for years, and your sex drives are completely incompatible, you may want to discuss dealing with that… slash, if your partner is truly not meeting your needs it may be time to break up.)

Okay, so move at their pace, but also be ready to push on their boundaries a bit. For me, that is incredibly difficult. I hate pushing boundaries, because in my head that walks very close to pressuring someone, which is close/can sometimes lead to/already is at nonconsensual situations. But leading is often good, and pushing is okay, so long as you continue to check in and communicate. Oh yeah, that part…

See, what is most important for everyone involved is very basic: you need to communicate. Wait, is this a theme of my AwaA? Yes, and for good reason. Checking in while pushing someone’s boundaries (“Is this still okay?” “Do you want/need to stop?” “How about some water?”) really helps make sure that you don’t either pressure them too much as well as just generally being a good thing. However, this also means the less experienced person also has the responsibility to make sure that they actually respond accurately. Moreover, if as the less responsible person you realize something is too far, too fast, or too anything, say something or do something about it. No means no (or in some cases, safeword means no) but that only works if you use it. People are not mind readers…

On the other hand, if no (or safeword) means no, then remember the very important corollary: yes means yes. If you want something, ask for it sure, but more importantly if someone else asks for it, don’t check in fifty billion times to confirm that they mean what they say.

Green means go!

Realizing that the first time you sleep with someone is very much a first is very important . You may be the kind of person who can only do things in “Never Have I Ever” like “Never have I ever had sex in an airplane while flying over Iceland…” because you have done pretty much everything else. You may be the kind of person who has never kissed, let alone fucked, a person of desire before. Either way? You got to start from scratch. (Hehe, scratches…)

The first time with anyone, don’t expect to get off or to get them off. Don’t even have that be a goal. Take the pressure off yourself as well as them, and focus on learning about each other. If it happens, great and it is all the more an accomplishment because it wasn’t the primary goal. Instead of trying to get them off, try to give them as much pleasure as possible. One of the most satisfying experiences recently was at a play party (my first in fact) with S, where I did not get off (expect a story about this at some point.) It was intense, and intensely satisfying. Also, I had no orgasm, nor did I really want one that night. Rather than focus on some extra goal, have whatever activity you are doing at that time be the end in and of itself. If it is sex? Sex is the end, not the means to an end. If it is sucking on your SO’s nipples for the first time, don’t have that simply be the prelude to sucking on their cock, even in your mind. It leads to less disappointment, but more importantly it helps prevent pressuring someone because the constant expectation of “more” doesn’t come through as much.

Experience matters a lot less, except in giving a baseline sense of what to try. Having played around with quite a few cunts, including my own, I know that some people can’t handle direct contact on their clit, while others need a lot of direct pressure. Learn these things about your partner, and about yourself with said partner.

So, remember-

• Pay extra attention to their reactions- Just because one person likes their tongue bit, does not mean someone else will.
• Pay attention to how what they do feels to you- Even if you really know what you like, the way one person nibbles your ear may be fabulous, while another just squicks you out.
• Similarly, listen to your body- if you need to change positions, get some water, etc. (Having a cup of water right next to one’s bed is fabulous.)
• Remember, yes means yes and no/safeword means no. Listen to it.
• Listen to your partner.
• Don’t try to get them off.
• Have fun! Explore! Think like a kid… “Oh, what will happen if I push this button?” Now, use your dirty little mind to come up with all sorts of devious ideas on what that button may be…

Experience comes in many forms. With S, I am much more experienced with relationships and had a longer background in fucking other people with cunts. S had done a LOT of other things though, which left me feeling at a loss at times. In a way though, it was balanced. I had a relationship background, she had a BDSM background. We navigated until we were both at the point where what mattered was both of us, with each other and with BDSM.

A lot of these things I say because I’ve been on both sides of this equation, but especially because I had a string of SOs who were dramatically less experienced than I. All those experiences, including getting yelled at by one person for not pushing enough and getting thanked by another person for always repeatedly asking if something was okay, informed my thoughts. But for those of you who read this, what do you think helps?

Answers with an Agenda 6- Introducing BDSM

You’ve met someone. Or someone(s). Maybe you took things slow, maybe you dived right in, head first, but suddenly you realize there is a bit of a discrepancy. You have this whole background and interest in BDSM, and your new partner… has never engaged in such things before, either physically or mentally.

How do I get my partner interested in BDSM?

Some people like it, know they like it, and will be upfront about it. Some people are either embarrassed, or never thought about it before. And it is definitely possible for partners, with vastly different backgrounds, tastes, and experiences to find a happy common ground for them to play.

disclaimer I am not advocating lying, duplicity, or anything like that. I am giving suggestions for ways to ease a partner into BDSM, enabling them to think about it/engage in activities in a healthy manner rather than with fear or shame.

In various conversations, I’ve pointed out that there isn’t a clear line when people cross over into the realms of BDSM. When does running your nails down someone’s back, or biting their neck, cross into pain play? When does pinning someone down during sex become power play? How often do people buy their partners pink fuzzy handcuffs?

How much less scary is this ↑ as opposed to this ↓ ?

The line between so-called vanilla sex and BDSM is fuzzier than those handcuffs. And it is through that blurriness that it becomes much easier to introduce a person to things they might enjoy, like that flogger, without throwing them into the middle of a play party dungeon. Some people might be thrown in, and thrive. Many others would be scared off… potentially forever. And that is sad for them, sad for their partner, but also sad for us as a community for inadvertently creating someone who fears us.

Some partners have the kind of communication where one person can sit down and just say, “You know how I like when you suck and nibble on my neck? Would you be okay with biting down harder?” If you are in a place where you feel comfortable sitting down and talking to your partner… DO IT! I mean, ideally we should all be able to sit down and have frank conversations with a person we’re fucking, sucking, touching, etc. But not everyone is good at that kind of interaction (myself included.) The trick is letting it in slowly, as a part of informed consent. If they don’t know what they are, or are not, consenting to then it is much harder to have a frank discussion, because they do not have the very important “informed” part of the equation. That is why I think the slowly bringing it in before having the discussion is a really good way to go. It gives the other person more information to work with.

1. Before anything else, talk about hard boundaries and/or triggers: It is important to talk about stuff before you try easing into BDSM. Find out any major triggers or hard boundaries. If someone has a hard boundary or trigger that boils down to “don’t come anywhere near my ass,” spanking would probably be a truly terrible idea for easing someone into BDSM. The only way you will know that, is if you talk first. Know what else? These conversations are usually important for any relationship, no matter how kinky, vanilla, straight, queer, etc.
2. Start with what you know: If you have never used a cane before, this is not the time to start. Stick with your already present skills, because that should give you more control over what you are doing. But even more so, start with what you know about the other person. If they don’t like pain, don’t start digging your nails in deep… but maybe they enjoy using their nails on you. Encourage them to do it more, from giving non-explicit positive feedback (moans, gasps, back arching, etc.) to explicit feedback (harder, more, etc.) You don’t have to mention it as “I like pain play” or “I like pain,” try “I like how sharp your nails are.” More specific to the person, and less immediately scary language. Maybe you’ve pinned them down before, and they’ve liked it, but you want to see if you can get them to dom a bit more. One trick here is to flip them on top, and if their hands happen to be on your wrists at one point, put them over your head. Their hands will follow, and many people will start making the connection.
3. Listen to both yes and no: Not everything you try is going to work, some things you may try and just get no response to. Other things you will get an incredibly strong response, either positive or negative. None of these things are bad, as long as you listen. A very strong response, you may want to should check in with your partner about whether or not it was a good or bad thing. Even if the reason seemed bad, it could be about intensity or shock even if the action was good. Similarly, a very positive response could lead to at another time them saying “hey, on second thought, not that.” But if you get just one very loud scream, is that a good thing or a bad thing? Well, it depends. If they are screaming “YES, OH GOD!” my guess is that it is a good thing. But this is the important part- what makes so much of BDSM different from abuse is consent. Consent is hot, it is amazing, and it requires continual observation to make sure it stays consensual.
4. Go slow and be adaptable: Maybe you desperately want to do a role-play scene (as in, with 2+ adults’ informed consent) involving incest and rape. That is not something to dive right into, but maybe start off playing with reluctance. Find a way to take your kinks, fetishes, and interests and let

Getting someone started into BDSM and kink tends to be a long process. Not because it necessarily takes a long time for a person to be okay with (and very into) tying up, slapping, humiliation, pet play, orgasm control, hypnosis, flogging, or any number of other things, but because once someone starts going down that path, they often find more things they are interested in.

Once upon a time, I had zero interest in anyone so much as touching my ass. It was not just a hard boundary, but a massive trigger. Years later, I’m pressed against a bathroom wall at some club with a dick slowly pushing its way in (in fairness, it did have a person associated with it.) Six years ago, someone doing that would have sent me into a massive, multiple month long hell hole. That change came about with a lot of patience on my end, and slowly adapting to the styles and presence of various partners over the years.

So, if it doesn’t happen immediately, don’t be surprised. If they end up not interested in it, that happens to. On the other hand, you may create a BDSM-obsessed kinkster… but its worth finding out! Be ready to accept whatever their response.

Answers with an Agenda 5- Minimizing Feet In Mouth

Language is very difficult for people. It is full of misunderstandings, innuendos, and intonations. Every statement has multiple interpretations, which makes communication difficult, especially when a person is treading in the waters of not knowing what may offend someone. This entry is sparked both my discussions from last weekend’s KinkForAll DC 2, but also from a friend’s response to a previous entry which reminded me of how little people realize. So… this week’s Answers with an Agenda is not about sex, at least directly. It’s about interacting with someone who is trans.

How do I ask this transperson this question?

http://www.despair.com/cluelessness.html/

Trans people get asked a number of incredibly awkward questions. Sometimes, it is an  appropriate situation, but the wrong question. In my experience, and from what I’ve heard from friends, it is usually both a highly inappropriate question as well as a highly inappropriate situation. So, in the interest of hopefully keeping some people from going nuclear on some unsuspecting person, here are some guidelines.

First of all, if you have questions about a transperson’s gender, sex, body, identity, expression, surgeries, etc. I would recommend NOT asking that person unless they have specifically invited questions for the purposes of helping educate others, such as myself or DDog.

One question I’ve mentioned previously that people don’t necessarily realize is inappropriate/can be really offensive is asking someone’s birth name. If you find out someone is trans, and was given a different name at birth, don’t ask them what that was. It is both very rude, and actually is pretty offensive. It is not the same as if someone just changed their name from their birth name, there are a lot of additionally implications. Maybe some trans individuals don’t feel that way, but trust me when I say that I do, as do many others who I have talked to.

A series of questions that are not appropriate to ask random people:

• So, who do you sleep with?
• What do you call your “parts”?
• Do you fuck like a guy or a girl?
• Are you gay?
• What pronoun do you prefer?

None of these questions are relevant unless the asking person is on a short list of people the person being asked is intimate with in some manner. Finding out of someone would be interested in you is perfectly legitimate, but rather than asking something like “Are you interested in me?” Because, no matter how sexy, smart, charismatic, of the prefered gender(s) you are, that does not mean people will be falling at your feet to fuck you.

If you aren’t trying to sleep with the person, none of these questions should ever be asked. Actually, unless you are very good friends with a person, asking things like “How’s the testosterone effecting you?” is often really inappropriate. Do you really go up to 13 year olds and say “How’s puberty?” On the other hand, comments like “Your voice is deeper” is fine. Comments like “Where’d your boobs go?” or “Damn, you grew a nice set of tits” are not fine. I wouldn’t fault someone for slapping you for that, but more likely you will make the person incredibly uncomfortable.

Even if you are curled up with a wonderfully hot transperson, and there is no question where it is going, those questions aren’t actually the best ones to ask. In the end, don’t ask a trans person anything you wouldn’t ask any other person you would take to bed.

A series of good questions to ask:

• Is there anything I should know?
• Are there any hard boundaries you don’t want me to cross?
• Is there any language you prefer for me to use?
• Is there something you particularly like/dislike?
• What do you want to do with me?

Notice, none of these are actually body or gender specific. Rather, they are important questions generally when hooking up with someone, especially for the first time. They give a person the opportunity to answer as they feel comfortable.

Maybe one person gets off on being called a slut, but cannot stand the phrase “blowjob.” Thus, the language question is really useful beyond just asking what to call various parts of a transperson’s body. Like me? I call my own parts clit and cunt. I’m fine with this language. If you call it a pussy however, I may well slap you. Some transguys call their own parts things like front hole and dick, and if I’m strapping it on it is my cock. Not the dildo, it is my cock. There are times in bed when I don’t really want to be called by my name. I’d rather be called “Creature,” mostly because I don’t yet have a name for him, and I haven’t been able to figure out what animal specifically he is (other than that he is creature like.) We all have different words that turn us on… or off. So, why limit these questions to specifically for transpeople in a way that will probably offend someone?

But as I mentioned in my last entry, don’t ask if you aren’t going to listen and follow the response. No matter how silly you may feel saying “I want to suck your cock” when referring to a transman’s biologically attached dick, if that is what he wants, trust me when I say you will enjoy the response.

Not everyone has the right to ask these questions, and trust me when I say asking them at the wrong time can get you in serious trouble with the person. Maybe you’re trying to hit on them, and so genuinely want to know. Well, a lot of people don’t appreciate being asked by random strangers/semi-acquaintances in a public place, like a bar, about what they prefer to do in bed. On the other hand, some people might get off on that discussion happening in the middle of the local coffee shop. Adjust your questions as needed, but be aware that the person may well say anything from “I’m not comfortable answering,” to “I don’t know,” to an incredibly long and detailed response. But hopefully, this will help prevent a giant “Fuck you, asshole” or a long diatribe about how what you did was inappropriate.

There isn’t some rulebook on what to say or not to say to a person who is trans. Then again, there isn’t a rulebook on how to talk to most people. A lot of it boils down to judgement, but hopefully this gives you some better judgement.

EDIT: As Jhiera asked in a comment, why/when is it not okay to ask someone’s pronoun? Here is the thing, do you go up and ask everyone this? If so, then sure, go ahead. But there is a lot of problems with the “need” to ask certain individuals simply because they do not conform to previously understood gender norms. Yes, it is better to ask than to continually fuck up. But do so as an aside and not in the middle of a crowd. One, it puts the person much less on the spot. Two, it also will keep you from seeming like an idiot in case you should “already know” what pronoun they prefer. Rather than specifying pronouns, you could also ask anyone “How do you prefer to be addressed?” because this covers things like Mrs. versus Ms. versus Miss versus Mr, or Sir or Madame, boy, etc. as well as just pronouns.

Answers with an Agenda 4- Lube

Am I actually on the fourth one of these? Really? Damn time flies. Anyway, for this week, I’m going to cover something very basic, very important, and useful for all kinds of fun sexual activity.

What kind of lube should I use?

Well, it depends on what you are doing, what you want, and a lot is just plain personal preference. So experiment! Try different lubes! I’d recommend looking at places like Babeland, Good Vibrations, Fascinations, A Woman’s Touch, Sugar, Early to Bed, Smitten Kitten, and other such sex positive places.

I’m writing this entry, because sex is messy and fun, and frankly, I want more of this:

And less of this:

No matter how pretty the desert is, not exactly what is best for maintaining your fun and your body’s health.

Water-Based Lube:

Most of the lubes you find in the drugstore fall under this category, but not all water based lubes are made the same. If you are someone who owns a cunt, watch out for water based lubes with glycerine (a type of sugar.) Sugar + cunt = yeast infections. Or at least, an increased risk for them. For people prone to yeast infections, avoid lubes with glycerine in it (such as most KY, Astroglide, and a lot of flavored lubes.) Another thing to be careful about is whether or not there are parabens in the lube, which beyond having some potential carcinogenic properties, some people are allergic to them. And most people don’t want an allergic reaction when you’re getting down, do you?

Now, for more fun discussions. Water based lube is great for playing with cunts, and often for anal play as well. But, as is obvious above, not all water based lubes are made equal, so what you use is based in part on what you’re doing and what you like. For instance, if you’re going down on someone maybe you are looking for a glycerine free, flavored lube (that is actually a vegan, gluten-free, glycerine and paraben-free lube. Try it, S will testify to it being tasty.)

Regardless, there are two key things I’d say to think about with water based lube. 1- How thick do you want it? (sometimes thicker is better, sometimes you want something more light and slick.) 2- Do you want it to sink into your skin (and essentially moisturize) or to stay right at the spot you put it and stay slick? Moisturizing lubes are great for long-term health of the skin but sometimes you need the lube to stay right THERE.

For a thicker water based lube (which is great for anal play) try checking out Maximus. For a lube that moisturizes, and even will leave your cunt feeling better after than it did before, try Liquid Silk. If you’re avoiding chemicals like parabens, Sliquid Organics are often really good. Actually, I’m a big fan of just basic Sliquid H2O, which is also paraben free.

Silicone Based Lube:

If you are not playing with silicone condoms, dams, or toys, silicone lube may well be the way to go. The reason for this is that they melt the surface of silicone, or even a lot of other rubber materials, so be careful. It is totally safe though for latex (condoms, toys, or clothes.) They don’t use glycerine, so that is all happy.

Silicone lube is often prefered for anal play, because it tends to be thicker (and is still condom safe.) Even more important, silicone does not absorb into the skin, so it often lasts a lot longer than other lubes, while still being safe for condoms and gloves, and the thickness is nice. Some people can have reactions to silicone, and some people (like S) just aren’t very fond of it, so try it out and see what you think!

If you want to use lube that tastes good , silicone is not the way to go. Unlike a lot of water based lubes, silicone doesn’t taste that bad, but it also doesn’t have the delectable varieties of flavors out there. Unflavored, silicone aces. Tasty? Not so much.

Another time silicone is better flat out than water based lube is in a situation with water. If you are playing in water, water based lube will dissolve. Seems obvious maybe, but important. Generally be careful about playing in water, but if you are going to do it, and are going to use lube, use silicone. It will stay on much better.

I don’t have that much experience with silicone lube, but that is in large part because when I use lube it is usually in conjunction with toys. However, the from the times I have used it, it can be fun, with a really nice cushion!

For masturbation with a bio-dicks: Admittedly, this is no where NEAR my area of expertise, but I have done a lot of general research and I’ve heard good things about Gun Oil (it’s a silicone lube, so not with toys!) and Stroke 29 (an oil lube, so not with condoms or cunts.) Stroke 29 has intrigued me since I heard about it, apparently around the 29th stroke it completely changes texture. Hmmm, maybe I should find a boy to play with and use this? Regardless, this is where oil based lubes are actually viable, as they should never be used with condoms or with a cunt.

So when should you use lube? It can be helpful in all kinds of circumstances. Masturbation can be far more pleasant with the added slickness, regardless of any body type. Penetrative sex is much easier and more pleasant with lube, especially if it is either a dry-ish cunt or an ass being penetrated… then lube goes from being fun to being an important part of safe sex. With oral sex, lube can be a fun addition, from sensitizing the underside of a dental dam, to adding a fun flavor to a cock (silicone or bio.) Actually, putting just a little (and here little is important) on the inside tip of a condom can greatly increase the pleasure.

To recap:

• Amazon.com often has good lube for cheap. Investigate what you want to try, and then order from amazon and you can often get free shipping.
• The lubes you can buy at most drugstores are usually pretty terrible. There are FAR better ones out there, use those. If you don’t know what those are, ask helpful people (like me! or people at sex positive stores…)
• Silicone lube should never be used with either silicone toys or condoms/dental dams. Pay attention to your materials.
• Oil lube should never be used with latex ANYTHING (be it condoms, dams, or clothes) nor should it ever come near a cunt.
• Water based lube often have glycerine. Be careful.
• Experiment, figure out what you like… but most of all
• HAVE FUN!

Another GREAT resource to check out is from A Woman’s Touch, which is a fabulous sex positive store in WI. The have a wonderful brochure that covers all kinds of information, and their .pdf version has this fabulous table on it:

It covers even some of those more common, pretty terrible, lubes. Though, it is important to note that Astroglide has come out with a glycerine free lube. My own personal theory is that since Astroglide has been sponsoring Tristan Taormino, she convinced them to come out with a glycerine free lube.  Maybe not, but I’d like to think that about her.

Another quick thing, there has apparently been a study done that says that certain lubes may increase risk for  HIV/STI transmission. Charlie Glickman has a great response to this study. The study missed a LOT, and didn’t seem to in any way accurately compare what effects lube has compared to the tearing that happens when people don’t use lube for anal sex. So it is something to keep on the radar, but also not something to be particularly afraid of.

Regardless, I think I should leave with this quote from my friend Q, on my introducing her to new lubes, like Liquid Silk: “You are a life saver… I had amazing sex last night.”

Answers with an Agenda 3- Dental Dams

For this week’s AwaA, something a little different… Sparked by a conversation with my mother, I realized that this is a question that I have been asked, but actually wish people would ask it a lot more. Okay, so maybe it is two questions.

How do you use a dental dam? What do you do if you don’t have a dental dam around?

Some of the most frustratingly unpleasant and incurable STIs are capable of being transmitted through oral sex, even without symptoms. At least there is now a vaccine for HPV, but herpes remains a very present unpleasantness. (For the record, oral and genital herpes are separate viruses, and a person can get both or either on their genitals AND mouth.)

This is not just about safe sex, this is about fun and pleasurable safe sex. Dental dams are useful on not just cunts, but assholes as well. So, if you are into licking a person’s cunt, or their asshole, knowing about dental dams is important.

First of all, if you don’t have a dental dam around, there are some quick and easy ways to create one. The first is non-microwaveable cling (aka Saran) wrap. Non-microwavable is actually important, as the kind you can use in the microwave has microscopic holes, which means STIs can get through the barrier. Just rip a strip of it off, and you are good to go. Another easy solution is to cut up a condom. First, cut off the tip, then cut it in half (the long ways). If you have gloves around, there are a few ways to cut them up to make them into a dam. One is to cut off the three middle fingers, and then when you use it you can stick your thumbs into the glove for a nice hold. Another is to cut off the four fingers, leaving the thumb, and then cut up the pinky side. This has the advantage of the thumb can be used to stick your tongue through.

Now that you have your dental dam, be it bought or made, it is time to use it!

• Use a new dam each time.
• Do not flip the dam over partway through, that defeats the purpose of using one at all.
• Similarly, don’t share dams. (aka if person A is going down on person B and C, person A should not use the same dam on B and C.)

Spread the dam over the part of the body you are going to be licking. Make sure to hold both sides of the dam the entire time. A really good thing to do is to put some lube on the dam (not the side you’re licking…) to increase the sensation. For me, a large part of the fun of having someone go down on me is the wetness, lubricant is good for that. Be careful that you use lubes that are safe with the material of the dam you are using, which is the same as for lube/condom compatibility. No oil lubes, keep silicone lube away from silicone dams, etc. Also, if you are use a dam on someone with a cunt who is prone to yeast infections, be careful not to use lube with glycerine.

If you aren’t fond of the taste of the material, there are either flavored lubes (be careful because many of these have glycerine) and there are actually flavored dental dams. As a side note, mint flavored dams can function as a breath mint in case you happen to have a dam and no mints or gum. Also, if you made the dam from a condom, if it was prelubricated then you also have the taste of that lube to consider.

The basic idea is just the simple “put over body, go to town.”  But the dam, like any barrier, changes sensations. Even with lube, it won’t feel the same, so you may need to adjust your technique. This also means that the person receiving should GIVE FEEDBACK. Now, maybe this is just me, but if you tell me what is and is not working, I find it a lot easier to give more pleasure, and it is really damn hot.

Also, there are apparently dental dam harnesses you can buy or make…

Now, I’ve never used one of those, but hey, it could be fun! Another important thing to consider is if you are using both oral and penetrative methods, make sure you don’t ruin your carefulness with oral sex by not wearing gloves on your hands, or a condom.

So, the next time you decide to go down on someone, or have someone go down on you, consider both your own health and theirs. You can pass stuff without knowing you even have it. Also, if you’re rimming someone, it is can be really easy to catch all kinds of things. Dental dams can be a lot of fun, if you have some practice, and figure out what kind you and your partner like best.

As usual, any feedback is welcome!

EDIT- Turns out, with saren wrap it doesn’t matter if it is the microwaveable kind or not. The difference is that pores open up in the microwaveable type, which would be an issue, except our bodies don’t get up to such high temperatures. So yeah, knock yourselves out!

Answers with an Agenda 2- Kissing

Especially after the feedback I got last week, figured I’d do another sexplanation, except the question I have gotten the most over the years isn’t about sex, but kissing.

How do you kiss (well)?

The first time I got asked this question, it was years ago, early in high school. My friend asked me this in an IM conversation, because she was nervous about kissing a guy for the first time with no experience. Then another friend asked, and another.

Now, I like to think I’m decent at kissing, but the more I’ve kissed, the more I’ve learned about kissing, the less concrete advice I have. The first and most important piece of advice is

Always be adaptable.

What do I mean by that? I mean be ready to change with each kissing partner, because different people do not kiss the same and do not like the same kiss. Be adaptable, and stay adaptable. Now, on to the ‘how-to.’

General advice:

• Everything on this comes from my own personal experiences and preferences. So, if you disagree with something on here, feel free to comment to that extent!
• Use chapstick, lip balm, etc. Most people don’t like kissing chapped lips. It also is often more comfortable to kiss when your lips don’t hurt.
• Don’t eat garlic, onions, or other breath changing foods right beforehand unless your kissing partner did too, or you know they won’t mind the taste
• If you smoke, brush your teeth well before you kiss a nonsmoker
• If you are a nonsmoker, be careful about kissing smokers. It really can taste like an ashtray.
• Don’t have food/gum in your mouth (unless you are intentionally trying to pass something to the other person)
• Practice makes perfect. Few people are naturally good kissers, so getting feedback on your kissing style from a variety of people can really help.
• Most important: HAVE FUN!

A Closed Mouth Kiss:

This kind of kiss is a great place to start, be it for people new to kissing, for kissing someone new, or just to mix things up. Kissing does not always have to be a face-eating lip lock.

I mean, sure, that kiss is a “classic,” but it is not only acceptable, but quite fun to occasionally kiss without either opening your mouth or using tongue. What you do instead is purse your lips together a bit, by bringing in the corners of your mouth a bit. You don’t need to do that a ton, but just enough to help sort of “fluff” up your lips. Also, at the same time, it helps to push your lips out a bit. The goal here, for both of these, isn’t to shove your lips out in the stereotypical pucker “o” for a kiss, but to help cushion the kiss from your teeth.

When actually kissing, lean in, and softly press your lips to theirs. Tilting your head to the side to keep noses from smacking helps, but make sure you tilt your head a different direction as your partner. The goal here is not to have an incredible amount of pressure (you aren’t making a pancake) but enough to sensualize the kiss. This pressure can range from the softest, barely brushing their lips (which can be lots of fun and even tingley) to a greater pressure for a more passionate version. For a longer closed mouth kiss, massaging their lips slightly with yours is often a good choice as well.

An Open Mouth Kiss:

Now, think the closed mouth kiss, but open your mouth up to theirs. A key thing for open mouthed kisses is that teeth should not be hitting. In fact, teeth should almost always be covered by your lips. Moving your lips is key here, not just being a dead fish with the other person taking all the action. Not moving too much, but enough to show your interest. Fun variations include sucking gently on the top or bottom lip, and pulling it out slightly. If you are kissing a masochist, or someone who likes a bit of pain, sucking harder is an option, as is nibbling (yes, using your teeth) on their upper or lower lip. If you really are kissing a masochist, biting down can lead to delightful gasping noises from them.

Be careful about completely covering their mouth and lips with yours, you will end up slobbering all over their face.

A Kiss with Tongue:

Also known as “making out” or “french kissing,” kissing with tongue can be quite a bit of fun! (Okay, tongue leaving cheek now. Pun intended.) But really, this is a blast when doing it right. Go from an open-mouthed kiss, and either accept your partner’s tongue into your mouth, or slide your tongue into theirs. If you are using your tongue into their mouth, I would not recommend immediately trying to see how much of your tongue you can get in their mouth. This is not the time to shove your tongue down their throat to check their gag reflex… no, really. It is important to keep your tongue moving, up and down, side to side, in circles, but vary it a bit so you aren’t just doing the same thing over and over.

It is often better to start the kiss, go for a bit, close your mouth, and then restart. This helps with the variation thing. A few fun tricks include running your tongue across their lips before kissing them (some people like this, some do not,) as well as actively exploring their entire mouth. For more passionate moments, it might be fine to shove your tongue deep into their mouth and “down their throat” but make sure it is ok with your partner, and if they do not like it, then really, do NOT do it. Not so fun if it isn’t what a person is looking for. Again, if you are kissing a masochist, sucking hard on their tongue can sometimes be a good thing, as can biting it, but do those with only extreme discretion.

But what about my hands?!

This is probably what a lot of the people who have asked me about kissing really wanted to know: where to put their hands. A good option is one hand on the side of the person you are kissing’s face, their back, or even their arms. If you are really getting into making out, putting your arms around to their back and moving them around is a good plan. Another fun thing about kissing is that it DOES leave your hands free, to maybe pin them against the wall, run your hands all across their skin, tease their nipple, give them a handjob, scratch their back, the possibilities only end with your imagination.

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Now, for some fun additions, here is a wonderfully bitchy list about some of the kisses I’ve had, from great to horrible!

• Pancake: Closed mouth kiss with so much pressure you feel like your lips are turning into pancakes. Also known as the facemash.
• Catfish: Intentionally named after the bottom feeder, this is when the other person doesn’t move their tongue up at all while making out with you.
• Plunger: When there is negative pressure, and no matter what it seems like the air is being sucked out of your mouth and into theirs.
• Flood: From your nose to your chin, from ear to ear, if you are covered in slobber after a kiss, you just had a flood kiss!
• Cloud: Ever been in an airplane and looked out, and seen the clouds and how fluffy they are? This kiss feels like clouds look like they are supposed to feel. Hot.

Not everyone intellectualizes things quite like this, so to each their own. But the most important thing BESIDES having fun is reading your partner and responding to them. No one kisses quite the same as someone else, so go out and figure out who YOU like to kiss. :D