Kissing and KinkForAll…

I will hopefully be thoroughly sparked to write lots of fabulous entries after tomorrow, as it is KinkForAll Providence 2, and that should cause lots of cool thoughts to think.

Regardless, recently I keep thinking back to first moments. Specifically, first kisses… I don’t always remember the actual first moment, but something always sticks with me. I wish I could remember more, but my memory is not my strong suit. At all.

Like the few details I remember of my first kiss, besides that it was definitely making out, it was young enough that many people try to tell me it doesn’t count, and their was surprisingly no gum on the table.

We were hiding under a table off to the side of the rink. Everyone else at the party was having fun roller blading around the rink, but there we were, hiding under the table off to the side. I barely remember his face, but his hair sticks out in my mind. He hated that I was stronger, faster, a better skater, a better roller blader than he. He hated it, but liked me. So he was my boyfriend. I was his girlfriend. It made sense, then, to sit under that table, and figure out what about kissing those older kids were always so excited about.

My memory is sometimes so bad I can’t remember a first kiss. Oddly, many of the first kisses I remember aren’t the important ones, the important people. (And considering who reads this blog… that may or may not be you.)

I knew she liked me, and I think she knew I liked her, but all I could think the entire walk back to my dorm was “damn it all why the hell did I have to make the move?” Campus was amazingly quiet as we walked, and there was plenty of fun tension between the two of us. We talked about the stars, we talked about wishes, and I have no recollection of that conversation because I kept thinking about earlier when we were spooning through the movie, when we had lots of “hand sex.” She could hold hands like no one else I’ve known before or since… But it was after that, we had circled each other for so long (in college terms, so two days) and there she was, walking me back to my dorm. Except then the walk ended, there was the door, and we stopped to talk for a bit. I knew… As I leaned in to kiss part of my brain was going “Yes! I can make moves!” and part was going “holyshitholyshitIgettokissthishotgirl” and the rest, mostly decided she might not be the best kisser but she was still worth kissing again.

Despite what so many things get said in movies, in books, in our culture, the first kiss does not mean jack shit about how a relationship (be it one night stand, fuck buddy, never mind we’re just friends, dating, whatever) will go. Sometimes that first kiss isn’t even a good indication of how a person kisses. I might have a bad memory, but how terrible of a memory do must you have to forget how to kiss at all?

The light reflected off her eyes in fascinating ways, but despite how much I was captivated by her eyes I kept looking away. Too much tension, too many nerves, why couldn’t I just look at her and move in? “I like you…” I muttered. “You have beautiful eyes…” I said, instead of asking what I really was thinking “Please, just kiss me?” The night had been fun. The movie was entertaining. Even misreading each others signals constantly, we had really connected. This was a person I could trust, someone who had been through shit as well. I looked at her again, and looked back at the door of my car. I didn’t want to go, not until we kissed, but I couldn’t bring myself to make the move. Finally, she leaned in. I was swept away in the moment. We stammered goodbye, and it was only while driving home I realized that despite my stomach doing backflips of jubilation, she really couldn’t kiss very well at all.

Those memories I like. Even as the emotions have settled into their proper places, such as that first barely remembered childhood boyfriend, I enjoy remembering.

I’m a highly associative person. Places, songs, anything can be an important association. Like how seeing a blood donation van gets me to text my college roommate and ask how she’s doing. KinkForAll has a lot of associations. Tomorrow is KinkForAll Providence 2. This time, I’m helping organize it, and a lot has changed in the year and a month since the last one. I’m looking forward to the new associations.

Impending Feeling of Certainty

I’m both a very impulsive person, and someone who thinks things through excessively. I like contradictions. Or rather apparent contradictions. As much as I’m an easy going person (never ask me where we should go for dinner when hanging out, because 99% of the time I truly have no preference and will NOT make the decision) I get incredibly stubborn once I have decided something. I don’t decide things about the world usually, I have thoughts and ideas, but few decisions. I like the flexibility, the mutability, of my world view. I like options, and exploring all of them.

But when I decide things, it usually seems out of no where, and I stick by that decision. A good example is when I was picking colleges. I toured a bunch, and had a top 3 list, and a “never going here” list, but one day in either September or October, I randomly decided that my top school was definitely my top school and that I would apply there ED. It was out of no where enough that it caused some arguing with my mom, but I had decided. I never applied anywhere else, mostly because I was lucky and got in. But I went from considering all these options, from saying repeatedly that I’d be happy at my top school, my safety schools, that I could be happy at any of these schools, to only wanting one. I had decided.

I keep hoping that one of these day’s I’ll decide what I want to do (as in job) in the next five years of my life. I spend the time thinking about it, but that leads not to decisions, but more thoughts, and more thoughts.

I decided I would go on T years ago. The only question was when. It was something I put off and put off, but once I had decided it was time, I called up and got my appointment. Please note- I don’t like making phone calls. I called to order pizza for the first time in my life in the last few weeks, because I will do pretty much anything in order to avoid calling a stranger (or even someone I know who I don’t call often.) Once I decided it was time, I just did it.

About my only exception to making decisions is when I used to make promises to myself. That past tense is very intentional. These days I’m pretty good about holding myself accountable to goals and such, but I don’t ever make a promise to myself. Mostly because every single one made to myself I’ve broken. From never smoking cigarettes, to never hooking up with a specific person (done more than once), to never crying in front of C again, to never breaking another promise to myself. All of them weren’t just broken, more like shattered into a thousand pieces. So, no more promises to myself. I don’t want to break them, so I don’t make them and even have that on the table. I do my best, and strive to do better each time, promise or no. Fuck absolutism.

I feel like I’m about to decide something. It feels vaguely like an “impending feeling of doom” but without the doom and with a weird feeling of certainty. Weird in that I have absolutely no idea what I’m certain about.

But hey, at least it’s an update.

e[lust] #18

HNT Courtesy of Barefoot Dreamer – Photo by Jon H.

Welcome to e[lust] - Your source for sexual intelligence and inspirations of lust from the smartest & sexiest bloggers! Whether you’re looking for hot steamy smut, thought-provoking opinions or expert information, you’re going to find it here. Want to be included in e[lust] #19? Start with the rules, check out the schedule and subscribe to the RSS feed for updates!

~ This Week’s Top Three Posts ~

Off Limits for 30 Days – “You don’t listen very well,” I heard her hiss. “That’s off limits, damn you.” And there was a crack and fiery agony clawed into my back.

The Joy of Sucking Cock – I wonder at times if that is why I am such a “good little cocksucker” as W calls me. When I am deeply into it, I almost enter this place where I am both the sucker and suckee, and it is as though it is MY cock being sucked on.

This intensity gets me riled when I am tied up (photo story) – James picked up that evil strap again. I watched helplessly as he positioned himself to use it on my pussy… Ever so lightly he started. Flick, flick, flick.

~ e[lust] Editress ~

Ask Lilly: How do I know if a sex toy has phthalates in it? – The studies going around are saying that phthalate exposure can damage all sorts of organs, and can possibly cause cancer. There are a lot of harmful things in our world these days that we can’t avoid – so when we CAN avoid something like toxins in our sex toys, we should.

~ Featured Post (Lilly’s Pick) ~

Portal. Confession #493 – It truly is a spiritual give and take, these sexual relationships I form. I can cross the threshold and see however much of someone that I choose to see, with whomever it is that I am involved with.

See also: Pleasurists #88 and #89 for all your sex toy review needs.

All blogs that have a submission in this edition must re-post this digest from tip-to-toe on their blogs within 7 days. Re-posting the photo is optional and the use of the “read more…” tag is allowable after this point. Thank you, and enjoy!

PSA- Herpes

Quick safe sex PSA…

As many as 30% of herpes cases transmitted genitally are actually from “oral” herpes, HSV-1. So, if you get cold sores, please be safe. (From Scarleteen.)

Oral safe sex is really important. You can transmit herpes even when not exhibiting symptoms. Condoms are great for going down on a bio-cock, and dental dams (or Saran wrap) are fabulous for cunts and assholes.

Most places do not test for herpes, and you can have it (and pass it on) without ever showing symptoms. So please, be safe y’all!

Yes, I’m A Geek

I don’t watch much TV. It and I don’t quite get along. I mostly only watch when I’m at my mother’s, because it’s a family event. But the main reason I don’t watch much is because most times, television shows end up erasing my personality a bit. As in, I get rather zombified. So, I don’t watch television, except for the kinds of shows that don’t do that.

And Joss Whedon shows have never done that.

Firefly, Dollhouse… Yup, I’m a geek. But, I hadn’t actually seen any of his television shows until I was in college. Firefly? Well okay, I had only heard of it during high school, so that I just got around to watching it in college makes sense. But what surprises people, especially myself in hindsight, is that I had never seen an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer until my frosh year of college. Somehow, I missed that phenomenon.

And now, I’ve started to get S into it. We’re into season 1, and seeing how it goes. Meanwhile, I’ve decided to finally finish the series (no, I never did make it all the way through) and picked it back up partway through season 6 where I left off. Which creates some really interesting dynamics, watching where the characters end up and where they came from at the same time. Watching the much fluffier first season just start to grapple with these characters, versus the much more serious issues and confrontations of season 6. Buffy engages with sexuality, stereotypes, drugs, gender roles, and family dynamics. It’s cliche, it is about a modern day superhero girl and vampires, and I have no delusions about that.

But, the early seasons are so delightfully 90s that I can’t help but enjoy myself. At heart, I am a 90s child. Just with a very different sense of gender and masculinity.

Really?

Older boy: Hey, can I get this gum? *holds up a black pack with pink writing*
Mother: *glances at it* No, get something else.
Older boy: Why? It’s just berry-flavored.
Mother: You can’t have it, it’s pink. Get a different one.
The boy rolls his eyes and grabs a spearmint-flavored one, which has blue writing. I just gawk, mutter “Really?”, but don’t say anything audible because, y’know, at work and all. But I never knew anyone would be that ridiculous.

From the Customers Suck Forum

Not my story, but when I came across it I felt the need to share with all of you.

PSA- Saran Wrap Dental Dams

Quick safe sex PSA- for use of plastic wrap (like Saran wrap) for dental dams, it does not matter if it is the microwavable or non-microwavable kind. Microwavable Saran wrap does have microscopic pores, which would be bad, except that they do not open up until much higher temperatures than human beings ever reach.

So if you don’t have one of these:

It is fine to use whichever kind of this:

e[lust] #17

Photo courtesy of Elle from Kink Unleashed

Welcome to e[lust] - Your source for sexual intelligence and inspirations of lust from the smartest & sexiest bloggers! Whether you’re looking for hot steamy smut, thought-provoking opinions or expert information, you’re going to find it here. Want to be included in e[lust] #18? Start with the rules, check out the schedule and subscribe to the RSS feed for updates!

Editor’s Note: A little change in how things are done for this edition – you’ll notice there are no “Top 3″ picks – due in part to the holiday I ended up being extremely short on judges and I didn’t have enough for fair voting. So instead, I expanded my “Featured Post”. (If you’d like to volunteer to be an occasional judge for e[lust], just email me, Lilly, at questions.e.lust @ gmail.com) Also, please be sure to check out the new summer schedule in effect until the 20th edition.

~ Featured Posts (Lilly’s Pick) ~

Why Pride is Still Important – When someone tells me that they don’t think Pride is necessary, I can’t help but believe that they go through life with tunnel vision. I live in New York where for the most part I can walk around being a big ol’ queen and I’ll make it home alive, but there are people who live in places where they can’t. Even here in New York you’ll get called a faggot from time to time by passing cars or groups of punks, and even here in New York I hear stories of people getting the shit kicked out of them just because they were gay.

Fantasies and Condoms – Our culture has created a narrative in which sex only feels good and looks sexy if no one is protected. We’re all suffering from this narrative, but sex workers are probably suffering the most.

~ e[lust] Editress ~

Some days we need a little hope – I encourage you to practice random acts of kindness that could be worthy of inclusion on the site (GivesMeHope.com). Be nice, be caring, let your heart open up just for the sake of bringing someone some happiness or comfort. Do you know how good it feels to just give?

See also: Pleasurists #83 and #84 for all your sex toy review needs.

All blogs that have a submission in this edition must re-post this digest from tip-to-toe on their blogs within 7 days. Re-posting the photo is optional and the use of the “read more…” tag is allowable after this point. Thank you, and enjoy!

e[lust] #15

Photo courtesy of Sexy Tiger X

Welcome to e[lust] - Your source for sexual intelligence and inspirations of lust from the smartest & sexiest bloggers! Whether you’re looking for hot steamy smut, thought-provoking opinions or expert information, you’re going to find it here. Want to be included in e[lust] #16? Start with the rules, check out the schedule in the site’s sidebar and subscribe to the RSS feed for updates!

~ This Week’s Top Three Posts ~

Evolution – Open Marriage, Swinging, & Polyamory – Do we REALLY believe that there is one love for us? Do we really believe there’s one cock or pussy to fuck for the rest of our life?

Sweet To Taste – “I’m dinner tonight,” she breathes. “So don’t let me get cold before you start feasting.”

Having a boyfriend makes me feel fat - I know my worth as a person isn’t devalued by my weight – but I can’t get past the notion that my worth as a partner is.

~ e[lust] Editress ~

Fucked by a Stranger – For as long as I can remember, I’ve had this bizarre, twisted fantasy. The roads leading to it were different, but the end result the same: a stranger fucking a very willing me in my bed in the dead of night.

~ Featured Post (Lilly’s Pick) ~

At Her Mercy – “You have been such a good boy today. Where do you want me to put your cock next?” she said with a wink.

See also: Pleasurists #78 and #79 for all your sex toy review needs.

All blogs that have a submission in this edition must re-post this digest from tip-to-toe on their blogs within 7 days. Re-posting the photo is optional and the use of the “read more…” tag is allowable after this point. Thank you, and enjoy!

Erotic Writing

A Taste of Honey
A Collaborative Fantasy
Dirty in all the Right Places
Fuck my face
I miss your cock
I Didn’t Think I Was Ready…
In a nightclub
Just can’t get enough
Let’s Not Waste That Morning Wood
Morning Lust
Nothing Personal, prologue, part one
Possess Me
Stowaway Dildo. Confession #477
The Black Sheets
The Sitter
Waking Up

Sex News, Interviews, Politics & Humor

EdenFantasys: A pattern of deception
HIV, Lube Quality, and Anal Sex: Scare Tactics at the LA Times
I Bet Nick Cage Won’t Eat A Preying Mantis
Interview with Scott Owens of EroticBPM
Reaching a Goal

Kink & Fetish

Another Night of Debauchery
Batteries with a Hook
Chastity and the ensuing Punishment
Differences in Submission
I can feel him punch-fucking me
Patient Griselda
Please hurt me
Please, Sir
Remembrances
Story: The Price (FM/M)
Summoned
The Submissive & My Paddle
Visceral and cerebral
Whippings at the Royal Palace

Thoughts & Advice on Sex & Relationships

Answers with an Agenda 3- Dental Dams
Acceptance
Getting Started – Their Profile
How Swinging Gave Me Confidence
My View on Monogamy
Roxy’s April Visit: Collaring My girl, the Ceremony
Sometimes Simplicity
The Sad Seal Lady & Other Precautionary Tales
The 4 of Swords

Anyone Want A Woodgasm?

Recently, S got me a beautiful wooden handle flogger made by NobEssence. It is a gorgeous handle, with beautiful curves, and delightful leather tails that I may be cutting to angle, but I have not yet decided.

When we did our road trip hitting a bunch of midwest sex positive stores, I first fell in deep lust with wooden toys, specifically wooden floggers.

Now, Hey Epiphora is holding a giveaway for any NobEssence toy sold by SheVibes. That would be any toy of your choice. Go check out all those delightful wooden toys, because they are really fabulous. Hand sculpted, well sealed, and each one is not quite the same, they are all unique.

But what makes this giveaway something I am willing to blog about? The addition of her call for two twitter parties.

The most exciting way to enter this giveaway will be to attend one or both of the two Twitter parties I’ll be holding. YEAH, I’M GOING THERE. Com’n, it’ll be fun! We’ll use the hashtag #woodgasm, chat about sex toys, and each participant will earn an entry into the giveaway just for participating. I’ll also be asking trivia questions, and party-goers who are quickest to correctly answer these questions will get extra entries.

Personally, I think this sounds like a blast. Trivia questions on NobEssence and dildos? Right up my alley. Regardless, I may not be able to make the first one, so I wanted to make sure to announce to my delightful readers (however large or small a following it may be) and let you all know about these fun things.

• Party #1- Saturday, June 12th, 2010, 3 p.m. — 4 p.m. PST.
• Party #2- Wednesday, June 16th, 2010, 6 p.m. — 7 p.m. PST.

Go check out the giveaway, and partake in the twitter parties! If I’m lucky, I’ll see some of you there. Oh, and remember, the deadline for this competition is

June 20th, 2010 at 11:59 p.m. PST.