PSA- Herpes

Quick safe sex PSA…

As many as 30% of herpes cases transmitted genitally are actually from “oral” herpes, HSV-1. So, if you get cold sores, please be safe. (From Scarleteen.)

Oral safe sex is really important. You can transmit herpes even when not exhibiting symptoms. Condoms are great for going down on a bio-cock, and dental dams (or Saran wrap) are fabulous for cunts and assholes.

Most places do not test for herpes, and you can have it (and pass it on) without ever showing symptoms. So please, be safe y’all!

Yes, I’m A Geek

I don’t watch much TV. It and I don’t quite get along. I mostly only watch when I’m at my mother’s, because it’s a family event. But the main reason I don’t watch much is because most times, television shows end up erasing my personality a bit. As in, I get rather zombified. So, I don’t watch television, except for the kinds of shows that don’t do that.

And Joss Whedon shows have never done that.

Firefly, Dollhouse… Yup, I’m a geek. But, I hadn’t actually seen any of his television shows until I was in college. Firefly? Well okay, I had only heard of it during high school, so that I just got around to watching it in college makes sense. But what surprises people, especially myself in hindsight, is that I had never seen an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer until my frosh year of college. Somehow, I missed that phenomenon.

And now, I’ve started to get S into it. We’re into season 1, and seeing how it goes. Meanwhile, I’ve decided to finally finish the series (no, I never did make it all the way through) and picked it back up partway through season 6 where I left off. Which creates some really interesting dynamics, watching where the characters end up and where they came from at the same time. Watching the much fluffier first season just start to grapple with these characters, versus the much more serious issues and confrontations of season 6. Buffy engages with sexuality, stereotypes, drugs, gender roles, and family dynamics. It’s cliche, it is about a modern day superhero girl and vampires, and I have no delusions about that.

But, the early seasons are so delightfully 90s that I can’t help but enjoy myself. At heart, I am a 90s child. Just with a very different sense of gender and masculinity.

Really?

Older boy: Hey, can I get this gum? *holds up a black pack with pink writing*
Mother: *glances at it* No, get something else.
Older boy: Why? It’s just berry-flavored.
Mother: You can’t have it, it’s pink. Get a different one.
The boy rolls his eyes and grabs a spearmint-flavored one, which has blue writing. I just gawk, mutter “Really?”, but don’t say anything audible because, y’know, at work and all. But I never knew anyone would be that ridiculous.

From the Customers Suck Forum

Not my story, but when I came across it I felt the need to share with all of you.

Answers with an Agenda 10- Don’t Be Afraid

Okay, so this is in part a continuation of last week, as it is off of the same question. But it very much deserves its own entry. Actually, it deserves many, many entries, but this is more of a 101 level than the advance class.

How do two girls have sex? (Or… two people with cunts)

So many ways, so many ideas, so many body types. Again, for ease of typing, I’m going to call it a cunt and a clit, rather than each time going through the range of words people who happen to own such body parts prefer. It isn’t just girls and women who have cunts, there are a range of other people with them as well. Whereas last week was focused on using your hands, this week, it is time to focus on your mouth!

Using Your Mouth

Your mouth has a few important parts: lips, teeth, and tongue. There are all kinds of delightful things you can do with these three parts.

If you can guess (in a comment) whose lips and teeth those are, you win a prize. Prize will probably be some kind of lube (yes, actual prize.) Behind those teeth is a tongue, and with those three parts there are all kinds of delightfully delicious things you can do to a partner. Kissing, nibbling on the person’s neck, sucking on their fingers… there are all kinds of things to do. If you are going to bite, start light and slowly build unless you already know their pain tolerance, in which case go for it! Bite marks leave delightful bruises, occasionally turning a very pretty blue-ish purple color. Sucking can leave nicely colored marks as well, but tend to be more on the red scale than the blue.

But the thrust of this entry is more about using your mouth on someone’s cunt, because that is considered a “typical” way for two people with cunts to have sex.

Your faced with a cunt, and suddenly you are going, “now what?” My first time was aided a lot by reading; I knew what I was getting into. First of all, it is important to know what you are looking at.

Now, most of these tissues are soft, some are mucous membranes, so until you have a better idea what you’re doing, do not use your teeth. If you are not fluid bond with your partner, remember to practice safe sex. Get a dental dam before sucking on their cunt, or saran wrap (does not have to be non-microwaveable) and put some lube on the cunt side of the dam. Also, you may want to put flavored lube on the side of the dam your mouth will be on as well. remember, no oil lube near the cunt, no oil lube on latex, and no silicone lube on silicone. Safe sex is hot. So is consent, but I’m going to assume that you obtained explicit consent before going down on your partner.

To start off, some great places to lick: the crease where the thigh meets the genitals, the labia, the slit, and the clit. Licking is good to build up anticipation or to use in combination with other things.

Now, when you lean in, cover your teeth with you lips and keep them that way. Biting in this region is something some people like, but if the person doesn’t they probably will be very turned off by it, so keep your teeth covered. Just the presence of your mouth surrounding your partners clit can be an incredibly intense feeling for them. Surround the clit with your lips and suck gently. Also, run your tongue back and forth across their clit. Explore their reactions to what you do. Back and forth, in circles, flick their clit with your tongue, there are all sorts of things to do while gently sucking. Not everyone enjoys direct clit stimulation, if that is the case for your partner, suck gently on their clit but don’t play with the tip. If they say “harder” suck harder, though they may not say anything and grab your head and push you into them to increase the pressure.

Regardless, don’t just do the same thing over and over. Continuing to do what they enjoy is a great idea, but just sucking and moving your tongue back and forth the same way at the same intensity can get boring. Doing something else can increase the sensations already present. So another delightful thing you can do with your tongue is sliding your tongue in between their inner lips (labia minora,) right along their slit. Some people really enjoy this, and are sensitive there. You can even slide your tongue into their cunt, and do a bit of an “in and out” motion. Sucking on their inner lips can also sometimes bring wonderful reactions from your partner.

But the biggest thing to remember is that unlike what is shown in most porn, and unlike this bear:

Just sticking out your tongue is not enough. You need to get your face into your partner’s cunt. Lips feel fabulous, trust me! Sticking your tongue out and daintily attempting to lick your partner/flick their clit a little is not enough for most people. Also, some people just have short tongues. So, don’t be afraid of the cunt. It doesn’t have teeth, you do. Lick it, suck on the lips, the clit, slide your tongue inside it, taste it, savour it, enjoy it.

I’m someone who personally enjoys a lot of teasing for a build up, either giving or receiving. I like to kiss along someone’s thighs, sucking on their inner thigh, and even nibbling them before actually sucking on them. While going down on your partner you’re partner you may notice your hands are free. Use them in all kinds of delightful ways, like reaching up and playing with their nipples (yes, even cismales can enjoy having their nipples played with, so regardless this can be a good technique for anyone.) If you are into kinky things, you can use them to scratch your partner’s back (depending on position,) grab their thighs, hit their ass or thighs, etc.

You can also slide inside of them, combining using your hands and your mouth.  This can really ratchet up the intensity, and can be a lot of fun. I have had someone ask me “How the hell do you do that?” after combining the two. It was just one finger, slid inside, and gently hitting their g spot whenever I wasn’t too distracted swirling my tongue around their clit. Combining doing things with your hands and mouth is a really great way to fuck.

So remember everyone:

• No teeth
• Get in there, don’t be afraid to make your face messy
• Careful about having something being “too much”
• Dental dams are your friend
• So is lube. Which can come in wonderful, glycerine free flavors!
• Enjoy yourself :D

Now, a lot of these things are 101 tips. If you are fluid bonded with your partner, maybe you’re not using dental dams, but lube can still be awesome. If you know what you’re doing, or your partner asks for it, teeth can be wonderful. S uses her teeth very well, I avoid using mine at all costs, and the first time someone accidently used their teeth on me it was the biggest turn off possible at that moment.

Now, I know I didn’t cover positioning. There is a lot of advice out there on what position is best, should you shove a pillow under someone’s hips, etc. But really, it depends on the build and body of each person involved. So practice, and find out what works for you. Best way to do it, and you have the delightful “side effect” of having to go down on them more. Whatever will you do?

That concludes part II of this series, next week look forward to a similar AwaA except this time on using sex toys with partners!

Eugenics and Gender- Angry Moment Of The Day

This morning I was reading an article from a few years ago about how ethical it is to choose artificial insemination in order to pick the “gender” of a child. There were a lot of presumptions in the article. Some of the highlights include:

• There are two sexes, corresponding to two genders, which are based on the chromosomes XX or XY. (Apparently people who are trans, intersex, or otherwise not fitting into that rigid structure do not exist.)
• Eugenics is not a serious ethical concern. We don’t need to think/worry about it. (On so many levels, WTF?!)
• Pro-choice people “see no principled objection to all PGD”  because the only principle concern is whether or not pre-implanted fetuses are considered children. (See previous assumption highlight.)
• Class issues are not connected to an ethical debate (Because a costly, not likely covered by insurance, medical procedure limits the people who could use it, and that isn’t an ethical issue at all. Nope.

As I read through this article, part of my brain was screaming “Gattaca! Gattaca!” I admit, probably not the most logical response. The author was right in that we tend to get caught up in what “could be” instead of dealing with the ethical situations of the moment. But the entire article was so chock full of bullshit assumptions, and missing so many arguments, that his one redeeming moment is completely overshadowed.

From the movie Gattaca

First of all, there are not two genders, based around two chromosomes. Actually, it isn’t even directly the chromosomes that determine the physiological characteristics of a child. Not to mention, there are plenty of people like myself who regardless of birth assigned gender, are NOT that gender and are working to change their body as a result. So, pretty much anyway you slice it, the author’s head needs to be rather removed from his ass in order to realize that no, he is basing much of his argument on false claims. (As a side note, that I sadly cannot cite because I do not recall where I read it, but apparently the demand for girls has dramatically outpaced the demand for boys at clinics. He claims it to be otherwise, but gives zero citation for that fact. Not like I can find my citation either… But figured it was worth a mention.)

My biggest “wft” moment of reading the entire article though was the quote “PGD is ethically controversial because it involves the screening and likely destruction of embryos… those who view the early embryo as too rudimentary in developement to have rights or interests see no principled objection to all PGD.” The only thing I left out of this quote was how anti-choicers who believe embryos to already be children endowed with rights have huge issues with PGD. Unsurprising. And the author is right that I do not see the embryos as being developed enough to have interests or rights. But the phrasing it so that there could be zero other “principled objections” to PGD is bullshit. Maybe he was attempting to get the question of rights out of the way, except that is not how it was phrased.

Maybe I’d give the author the benefit of the doubt if he didn’t keep doing things such as saying “They might reasonably argue…” without ever addressing the arguments themselves. If he is going to attempt to defend the ethics of something, he needs to put forth the arguments in support of that claim. Just saying they exist is not sufficient. Great, so there is an argument (or many) out there for PGD. Tell me them? But no, nothing of the sort happens.

The author completely ignores any wider than the family itself response to PGD. He did not address a wider community effect, other than saying that we shouldn’t worry about what the future may enable us to do, because we can’t do that yet. So, only engage with the present ethical dilemma. And there is value in holding the debate about current ethical situations rather than debating about a nebulous future. Except, he didn’t engage the current issues!

Class problems with PGD were not mentioned at all. The author never addressed the major problem of access to this procedure, saying it should simply be the decision of the parents (when not made from a sexist standpoint.) But a large number of people cannot afford to pay for it. This is one reason why my brain started screaming “Gattaca!” over and over. Creating the ability for the higher class individuals to alter the genes of their kids, removing illnesses, selecting for gender, or even perfect pitch? I’m sorry, that is an ethically discussion that the author seemed to completely miss even existed.

Also from Gattaca, great shot of the obviously symbolic staircase

As did the entire question of genetic selection. The entire article had a huge underlying assumption that other than the objection relating to destruction of embryos, there is nothing seriously wrong with genetic selection. The author functions in a purely libertarian philosophical outlook, where the individual choice, preference, and liberty of the parents are all that matters. Know what? I love individual choice, I’m really big into liberty, and I feel both of those to such an extent that I’m rather anti-statist. But know what else? I’m also rather a bit of a communitarian. No, these are not incompatible, but they inform each other.

The conditions that PGD currently targets are already some ethically sealed deal. First of all, anything can be debated ethically. But using the tactic of pretending something doesn’t exist when it is a major deal still is bullshit. A lot of it comes from ableism, the very basic assuming that certain diseases, conditions, etc. makes someone have “less” of a life, and investing in these very expensive medical attempts at prevention rather than dealing with society and making it more likely for more people of different abilities to have the same rights, privileges and opportunities as everyone else. Because know what? The genetic potential for something does not mean that will happen. It is a potential, a possibility, and even if it does that doesn’t justify eugenics. Curing something? Certain things yes, but plenty of things don’t need a cure. Homosexuality for instance, does not need a cure. Trans people don’t need a cure, unless it is getting our bodies right, but we got needles, pills, and surgeries for that (though FtM bottom surgeries have a long way to go still.)

Gah. I’m done. I really can’t keep thinking about this. I thought it was bad enough when I was reading through the eugenics section of Mad In America, but no, I’ve had to go on and read more. Least I have tomorrow’s AwaA to look forward to, with lots of delicious sex. And yes, that adjective was very intentional.

Article: John A. Robertson, “Extending Preimplantation Genetic Diagnosis: Medical and Non-Medical Uses,” Journal Of Medical Ethics, vol. 29, 2003.

Current Pet Peeve of T

The first time through puberty I got incredibly lucky. I had great skin, from day one through the bitchy days of middle school and the angst-ridden days of high school. Acne was never a major problem, except sometimes on the backs of my arms. But my face? I rarely got zits. My back, never. So here is a demonic duck to express my frustration.

I knew that acne would come with T. I knew that, I had been told that, and naively thought because I got so lucky the first time through that it would be the same this time. S and C are probably shaking their heads, laughing at me, because even though I have been dealing the worst acne of my life, it isn’t that bad. I haven’t felt the need to go to the dermatologist, so long as I scrub my face a few times a day with acne wash, and every other day with a deeper exfoliant.

No, the pet peeve are zits just inside my nostril. They hurt. Moreover, I have pretty terrible allergies, and so every time I blow my nose, it hurts even more.

It drives me crazy. It annoys me endlessly, or at least until it goes away again. I know I’m lucky, I’ve never needed Accutane, and I still barely get break outs on my back. My arms have also been calm this time through, so that’s better than last time. I know I’m lucky but it is still driving me crazy. Because it isn’t angering, it is incredibly annoying, constant, and every time one goes away, within a week another one appears at my nostrils. Recurring, highly frustrating… yup, pet peeve of T.

Generally speaking, acne also makes shaving a pain in the ass. Or perhaps more accurately it is a pain in the face, as it makes cutting so much more likely. Shaving is difficult enough, but adding painful bumps I have to dodge just makes it worse. At least I have some whiskers to shave, right? Still…

Owie.

Answers with an Agenda 9- Using Hands

Remember those awkward questions? My most memorable was asked of me by two of my friends, one very close, one not so close, during high school bio class. One was the younger sister of a lesbian, the other was a bi chick, and both were progressive, supposedly very well sex-educated high schoolers… and yet they asked. At least they knew to feel embarrassed about how they were asking, but they genuinely wanted to know…

How do two girls have sex? (Or… two people with cunts)

First of all, not everyone has sex the same way, regardless of bodies, identities, and relationships. Not every heterosexual, cisgendered, etc. male/female couple has penile/vaginal sex for sex. So, two girls? Yeah, lots of ways.

But I’m not going to directly answer this question, because anyone reading my blog is not at sex ed 101, but more like 112. So, since not all girls have cunts, not all people with cunts are girls, since not everyone with a cunt calls it a cunt, or a pussy, sometimes its a front hole, sometimes a clit is a dick, etc., I’m not going to tell you about some of the ways two girls have sex. I’m going to cover how two people who both happen to have cunts could have sex, though it will be by no means a comprehensive list. But there really is a TON to talk about, so it will be in three parts, and today’s?

Using Hands

Now this set of methods is fun and easy. Person A, uses their hands on Person B. Person B may or may not be using their hands (on Person A) in return. Things to do with hands include (but are by no means limited to): tracing patterns on skin, scratching someone’s back, playing with their hair, flicking their nipples, slapping their inner thighs, caressing their arms, holding their wrists, rubbing their dick/clit/slit/etc. So much to cover, but here are some highlights and tips for those methods:

When running your hands across someone’s back, a light touch can be delightfully sensuous, and lightly running your nails across someone’s back can send shivers throughout their body. If they are into pain, potentially digging in a bit with your nails, scratching up their back, can be quite a bit of fun. Some people like this type of pain, others do not. A good rule of thumb is start of light, and not assume that another person likes having their back gouged up and blood drawn. Unless of course, they’ve told you this before.

Wait, you say, this isn’t sex! Well, for some of us, it is. I’ve gotten off before from someone doing nothing more than scratching my back and biting my upper back/shoulders/neck area. The next day I had a beautiful set of scratches, welts right where my backpack sat, and was a very happy masochist. But sex isn’t about getting off. It isn’t just about genitals. So, expand your thinking a bit.

But I’m going to be talking about genitals. Something more traditionally regarded as “sexual” when using hands is when person A uses their fingers to pleasure person B through touching B’s cunt. Now remember, foreplay is not just fun, it can make the whole experience a lot better. I love teasing, I am a giant tease, but I do, eventually, sometimes hours later, follow through. That build up can lead to much better orgasms. Try it out.

When you are person A be careful about having nails and accidently scratching person B. Also, be aware that cuts on your fingers can greatly increase the risk of sexual transmitted diseases, so this would be the time to use latex or nitrile (for those with latex allergies) gloves. They actually has a really fun feeling, and it helps reduce the risk of scratching by accident with nails. Also, if you have very long finger nails, you can stuff cotton balls into the finger tips and that way will not scratch your partner.

When actually touching your partner, be aware that different people have different preferences. Some people might really enjoy having their labia majora (outer lips) stroked lightly, a good way to start touching the other person, and seeing if they are comfortable with having you touch them there at all. There are times I don’t want to be touched on my cunt regardless of sexual desire/attraction, even with long standing partners, so be very watchful of what your partner’s reactions are like.

Now, there is a reason I stuck the diagram up there. It’s often a good idea to start exploring and have an idea of what is where with each new person, because different people are laid out differently, though that is the general set up. Take a look. Stare. Enjoy the view, and I mean really appreciate it. If you are having trouble appreciating it, go read/see “Because He Liked To Look At It” from the Vagina Monologues. As much as I detest Eve Ensler, that is a fabulous piece. So, send your fingers exploring, take a look, and figure out how the person is laid out. Generall speaking, however, the clit is found under its hood, and below that is the urethra, and below that is the entrance to the vagina. Moments like these are when having a more standardized set of words that don’t sound like medical instruments would be nice. Regardless, the first piece of anatomy that I’ll be discussing playing with in more detail is the clit/dick/little guy named the clitoris in the above pic. I’m going to call it the clit for this post because it is just easier to type.

The clit is a fun little, or not so little, bundle of nerves. It extends back into one’s body actually, which is partly why pressing down on the mons can be so much fun for some people. Regardless, it is essentially a bundle of nerves, and a LOT of them. It is the highest concentration of nerves in the human body, of any sex or gender. That means it is very sensitive, especially on the head/tip of it. Some people don’t like direct stimulation there; it can be painful or overwhelming. A good thing to do instead is rub the clit through its hood. For instance, since it sticks out, you can actually rub it up and down or back and forth in between your fingers, essentially jacking it off (occasionally this is refered to as jilling off.) I’d recommend using lube for this, preferably non-glycerine lube, and definitely not oil based lube. Oil lube and cunts don’t well, and glycerine can increase the likelihood of yeast infections.

For more direct stimulation, a good method is place a finger direction over the head of the clit (you may need to gently pull back the hood a bit to get there) and rub back and forth gently, increasing pressure to the point where they enjoy themselves. Some people like a LOT of pressure, some hardly at all. Harder and softer do not mean slower or faster; those are two different scales! You can go hard and slow or fast and soft just as much as you could go hard and fast or slow and soft. Really. So, go off of the other person’s preference. Another really fun trick is to rub in a circle, this one is good for any pressure level but I’ve found works better when moving your fingers a bit faster.

Sorry, couldn’t resist. Anyways, another tip that I have is that remember the clit isn’t just the tip, nor the top. There is also an underside, closer to the urethra, and some people really like that part rubbed. Just sayin’.

Anyways, if your partner is so inclined as to enjoy penetration, remember what I said about gloves? It is all the more important here. Gloves protect the wearer, as hands frequently have cuts on them, and protect the other person from nails (or rough, calloused hands that some may not like.) Also, fun with medical roleplay is possible here, if that is your thing. Moreover, lube here can be very important. If the person is really wet, awesome. If not, it doesn’t necessarily mean they aren’t turned on, a lot of things can cause this: testosterone, allergy meds, birth control pill… Which is why it is a good idea to always have some cunt-friendly lube on hand.

Either way, slide in one finger at a time. A lot of people automatically go for their index finger, but I often find that using my middle finger works better, gives me a better angle and maneuverability. Don’t add more fingers unless you are pretty damn sure they can handle the extra girth, and dont’ add too quickly. Stretching a person out too fast can make them feel as if they had been scratched and can kill the mood real fast.

Feel around, find the spots that make the other person gasp and moan. Good spots include the g spot, a spot, and the cervix. Not everyone likes all or any of these stimulated, but for each one, here is some advice:

• G-spot: slide 1 or 2 fingers into the cunt and feel the side of the vagina closest to their stomach/mons pubis, not the side closer to their back/ass. There should be a spot not very far in, that has a different texture. That is the G Spot. Move your fingers along it in the “come hither” motion. There is a reason this is fairly well known, it works damn well.
• Another inch or two past the G spot is the A spot. This one is best detected by first finding the G spot, then sliding your finger(s) further inside the other person until their reactions tell you that you hit something good. Again, the come hither motion is good to apply here. Be warned, both the A spot and the G spot can cause that “need to pee” feeling. They can also cause female ejaculation.
• If you push your finger(s) in deeper, you will eventually feel the cervix, a harder ring of flesh deeper in the cunt. It feels very different than the rest. Some people really like pressure against it, some really do not. If your partner does like it, try spinning your finger around the circle with a decent amount of pressure. They will probably make delightful sounds as a result.

Maybe you slide a finger inside and they wanted more, so you slid in another. And a third. And suddenly you both realize, you want to try fisting. In that case, go see my first AwaA on fisting.

So, you’re fucking them and having a blast. And suddenly their clit… retracts? Now, this actually means they are around 30 seconds to a minute and a half ish away from getting off, so do not stop what you are doing. No really, keep going, they will thank you for it.

The biggest piece of advice I can give though, is listen to the other person. If you are the receiver, give feedback. If it is good, give signs like “mmmhm,” vigorous head nodding, to “OH FUCK YES!” are both nice indicators. If you want them to do something different, tell them. Show them. I find that one of the hottest things a partner can do is move my hand to guide me better, because its hot to know they trust me enough to let me know, its hot that they know what is better, and its especially hot knowing that they are going to really enjoy what is coming.

Any tips or suggestions you have? Please feel free to comment! If you have a question you want answered in AwaA, please either comment or feel free to shoot me an email. Also, the next two AwaA (barring unforseen circumstances) will be parts 2 and 3, involving using one’s mouth or using toys.

On Why I Currently Don’t Have A Safeword

The short reason is easy: I’ve been doing things where yes means yes, and no means no.

The longer version is a bit more complicated. First of all, I have not been playing with people besides S very much recently, which means I don’t need to think about as many interpretations of reactions and words. It is just us. I don’t need to shift my speech patterns because there is only one set of dynamics I am engaging, namely the set of dynamics between S and myself. We have not been playing with scenes where “no,” “stop,” “don’t,” or “Ow!” means anything besides no, stop, don’t, or ow that hurts (admittedly, ow does not necessarily mean no, stop, or don’t.) Thus, we don’t need a code.

We have briefly talked about what we’ll do when (not if) we start playing with scenes where “No, please don’t!” could mean “Holy shit, whatever you do, don’t stop!” In that case, we’re probably going to use the traffic light system. Rather than a single word for “halt this scene right now,” there is a bit more of a graduated system. Red means “halt this scene right now,” while yellow can have a few meanings, such as “no harder,” “I don’t want to stop but something isn’t working,” etc. Green, a fabulous part of this that doesn’t get used enough, means “Hell fucking yes,” or… just yes. It’s useful for checking in quickly, to make sure everyone involved is still in a good place for the scene.

But I haven’t actually set out a safeword with someone since high school, because that was the last time that no might not mean no. Not everyone needs a safeword. Not every situation needs a safeword, but if you are going to have one listen to it. If you aren’t going to have one, then you need to listen to when the person says, “no.”

Maybe me saying this seems like common sense, but common sense isn’t so common.  Said relationship where we had established a safeword, neither the safeword nor the word “no” was ever respected. On the rare occasions I was brave enough to attempt to turn the person down, and held my ground with it, I was guilt tripped. When that didn’t work, the person turned to further emotional and psychological abuse. Not exactly a healthy relationship, I’m well aware. Consent is a major thing, not listening to a safeword, or the word “No” in non-safeword specific contexts, is an explicitly nonconsensual interaction. Moreover, unless there is pre-given explicit consent, then there is no reason to think the person has given consent. What I mean by that is either asking explicitly “Is this okay?” and not continuing until the person has said yes, nodded their head, or otherwise given a clear-cut answer, or preferably getting clear-cut consent before the action occurs.

I have generally found people in a BDSM/kink/fetish social context to be the best about general consent. They ask before touching me, and will even apologize for accidently bumping into me. They ask before rubbing my head. With a community so focused on maintaining things like “Risk Aware Consensual Kink” or “Safe, Sane, and Consensual,” the social interactions tend to be very good about consensual touch. Yes, I said tend, and specified social interactions. I haven’t played all that much outside relationships, and those few times I have it was almost never outside pre-established friendships, so it has come up less for me than for others.

And as I had previously mentioned: checking in is awesome too. Bottoms/subs/recievers/slaves/etc often don’t safeword. Maybe it’s out of pride, or eagerness to plese, but checking in really helps to keep things going right and keep them safe. Also, for the record, tops/doms/ommes/masters/etc. might well need to safeword. Needing to stop is not just for bottoms! (Also, for an extended version of these sorts of thoughts, go check out this.)

So no, I don’t have a safeword at the moment. I haven’t needed one for years. Not because I’m a bad kinkster, not because I don’t respect safewords, not because I’m not obsessive about consent, but because I have only been in situations where “no” means “no.” And know what? It’s been fucking hot.

Key Terms:
safeword- a word used in a situation in place of “no” to bring an immediate halt to the actions occurring.
playing- engaging in sexual, kinky, BDSM, and/or fetishized activities: I enjoy power play. I want to play with you.
scene- a specific period of time during which persons are playing: Our scene lasted two hours last night. (can also refer to the BDSM/kink/fetish community as a whole.)

Also, tomorrow’s AwaA will be answering one of those “awkward questions” that I have previously written about. As usual, if you have a question you would like answered, feel free to comment/email me and let me know!

Six Months on T

And what do I have to show for it?

My voice dropped into nice, low, masculine ranges. My neck sized increased, which greatly affected the shape of my face, even more than the more subtle changes on my face itself. My clit increased size, my sex drive shot up, shot up again, and then dropped a hair to a nice, steady place. I’m hungry all the time, but figuring out how to handle it, and making sure I eat at least mostly healthy food.

I’m in a surprisingly healthy relationship. Surprising because healthy relationships have been so rare for me, and it has been a really pleasant surprise. She sees me for who I am, not for my body, but also does an amazing job at being careful about what I want with my body, how I exist within my body… and how in many ways it isn’t mine.

My clothes don’t quite fit right anymore, I need to go shopping. In the last six months, I’ve moved, gotten a new job, met some amazing people, and found some awesome things. I lost friends, and found friends in places I had not even thought about.

I’ve been heartsick, and crushing. I’ve been freezing and melting into a pile of liquid xMech from the scorching heat.

I’ve stretched my comfort zone, gone to play parties and allowed penetrative sex. Hell, I’ve started asking for it more than ever. I’ve broken down mental barriers, and brought myself to the point where I can slap S… though still not on the face. I’ve marked her again and again, bites, bruises, hickies, handprints, and been marked in return. I’ve entered male bathrooms and confronted some of my ableist tendencies and language. I started relooking into religion, pushing myself past the “I don’t want to do this, I can’t examine this” and into books and articles on Judaism, Buddhism, Neo-Paganism and all kinds of alternative spiritualities. I’ve accepted that I can’t keep friends forever, and strove to rebuild my own mind.

But what do I have to show for it all?

No matter what I do, for me it will never be enough. Part of me loves that, loves that I always want more from myself, never to be static, always growing, looking for new connections to help me grow and change. I’m a person of becoming, not being, and I love it. But no matter how I contemplate Nietzsche, I am tired of never being enough for myself.

Years ago I realized I couldn’t keep a promise I made to myself, so instead I completely reoriented my life. I started to strive to become the person others saw me to be, to become the person my friends, family, lovers, and teachers saw in me, or at least saw that I could become. And it is never enough. Not because they tell me that, in fact they usually tell me the exact opposite, but I see how awesome they are, how much they deserve…

and after all these changes in the last six months, or six years… I still wonder what do I have to show for it?

A few whiskers and ill-fitting clothes just don’t quite seem to cut it. About only one thing does: I’m genuinely happy. And that is more than enough to show for anything. Just need to manage to get my mind around the concept.

Keeping it Light…

My mind shivered at the feel of the rope in my hands. Sliding it through to get the right length for tying her hands together; nothing elaborate I have to remind myself. My mind shivered, but I could not let her see, instead I smirked keeping control.

After over a week’s aftercare being done in one shot that same day, I agreed to play on one condition: we kept it light.

If you want me to dom, then submit. You have to be willing to give up that control… and as I moved her head, turning it however I would, I saw surrender in her eyes and I thought “I love her.” So, I leaned in and bit her hard, digging deep into her muscle, her traps, loving the feel of her between my teeth, of her tensing, then slowly relaxing into me, submitting. I pull back and look at the mark before slowly licking around those enticing indentations…

I had her pinned down, ropes laying across her chest held by my hands, enough pressure for her to know there was no point in fighting me. Black rope, blue sheets, white skin, light from the windows reflected into an ambient glow by the white walls, she glowed under the rope. I pulled back to watch, pinning her down with the rope pressed into her skin. Keep it light, just some rope, just some power, add a dash of teeth…

Curled around her after, aftercare was no issue this time. We had talked about the last two times, finally talked, and she was trusting me again. Wrapped around her, I let go. I let myself open up in return. It wasn’t make up sex from the night before, it wasn’t “just” anything, because no matter how “light” it seemed it reached both of us as we needed it too. I don’t know quite what opened up for me the last few times… but I want to keep finding out.