Changes and Pianos

I have whiskers, and it is strange. There aren’t a ton of them, as in I am not even close to getting a 5 o’clock shadow (or a two day shadow for that matter.) But they are definitely there, and definitely very dark. The ones that are there that is.

I was looking in the mirror, and thought something was on my chin. I tried rubbing it off, and it didn’t move. Looking closer, I realized, “Oh, it’s attached!”

My shoulders are broader. I noticed this past weekend while bound, and on my way to NYC for Pride weekend. A shirt that used to fit in that “really awesome but rather large on me” kind of way now fits in that “fits perfectly to my shoulders” sort of way.  I don’t quite know what I think of my clothes no longer fitting, but I am happy with the way my body is shifting. Like, I’m no longer in the position of having my pants barely fit, but that may be due to (possibly) eating less because my schedule has been rather bizarre recently. Either way, I’m looking different, and apparently am reading as a straight guy? Which confuses me, because I haven’t changed my mannerisms at all… and my wrist? Is limp like a wet noodle.

My voice has gotten really damn deep, though. As in, multiple friends have asked me to change my voicemail message because it is a bit jarring to hear my nice, high pitched old voice, after it has gotten so much lower. Q was particularly amusing about it, when we finally talked and had a break from phone tag. Other friends have flipped out for most of a night after hearing me say “Hi,” and I consistently get “Sir’ed” on the phone. Actually, I get sir all the time now, in person or on the phone. I pass…

And it’s weird for me. I actually reached something I set out to do, what?

There is so much more I want. Some of it is coming, at least, like my facial hair. I want more, and it slowly appears. I want top surgery, but that isn’t going to be until some undetermined time in the future. I want, I want, I want! And… I’m getting it. That is the constant strangeness with my life, I want, I do, and then I actually get it.

Years ago, in my slightly more innocent years of high school, I used to claim that if a person wanted something badly enough, they would get it. If they didn’t, it was because they didn’t try hard enough, didn’t work enough, etc. A major reason I thought this was because life sucked, and I was a huge underachiever, and it was a convenient way to blame myself. Except that I was harshly proven wrong, that everything a person works their ass off for does not happen. Life sucks, and no need to blame myself any extra, but it also took away my hope that things could change if I worked enough. That was the real thing that made me a bit more innocent back then, that I actually thought if I tried, things would change. Which is part of what makes this so confusing for me.

I’ve worked hard to get where I am, and things just keep falling into place as a result. Transition, apartment, friends, job, and my wonderful relationship with S didn’t just fall into my lap, but part of me is very confused…

And mostly waiting for the other shoe to drop. Or piano, because that would so be my life.

So, there is some transition update goodness. Tomorrow is Answers with an Agenda.

Gendering Spaces for Safety and Privilege

I don’t feel entirely comfortable in non-cismen spaces. I understand it, and have even organized similar spaces at various times. But a space that specifically states it is for lesbian, dyke, straight, bisexual, queer, and trans women… or rather, FtMs and other trans folk… such a space gives me a sense of discomfort. It isn’t that I don’t appreciate what is attempting to be done, and it is nice to have something to remind me that just because I’m no longer a part of the lesbian/dyke community doesn’t mean that community automatically hates me. I like queer women. I really like queer women. In fact, I am rarely attracted to straight women anywhere near as much as I am attracted to queer women. Actually, I’m more attracted to queers in general than to heterosexuals, especially cisgendered heterosexuals.

In college a friend and I discussed how “women’s only spaces” were morphing into “no cisgendered men” and that such a definition could next become “no heterosexual cismen” but really what all those are striving for isn’t exclusion, it is the comfort and safety of a space without male privilege.

All of that makes sense and isn’t something I necessarily disagree with, but walking into such a space after having been passing so well, walking into a space that means anyone who looks like me, sounds like me, and acts like me isn’t a butch but is trans… was incredibly disconcerting. I felt like there was a giant neon sign on my head saying “Look, here’s an FtM!” And the image of a giant neon sign saying that, made me smile. I want that kind of neon sign sometimes, preferably in a green or blue. Rainbow would work too…

But what bothers me about the space isn’t feeling like my identity is on display, that was a strange sense of relief. What bothers me is that there is a need for a space that specifies such restrictions.

It is needed because frequently safety means not having those who are so often a categorical threat to a group of people. So many friends of mine are not just skittish around frat brothers, but truly afraid of them unless there is a clear introduction and “these are safe people” moment. Or that certain groups of people tend to dominate spaces in such a way as to make it difficult for others to express themselves, speak up, or interact with people. For the opportunity to be safe, remove those that are the problem, separate them out.

But how is all of that really so different from the arguments for separate bathrooms based on sex? Men apparently cannot behave themselves enough to use the same restroom as women. Even worse, then people might decide to have consensual sex in the bathroom, oh no! As sarcastic as I am about that, there is a serious point some people make about the need for gendered spaces. How can people, usually women, be safe otherwise?

To me, that societal dialogue is part of the problem. Creepy ass people who would take advantage of a situation like that in a bathroom aren’t going to be stopped by the gendered bathrooms. Not to mention sexual assault can happen within a gay community, and gendered bathrooms contribute to the likelihood of gay-bashing for when people don’t match up to expected standards of “men” or “women,” which includes things like being a sweet little dyke who looks like Justin Bieber (Disclaimer- I had never heard of Bieber until I found that tumblr.) But there are some who vehemently oppose gender neutral bathrooms for the safety of either themselves, their families, or most often, their values and expected notions of what “should” be.

I’m not saying that queers spaces that limit the identities who attend are the same as gendering bathrooms. Bathrooms exist in response to the human necessity to shit and piss. Limited spaces, like the example from the beginning of this entry, are usually social, sexual, supportive, or other such spaces that are not “needed” but are for pleasure. Restricting access to a necessity is a much bigger problem than what the queer community is doing. Queers limit the attendance because of the safety risks of those same imposed limitations on bathrooms; the phobic, sexist, heteronormative, etc. views that make gendered bathrooms an unsafe space are what we don’t want around when limiting attendees’ identities.

Really, my point is two-fold. The first is that it is still policing. Limiting the attendance to certain identities is inherently policing. That isn’t bad in and of itself, just potentially dangerous. The second is that limiting identities doesn’t help the wider problem. It doesn’t alter the behaviors that create the safety problems. It doesn’t move to change the societal script that states certain groups of people are a problem, and that such people will cause safety or discomfort to other groups by their mere presence. These problems aren’t just gender, but race, religion, class, political affiliation, and any other identity category our minds/society has come up with. I mean, a specific Goth Night at a club falls into this as well. Except the difference between a Goth Night and something based around sexuality, gender (or conflating them,) race or other such identities is that Goth identification is a choice. And no matter what the religious right says, my “too-queer-to-be-gay” identity is not a choice, it’s who I am.

On the other hand, sometimes these requirements exist for a slightly different purpose- sexual spaces that limit the identities often do so to make sure that the people there are potentially interested in each other. But even then, what does it mean to limit a space for “gay men only,” are transfags included? Bi-guys? Pansexuals? Whatever the intent… it made for pensive thoughts this Pride weekend.

Since when has Quiet = Scary?

Apparently, I come off as scary.

Now, I’m not a big guy. At 5’8″ I’m on the shorter side of average, and I’m not ripped (though maybe if I actually started working out…) At the time, my hair wasn’t spike, I wasn’t wearing any particularly “strange” or fun clothing, hell, I wasn’t even wearing black. I was in a polo and jeans, and yet somehow I still came off as scary.

Why? Because I’m quiet.

I write a lot. Some of it ends up in this blog, some goes other places, but even when I’m not typing at a computer, or scribbling on whatever paper I find, I’m writing in my head. I compose letters to friends, write elaborate stories for myself, and these thoughts are put together in my head as if they were written. I compose sentences, work on poetry, and am so often engaging with, manipulating, and otherwise toying with language that I sometimes forget how little I actually say.

I’m a quiet person, and apparently this can be scary.

People don’t know what goes on in my head. Often, this is a good thing. I am constantly thinking a ton of different things at once, most of which are completely useless and boring. “That color of red would be better if the light was slightly more amber and less yellow,” “Sex?” “Oh look, a penny,” “Should I eat now, later, or both?” and so on. But I’m also thinking about how Edward Said is rolling over in his grave at a video on porn I saw yesterday, that implied all Africans (as in the continent) are savages, forced by their conditions to not use the higher functions of their brain. Actually, I was thinking about how I didn’t even need to have read a lot of post-colonial theory to be incredibly offended at that, but that Bhabha, Said, Spivak and Fanon all gave me so many more ways to dissect the offensiveness. (If you are interested, I’d highly recommend reading Spivak. She is very difficult, but reading her is like reading great poetry… and just as hard.)

A bit ago, when I was in DC with S and visiting with her family, me and her sister went out for frozen yogurt. After, S asked how it went, what we talked about. Except, we didn’t talk about all that much. We were both very quiet people, even with me pushing myself to talk more because I knew said sister was another quiet person. S had no clue how this kind of thing goes, because she has never been a quiet person.

I will sit around my room, quietly typing away, and not think to go downstairs to where people are being social. I’ve been described as enigmatic, mysterious, and a conundrum. I don’t see these things really.

I try not to take up space. Apparently, I succeeded but it made me scary. Before I presented as a guy I never heard that comment. Since, it has come up in a few ways, but nothing quite as explicit as this: someone being afraid of me because I don’t talk much, and so they don’t know what I am thinking. Does it have something to do with the fact I’m seen as a guy who isn’t taking up audible space? Because if the result of my attempts to not take space end up with me being scary, that isn’t a really viable solution.

People look at me differently now, treat me differently now. I am hyper aware of when I’m in a room full of women, that I am trans, that I have rejected that association, that I must be incredibly careful that my deep-voiced, newly-acquired male privilege does not alter the tone of the room. Because even though I don’t want that presence, until I really know another person, they tend to write it onto me.

It’s hard to attempt to use myself as a subversion, as transgression… because I’m always feeling like no matter what I do it is a lose-lose situation. I keep looking for the win. Maybe it’s inside that muffin. I guess I’ll have to eat it to find out.

Answers with an Agenda 6- Introducing BDSM

You’ve met someone. Or someone(s). Maybe you took things slow, maybe you dived right in, head first, but suddenly you realize there is a bit of a discrepancy. You have this whole background and interest in BDSM, and your new partner… has never engaged in such things before, either physically or mentally.

How do I get my partner interested in BDSM?

Some people like it, know they like it, and will be upfront about it. Some people are either embarrassed, or never thought about it before. And it is definitely possible for partners, with vastly different backgrounds, tastes, and experiences to find a happy common ground for them to play.

disclaimer I am not advocating lying, duplicity, or anything like that. I am giving suggestions for ways to ease a partner into BDSM, enabling them to think about it/engage in activities in a healthy manner rather than with fear or shame.

In various conversations, I’ve pointed out that there isn’t a clear line when people cross over into the realms of BDSM. When does running your nails down someone’s back, or biting their neck, cross into pain play? When does pinning someone down during sex become power play? How often do people buy their partners pink fuzzy handcuffs?

How much less scary is this ↑ as opposed to this ↓ ?

The line between so-called vanilla sex and BDSM is fuzzier than those handcuffs. And it is through that blurriness that it becomes much easier to introduce a person to things they might enjoy, like that flogger, without throwing them into the middle of a play party dungeon. Some people might be thrown in, and thrive. Many others would be scared off… potentially forever. And that is sad for them, sad for their partner, but also sad for us as a community for inadvertently creating someone who fears us.

Some partners have the kind of communication where one person can sit down and just say, “You know how I like when you suck and nibble on my neck? Would you be okay with biting down harder?” If you are in a place where you feel comfortable sitting down and talking to your partner… DO IT! I mean, ideally we should all be able to sit down and have frank conversations with a person we’re fucking, sucking, touching, etc. But not everyone is good at that kind of interaction (myself included.) The trick is letting it in slowly, as a part of informed consent. If they don’t know what they are, or are not, consenting to then it is much harder to have a frank discussion, because they do not have the very important “informed” part of the equation. That is why I think the slowly bringing it in before having the discussion is a really good way to go. It gives the other person more information to work with.

1. Before anything else, talk about hard boundaries and/or triggers: It is important to talk about stuff before you try easing into BDSM. Find out any major triggers or hard boundaries. If someone has a hard boundary or trigger that boils down to “don’t come anywhere near my ass,” spanking would probably be a truly terrible idea for easing someone into BDSM. The only way you will know that, is if you talk first. Know what else? These conversations are usually important for any relationship, no matter how kinky, vanilla, straight, queer, etc.
2. Start with what you know: If you have never used a cane before, this is not the time to start. Stick with your already present skills, because that should give you more control over what you are doing. But even more so, start with what you know about the other person. If they don’t like pain, don’t start digging your nails in deep… but maybe they enjoy using their nails on you. Encourage them to do it more, from giving non-explicit positive feedback (moans, gasps, back arching, etc.) to explicit feedback (harder, more, etc.) You don’t have to mention it as “I like pain play” or “I like pain,” try “I like how sharp your nails are.” More specific to the person, and less immediately scary language. Maybe you’ve pinned them down before, and they’ve liked it, but you want to see if you can get them to dom a bit more. One trick here is to flip them on top, and if their hands happen to be on your wrists at one point, put them over your head. Their hands will follow, and many people will start making the connection.
3. Listen to both yes and no: Not everything you try is going to work, some things you may try and just get no response to. Other things you will get an incredibly strong response, either positive or negative. None of these things are bad, as long as you listen. A very strong response, you may want to should check in with your partner about whether or not it was a good or bad thing. Even if the reason seemed bad, it could be about intensity or shock even if the action was good. Similarly, a very positive response could lead to at another time them saying “hey, on second thought, not that.” But if you get just one very loud scream, is that a good thing or a bad thing? Well, it depends. If they are screaming “YES, OH GOD!” my guess is that it is a good thing. But this is the important part- what makes so much of BDSM different from abuse is consent. Consent is hot, it is amazing, and it requires continual observation to make sure it stays consensual.
4. Go slow and be adaptable: Maybe you desperately want to do a role-play scene (as in, with 2+ adults’ informed consent) involving incest and rape. That is not something to dive right into, but maybe start off playing with reluctance. Find a way to take your kinks, fetishes, and interests and let

Getting someone started into BDSM and kink tends to be a long process. Not because it necessarily takes a long time for a person to be okay with (and very into) tying up, slapping, humiliation, pet play, orgasm control, hypnosis, flogging, or any number of other things, but because once someone starts going down that path, they often find more things they are interested in.

Once upon a time, I had zero interest in anyone so much as touching my ass. It was not just a hard boundary, but a massive trigger. Years later, I’m pressed against a bathroom wall at some club with a dick slowly pushing its way in (in fairness, it did have a person associated with it.) Six years ago, someone doing that would have sent me into a massive, multiple month long hell hole. That change came about with a lot of patience on my end, and slowly adapting to the styles and presence of various partners over the years.

So, if it doesn’t happen immediately, don’t be surprised. If they end up not interested in it, that happens to. On the other hand, you may create a BDSM-obsessed kinkster… but its worth finding out! Be ready to accept whatever their response.

On Facial Hair: Incoming… ish.

I’m at the point where I actually do need to shave every week. Not that I have enough facial hair to grow anything worthwhile, not even to get the “scruffy” kind of look. But if I don’t shave every week, I have those awkward hairs sticking out, just enough to be able to say to myself “Look how much more I have!” but not enough to actually grow anything like sideburns or a mustache.

I want sideburns. Not giant Elvis style mutton-chop sideburns, but some small sideburns that drop down and help masculinize my face. Slash, it would make it a lot easier to square them off if my hairline didn’t end at the top of my ears. I feel like it looks weird on me. I want sideburns already dammit!

Not my style of sideburns...

But unlike my brother, that isn’t where my facial hair is coming in the quickest. Rather, the fastest coming in is my (hopefully to be) mustache. I can’t really complain. I want the ability to grow a nice, carefully groomed, ‘stache. Ideally, it won’t be a creepy one, but the sibling rivalry side of me really wants to have a mustache, as my oldest brother can only now just barely grow one. One up him on something, as he is much taller, stronger, bigger, and has less hair. I defiantly beat him on the hair on top of my head bit…

Everywhere else, my hair is coming in thicker, and darker. My legs are the most noticeable, there is a lot more, and a lot thicker. Staring at my ass every week for my injection, I notice the increase there as well. Even on my chest, there is more fuzz, though it is all still blonde (in rather stark contrast to my very dark hair.) But my face? I feel like it’s the turtle in the race against the rabbit, but I have yet to find out if there is going to be any winning with it.

Because regardless, I want more, because I’m at the point where I do need to think about shaving regularly. And if I have to be shaving, I want it to at least be worth it.

Review: Ophria’s Bliss No 3

Welcome to my first sex toy review for Fascinations!

The toy I’m reviewing is the Bliss No 3 vibrator. In the past, I have played with bullets and the hitachi, but nothing in between, so I was really excited. When it arrived, I was surprised at how small it was. On the upside… it is small enough to fit in my jeans for unnoticed fun.

First of all, it is 100% silicone (yay safety!) with interchangeable tops, and not made for penetration. It came in basic plastic packaging, and does not come with the needed two AAA batteries.

There are three interchangeable tops, and they are very easy to slide off and on the vibrator, and still don’t accidently slide off during use. That was my major worry, that they would either be incredibly difficult to get on and off, or they would fall off randomly. Instead, they are three distinct ways of transmitting the vibrations to one’s body. I’ll call them the basic, the bulb and the clit (in the picture, that would be from left to right.) The basic was my favorite. I like a lot of pressure, not just vibration, so this one was my favorite, giving me the ability to press hard into myself. The bulb I could still use pressure with, but not quite as much as the silicone is soft and flexible (a plus in my book.)  The clit gives really specifically pinpointed stimulation, which is fun, but there is just no way to get the pressure I want with it. Needless to say, my favorite is the basic one, then the bulb, then the clit. (I’ve been giggling at the label of “clit” this entire time. ^_^)

Unfortunately, I found the handle to be a little too short for my hands. I could grip it just fine and maintain a good grip, but the end of my hand would hang over the end. This wouldn’t be a problem except that the power button is also the button that changes between vibration settings, and mine is very sensitive.

So, as interesting as the other vibration modes are, I like just a basic solid pulse to press against me. And actually, the Bliss does a fabulous job for what I wanted most: a basic, good, silicone vibrator that isn’t as strong as the hitachi. It’s powerful, but not that powerful, and that difference is excellent. It’s good, and I think best using it on its basic settings. Which head, well that is pure preference.

I’d like it better though, if it had the potential to be stronger, or penetrative. Or both. Also, if the button was less sensitive, it’d be better because then I wouldn’t accidently click it when I’ve almost gotten off.

It is defiantly a keeper though, especially for travel times when a small, decently powerful vibrator is needed. ^_^

Answers with an Agenda 5- Minimizing Feet In Mouth

Language is very difficult for people. It is full of misunderstandings, innuendos, and intonations. Every statement has multiple interpretations, which makes communication difficult, especially when a person is treading in the waters of not knowing what may offend someone. This entry is sparked both my discussions from last weekend’s KinkForAll DC 2, but also from a friend’s response to a previous entry which reminded me of how little people realize. So… this week’s Answers with an Agenda is not about sex, at least directly. It’s about interacting with someone who is trans.

How do I ask this transperson this question?

http://www.despair.com/cluelessness.html/

Trans people get asked a number of incredibly awkward questions. Sometimes, it is an  appropriate situation, but the wrong question. In my experience, and from what I’ve heard from friends, it is usually both a highly inappropriate question as well as a highly inappropriate situation. So, in the interest of hopefully keeping some people from going nuclear on some unsuspecting person, here are some guidelines.

First of all, if you have questions about a transperson’s gender, sex, body, identity, expression, surgeries, etc. I would recommend NOT asking that person unless they have specifically invited questions for the purposes of helping educate others, such as myself or DDog.

One question I’ve mentioned previously that people don’t necessarily realize is inappropriate/can be really offensive is asking someone’s birth name. If you find out someone is trans, and was given a different name at birth, don’t ask them what that was. It is both very rude, and actually is pretty offensive. It is not the same as if someone just changed their name from their birth name, there are a lot of additionally implications. Maybe some trans individuals don’t feel that way, but trust me when I say that I do, as do many others who I have talked to.

A series of questions that are not appropriate to ask random people:

• So, who do you sleep with?
• What do you call your “parts”?
• Do you fuck like a guy or a girl?
• Are you gay?
• What pronoun do you prefer?

None of these questions are relevant unless the asking person is on a short list of people the person being asked is intimate with in some manner. Finding out of someone would be interested in you is perfectly legitimate, but rather than asking something like “Are you interested in me?” Because, no matter how sexy, smart, charismatic, of the prefered gender(s) you are, that does not mean people will be falling at your feet to fuck you.

If you aren’t trying to sleep with the person, none of these questions should ever be asked. Actually, unless you are very good friends with a person, asking things like “How’s the testosterone effecting you?” is often really inappropriate. Do you really go up to 13 year olds and say “How’s puberty?” On the other hand, comments like “Your voice is deeper” is fine. Comments like “Where’d your boobs go?” or “Damn, you grew a nice set of tits” are not fine. I wouldn’t fault someone for slapping you for that, but more likely you will make the person incredibly uncomfortable.

Even if you are curled up with a wonderfully hot transperson, and there is no question where it is going, those questions aren’t actually the best ones to ask. In the end, don’t ask a trans person anything you wouldn’t ask any other person you would take to bed.

A series of good questions to ask:

• Is there anything I should know?
• Are there any hard boundaries you don’t want me to cross?
• Is there any language you prefer for me to use?
• Is there something you particularly like/dislike?
• What do you want to do with me?

Notice, none of these are actually body or gender specific. Rather, they are important questions generally when hooking up with someone, especially for the first time. They give a person the opportunity to answer as they feel comfortable.

Maybe one person gets off on being called a slut, but cannot stand the phrase “blowjob.” Thus, the language question is really useful beyond just asking what to call various parts of a transperson’s body. Like me? I call my own parts clit and cunt. I’m fine with this language. If you call it a pussy however, I may well slap you. Some transguys call their own parts things like front hole and dick, and if I’m strapping it on it is my cock. Not the dildo, it is my cock. There are times in bed when I don’t really want to be called by my name. I’d rather be called “Creature,” mostly because I don’t yet have a name for him, and I haven’t been able to figure out what animal specifically he is (other than that he is creature like.) We all have different words that turn us on… or off. So, why limit these questions to specifically for transpeople in a way that will probably offend someone?

But as I mentioned in my last entry, don’t ask if you aren’t going to listen and follow the response. No matter how silly you may feel saying “I want to suck your cock” when referring to a transman’s biologically attached dick, if that is what he wants, trust me when I say you will enjoy the response.

Not everyone has the right to ask these questions, and trust me when I say asking them at the wrong time can get you in serious trouble with the person. Maybe you’re trying to hit on them, and so genuinely want to know. Well, a lot of people don’t appreciate being asked by random strangers/semi-acquaintances in a public place, like a bar, about what they prefer to do in bed. On the other hand, some people might get off on that discussion happening in the middle of the local coffee shop. Adjust your questions as needed, but be aware that the person may well say anything from “I’m not comfortable answering,” to “I don’t know,” to an incredibly long and detailed response. But hopefully, this will help prevent a giant “Fuck you, asshole” or a long diatribe about how what you did was inappropriate.

There isn’t some rulebook on what to say or not to say to a person who is trans. Then again, there isn’t a rulebook on how to talk to most people. A lot of it boils down to judgement, but hopefully this gives you some better judgement.

EDIT: As Jhiera asked in a comment, why/when is it not okay to ask someone’s pronoun? Here is the thing, do you go up and ask everyone this? If so, then sure, go ahead. But there is a lot of problems with the “need” to ask certain individuals simply because they do not conform to previously understood gender norms. Yes, it is better to ask than to continually fuck up. But do so as an aside and not in the middle of a crowd. One, it puts the person much less on the spot. Two, it also will keep you from seeming like an idiot in case you should “already know” what pronoun they prefer. Rather than specifying pronouns, you could also ask anyone “How do you prefer to be addressed?” because this covers things like Mrs. versus Ms. versus Miss versus Mr, or Sir or Madame, boy, etc. as well as just pronouns.

Political Cuddling: Asking, Talking, Touching

So, first an apology. This week (and a half) was crazy, having been in 11 states plus DC since last Tuesday. On top of it, Saturday was KinkForAll in DC, which was fabulous, hectic, but I met a lot of great people. Needless to say, Answers with an Agenda did not happen on Thursday. It’ll be back next week.

Since coming out as trans, and especially since transitioning, I have dramatically increased the amount of which I touch and cuddle with other people. Some of this has nothing to do with my transition, but when is it okay to or not to touch another person?

People need to listen to each other more. We talk and talk, but so often people say many things without ever listening to what other people say. Actually, a lot of people don’t really listen to what they say themselves, but that is a slightly different issue. I’m a big proponent of consent, like it is not okay just to walk up to some random person and start groping them. This includes for people with buzz cuts, things like asking them if it is okay to rub their head. Some people will really appreciate this, and curl into the person petting them. I am often this way. But I’m that way for my friends, for lovers… not for everyone.

People would have to ask. Those who have known me long enough are surprised that the answer is ever yes, because I used to get anxiety attacks from people touching my head/hair/hat.

Before I came out, before I began to transition, people were a lot more hesitant about asking and being willing to cuddle. They would ask, and I would ask, and it would happen far less than I would like. Both the cuddling and asking, I mean.

More than that, a lot of the nature of how I cuddle with my friends has changed, but mostly with my cisgender, straight(ish), female friends. Before I was out, I was seen as a gay girl, since I’ve come out I’ve been seen as a straight guy. Without either being true, both have really effected the way a lot of people interact with me, including cuddling. Now, said friends assume it to be a lot more okay to cuddle with me, they ask less, and assume more often that non-sexual touch is okay. When I have a haircut where some or all of it is buzzed, they rub my head. Which is fascinating, because before I had a haircut that gave me a fuzzy head, I would get anxiety attacks. As in, part of the reason I buzzed the sides of my hair into a mohawk was because I wanted to get over flipping out whenever people touched my head, because they did it without permission far too often.

I had to learn to accept it, because so many people did not ask. I didn’t really put it together until a presenter mentioned it at the Flea in February, but there is an underlying assumption in our society that men always crave touch and it is always okay for women to touch them. I’m a cuddly person. I am someone who prefers to stand against the stereotype that physical contact for more masculine people requires combativeness, like sports or rough housing.

Somehow, being cuddly translated to always wanting touch. That’s not accurate. Actually, there are plenty of times I cannot handle any human contact.

Sometimes, I overheat. I will be lying down, and the heat from S’s hand is too much for me, and I have to tell her to back off. From just her hand. It wasn’t a hot night, and we were in air conditioning, but it happens. Sometimes being touched can flip me out, disrupting my ability to think because I’m so aware of someone else in my personal space. I’m not actually a people person. My response to severe stressors is to go find a nice, quiet, dark room by myself and lie down. It isn’t to go find someone to curl into.

Some friends of mine learned always to ask, and have done a great job of it. In some cases, they did a much better job than I did for far too long of respecting their own physical boundaries, but I like to think I’ve continually gotten better.

People need to listen more. People need to accept that men are not always desperate for a woman’s touch. People also need to accept that men can cuddle, that masculine people not only can cuddle, but might well want to. Or feminine people. Or that touch can be okay, can be not creepy, but touch requires consent.

Maybe that got a bit soap-boxy, but I can’t get a lot of it out of my mind. Friends who walk into a room, and just inform me that they are going to cuddle with me on the couch. People who walk up and start rubbing my head without asking. That isn’t always okay.

And then someone does something fabulous. Like simply asking before touching, and listening to my response. That is something that is so often missed from conversations. There are questions that are really great to ask, especially when hooking up, but it doesn’t matter if you ask them if you aren’t going to listen to the answer. Sure, it seems obvious. But I’d rather not be asked at all if the person is just going to ignore the answer.

Despite my tendency towards delightfully long blog entries, I am a really quiet person (to certain people’s occasional dismay.) A large part of the reason is that I try to be listening a lot more than talking. Now, I need to do a lot more of the talking thing, because I have managed to be so internalized that I have let relationships falter due to my lack of expression. People aren’t mind readers. So, if I dont’ tell them, why the hell should I expect them to know? And at that point, if shit goes down, if I lose someone I really care about, it is my own damn fault. Ah well, musing for another time.

Anyways, Answers with an Agenda will be posted Thursday. Also, in the next few days, my first sex toy review will be up. Hopefully in the next week or so my life will calm back down, I won’t be driving all over the place, and I’ll be able to have a much more consistent schedule for things like updating.

e[lust] #15

Photo courtesy of Sexy Tiger X

Welcome to e[lust] - Your source for sexual intelligence and inspirations of lust from the smartest & sexiest bloggers! Whether you’re looking for hot steamy smut, thought-provoking opinions or expert information, you’re going to find it here. Want to be included in e[lust] #16? Start with the rules, check out the schedule in the site’s sidebar and subscribe to the RSS feed for updates!

~ This Week’s Top Three Posts ~

Evolution – Open Marriage, Swinging, & Polyamory – Do we REALLY believe that there is one love for us? Do we really believe there’s one cock or pussy to fuck for the rest of our life?

Sweet To Taste – “I’m dinner tonight,” she breathes. “So don’t let me get cold before you start feasting.”

Having a boyfriend makes me feel fat - I know my worth as a person isn’t devalued by my weight – but I can’t get past the notion that my worth as a partner is.

~ e[lust] Editress ~

Fucked by a Stranger – For as long as I can remember, I’ve had this bizarre, twisted fantasy. The roads leading to it were different, but the end result the same: a stranger fucking a very willing me in my bed in the dead of night.

~ Featured Post (Lilly’s Pick) ~

At Her Mercy – “You have been such a good boy today. Where do you want me to put your cock next?” she said with a wink.

See also: Pleasurists #78 and #79 for all your sex toy review needs.

All blogs that have a submission in this edition must re-post this digest from tip-to-toe on their blogs within 7 days. Re-posting the photo is optional and the use of the “read more…” tag is allowable after this point. Thank you, and enjoy!

Erotic Writing

A Taste of Honey
A Collaborative Fantasy
Dirty in all the Right Places
Fuck my face
I miss your cock
I Didn’t Think I Was Ready…
In a nightclub
Just can’t get enough
Let’s Not Waste That Morning Wood
Morning Lust
Nothing Personal, prologue, part one
Possess Me
Stowaway Dildo. Confession #477
The Black Sheets
The Sitter
Waking Up

Sex News, Interviews, Politics & Humor

EdenFantasys: A pattern of deception
HIV, Lube Quality, and Anal Sex: Scare Tactics at the LA Times
I Bet Nick Cage Won’t Eat A Preying Mantis
Interview with Scott Owens of EroticBPM
Reaching a Goal

Kink & Fetish

Another Night of Debauchery
Batteries with a Hook
Chastity and the ensuing Punishment
Differences in Submission
I can feel him punch-fucking me
Patient Griselda
Please hurt me
Please, Sir
Remembrances
Story: The Price (FM/M)
Summoned
The Submissive & My Paddle
Visceral and cerebral
Whippings at the Royal Palace

Thoughts & Advice on Sex & Relationships

Answers with an Agenda 3- Dental Dams
Acceptance
Getting Started – Their Profile
How Swinging Gave Me Confidence
My View on Monogamy
Roxy’s April Visit: Collaring My girl, the Ceremony
Sometimes Simplicity
The Sad Seal Lady & Other Precautionary Tales
The 4 of Swords

Anyone Want A Woodgasm?

Recently, S got me a beautiful wooden handle flogger made by NobEssence. It is a gorgeous handle, with beautiful curves, and delightful leather tails that I may be cutting to angle, but I have not yet decided.

When we did our road trip hitting a bunch of midwest sex positive stores, I first fell in deep lust with wooden toys, specifically wooden floggers.

Now, Hey Epiphora is holding a giveaway for any NobEssence toy sold by SheVibes. That would be any toy of your choice. Go check out all those delightful wooden toys, because they are really fabulous. Hand sculpted, well sealed, and each one is not quite the same, they are all unique.

But what makes this giveaway something I am willing to blog about? The addition of her call for two twitter parties.

The most exciting way to enter this giveaway will be to attend one or both of the two Twitter parties I’ll be holding. YEAH, I’M GOING THERE. Com’n, it’ll be fun! We’ll use the hashtag #woodgasm, chat about sex toys, and each participant will earn an entry into the giveaway just for participating. I’ll also be asking trivia questions, and party-goers who are quickest to correctly answer these questions will get extra entries.

Personally, I think this sounds like a blast. Trivia questions on NobEssence and dildos? Right up my alley. Regardless, I may not be able to make the first one, so I wanted to make sure to announce to my delightful readers (however large or small a following it may be) and let you all know about these fun things.

• Party #1- Saturday, June 12th, 2010, 3 p.m. — 4 p.m. PST.
• Party #2- Wednesday, June 16th, 2010, 6 p.m. — 7 p.m. PST.

Go check out the giveaway, and partake in the twitter parties! If I’m lucky, I’ll see some of you there. Oh, and remember, the deadline for this competition is

June 20th, 2010 at 11:59 p.m. PST.