I will hopefully be thoroughly sparked to write lots of fabulous entries after tomorrow, as it is KinkForAll Providence 2, and that should cause lots of cool thoughts to think.
Regardless, recently I keep thinking back to first moments. Specifically, first kisses… I don’t always remember the actual first moment, but something always sticks with me. I wish I could remember more, but my memory is not my strong suit. At all.
Like the few details I remember of my first kiss, besides that it was definitely making out, it was young enough that many people try to tell me it doesn’t count, and their was surprisingly no gum on the table.
We were hiding under a table off to the side of the rink. Everyone else at the party was having fun roller blading around the rink, but there we were, hiding under the table off to the side. I barely remember his face, but his hair sticks out in my mind. He hated that I was stronger, faster, a better skater, a better roller blader than he. He hated it, but liked me. So he was my boyfriend. I was his girlfriend. It made sense, then, to sit under that table, and figure out what about kissing those older kids were always so excited about.
My memory is sometimes so bad I can’t remember a first kiss. Oddly, many of the first kisses I remember aren’t the important ones, the important people. (And considering who reads this blog… that may or may not be you.)
I knew she liked me, and I think she knew I liked her, but all I could think the entire walk back to my dorm was “damn it all why the hell did I have to make the move?” Campus was amazingly quiet as we walked, and there was plenty of fun tension between the two of us. We talked about the stars, we talked about wishes, and I have no recollection of that conversation because I kept thinking about earlier when we were spooning through the movie, when we had lots of “hand sex.” She could hold hands like no one else I’ve known before or since… But it was after that, we had circled each other for so long (in college terms, so two days) and there she was, walking me back to my dorm. Except then the walk ended, there was the door, and we stopped to talk for a bit. I knew… As I leaned in to kiss part of my brain was going “Yes! I can make moves!” and part was going “holyshitholyshitIgettokissthishotgirl” and the rest, mostly decided she might not be the best kisser but she was still worth kissing again.
Despite what so many things get said in movies, in books, in our culture, the first kiss does not mean jack shit about how a relationship (be it one night stand, fuck buddy, never mind we’re just friends, dating, whatever) will go. Sometimes that first kiss isn’t even a good indication of how a person kisses. I might have a bad memory, but how terrible of a memory do must you have to forget how to kiss at all?
The light reflected off her eyes in fascinating ways, but despite how much I was captivated by her eyes I kept looking away. Too much tension, too many nerves, why couldn’t I just look at her and move in? “I like you…” I muttered. “You have beautiful eyes…” I said, instead of asking what I really was thinking “Please, just kiss me?” The night had been fun. The movie was entertaining. Even misreading each others signals constantly, we had really connected. This was a person I could trust, someone who had been through shit as well. I looked at her again, and looked back at the door of my car. I didn’t want to go, not until we kissed, but I couldn’t bring myself to make the move. Finally, she leaned in. I was swept away in the moment. We stammered goodbye, and it was only while driving home I realized that despite my stomach doing backflips of jubilation, she really couldn’t kiss very well at all.
Those memories I like. Even as the emotions have settled into their proper places, such as that first barely remembered childhood boyfriend, I enjoy remembering.
I’m a highly associative person. Places, songs, anything can be an important association. Like how seeing a blood donation van gets me to text my college roommate and ask how she’s doing. KinkForAll has a lot of associations. Tomorrow is KinkForAll Providence 2. This time, I’m helping organize it, and a lot has changed in the year and a month since the last one. I’m looking forward to the new associations.