My Not So Secret Guilty Pleasure

One of my biggest guilty pleasures is, and has been for years, Sex and the City. Now, I haven’t seen the second movie, but knowing myself I will like it no matter how terrible it might be. The first movie was just on T.V., and as I watched it I found it as nostalgic as I expected, but what I did not expect was some of the new emotions, the new associations.

My best friend since 8^th grade, Q, is getting married in September. We were sitting down on her bed (well, her and her fiance’s bed) and just talking about how weird everything is, the two weirdest being she’s getting married and I’m in a healthy relationship. After everything else, that still hit the biggest. Not even things like me being trans or her discovering she was allergic to bees. Why is it that graduating from college, being in fields we are interested in, and either having moved or are moving away from our hometown come in second to what is going on with our love/sexual lives?

Either that is one of the best things about this, or the worst. I’m not quite sure how I feel about all of it.

Coming up soon- an entry on my daily life in transition (as requested,) and the next Answers with an Agenda. :D

Polyamoury Evolution

I have not always identified as polyamorous. Years ago in high school, I was one of those “serial monogamist,” and was I full of fail. It wasn’t that I was “really poly” or “really monogamous,” I was simply really immature. I didn’t know what the hell I wanted, or who, most of the time. Not knowing any better, I jumped from person to person while never quite being content with what was going on, and not respecting myself or my choices. Monogamy is thoroughly ingrained in our culture, and it was definitely ingrained into me.

The last really succesful monogamous relationship I had was with C. And even then, we weren’t a traditionally monogamous couple. Drunken make-outs were perfectly acceptable for most of our relationship. But the real reason why I say C was the last successfully monogamous relationship I had, was because she was the last person who I honestly wanted that kind of relationship with. As wonderful as the people with whom my two attempts at monogamy since C are, it wasn’t what I wanted, and so… things ended.

What people don’t always realize about me as a poly person is that it is something that evolved, and I’ve definitely been the person who has not wanted the openness of polyamoury. For a time, C and I had an open relationship. Except, that time I was on the other side of the coin. I offered the open relationship because at the time it was the only way I saw to keep the girl I loved with me in any way. I spent a lot of those nights being unable to handle what was going on, crying myself to sleep, hating myself for not being “enough,” and at times actually coming down sick as a result. I was in a position of not wanting the open relationship I was in, compromising because I would rather have that, than nothing at all.

At the time, I believed what I had been told. I thought monogamy was “more” than an open relationship or a poly relationship. I thought it was more intimate, more trusting, more… everything. I thought that my non-monogamous inclinations were failings. And it was all my fault.

Since C, I’d come to terms a good deal with myself. Hell at one point I turned to a friend and said, “After [current girlfriend,] I’m not going to jump into another monogamous relationship.” Well, me and that girl ended. Within a few days, I was dating someone else, having fallen right back into a monogamous relationship that ended up falling apart. It wasn’t just because of issues of openness or poly, but trust did have something to do with it. I wasn’t quite being honest with myself, so the next time I got in a relationship I made sure to sit down with her and make sure it was clear that I didn’t want monogamy. Which was fine with her, at the time… A little bit later though? She revisited the subject with me, asking about it and at first it was alright that we weren’t traditionally monogamous. We weren’t poly, but I was willing to compromise. I was open, I was talking… This would work. Until I actually acted upon the openness, and what had been okay in theory, struck a not so great chord in practice. And so we talked about it, and talked about it.

I’ve had people in poly relationships cheat. People ask, “How do you cheat in that kind of relationship?” I mean, I could’ve been dating multiple people, not just sleeping but actually in a serious relationship with multiple people, and it went the same for the other person. What is cheating? Breaking the agreement, the trust, that the other person would tell me what was going on. Or further, telling me the exact opposite of what was happening. Lying is not good in any relationship. But it spells death much faster in a poly one I’ve discovered.

With S, I’m in a different boat. The relationship began with me being brutally honest about the fact I’m poly… and the reason why. At the time especially, I was frank about still being entangled with C, and that the only solid thing I can say about C is that we are definitely not in a relationship. (That is usually the only definite thing I can say about C.) S though heard everything I had to say, and still decided to enter into the relationship, which is doubly surprising when I consider how terribly I put much of those statements. I did not say it well, and only fed a lot of her insecurities. But here I am, happily dating S, and for the first time in years I’m confronting things like jealousy and insecurities of my own. And despite that, I am really happy about things with S. We have a lot of the key things needed with poly relationships, namely trust and a startling ability to communicate. We aren’t ace at talking to each other, but when something needs to be talked about it comes up and we talk about it. After everything before, it is an amazing dynamic.

I don’t see the fact that there have been times when I have wanted a monogamous relationship as necessarily me being deluded into wanting what society ingrained into my head. Sometimes, yes that has been that. Like when I jumped back and forth between two girls during my junior year of high school. Nor do I think that I am “really” poly, and will always be poly. Things change, people change, but here and now, I’m happy with my life.

Even still, there are two books on my “to read” list… The Ethical Slut and Opening Up.

Actually, Tristan’s is on my “to buy” list. But hey, that’s life. Btw- anyone heard of any other simiarly good books? I’m always looking for reccomendations.

Desire, dream, ache…

Hunger… craving. Things that are strangely new, no matter how long it has been. I was always that bottomless pit for food, eating everyone else’s lunch leftovers throughout high school. Or last summer, when I could eat a 3 egg feta, spinach and tomato omelette, home fries and two pieces of toast and still be hungry. Despite all that, this incessant hunger is unfamiliar; this new hunger that comes with the testosterone is always lurking off to the side of my mind, persistent, incessant, explicit. If it never changed, I could forget and adjust to the feeling, but there is always a newness to it. It alters, hunger for protein, hunger for cream, always a new hunger, and each alteration reminds me again of its presence.

The craving also should not be this new. S and I have dated for a few months, we hooked up for a bit before that, and she is not the first I’ve dated, nor the first I’ve loved. Yet, so quickly I truly craved her touch. Her skin entices me, draws me, and when it is out of reach I crave her. It is not desire, nor hunger, it is both and neither. I crave her, the presence, the physicality. As great as sex with her, as great as playing with her, as great as those both are, it is simple touch and skin that I crave. Her touch, her response to my touch. I remember when I first noticed, first really thought about how much I craved her. The words were rolled across my tongue, from throat to teeth, testing my confidence in saying them. They never made it past my teeth, never were thrown out into the air, it was too early, too soon. We were so new, and I was scared of scaring her, so I didn’t enunciate quite beyond “I want you.” It is beyond wanting S, I crave her.

She is inextricably tied in with my transition. She entered my life so similarly timed with the first time that needle entered my body. Every injection brings more changes, some quick, some slow. She has drawn me out, gotten more of my fears, thoughts, hopes, and past than I could have expected. My body changes, our relationship changes, and each is a consistent form of discovery for me.

My craving for S, incessant as it is, lives next to the ever-present hunger. They live, side by side, shifting forward or back in my mind from moment to moment. Yet both are so very there, and no matter how deeply felt they are never quite familiar. How I crave shifts, how I hunger alters, and from each moment to the next, they are new. They circle each other, shifting, blending, altering, mixing, and the result is an intertwined craving/hunger, stronger than either and undeniably present. Sometimes, it untangles, fashioning new ways to crave S, finding new things to hunger, and throughout it all, there is no familiarity, craving/hunger… hunger/craving. I crave her, I miss her…

(Yeah, this is apparently what happens when I visit my family and am halfway across the country from S.)

Answers with an Agenda 3- Dental Dams

For this week’s AwaA, something a little different… Sparked by a conversation with my mother, I realized that this is a question that I have been asked, but actually wish people would ask it a lot more. Okay, so maybe it is two questions.

How do you use a dental dam? What do you do if you don’t have a dental dam around?

Some of the most frustratingly unpleasant and incurable STIs are capable of being transmitted through oral sex, even without symptoms. At least there is now a vaccine for HPV, but herpes remains a very present unpleasantness. (For the record, oral and genital herpes are separate viruses, and a person can get both or either on their genitals AND mouth.)

This is not just about safe sex, this is about fun and pleasurable safe sex. Dental dams are useful on not just cunts, but assholes as well. So, if you are into licking a person’s cunt, or their asshole, knowing about dental dams is important.

First of all, if you don’t have a dental dam around, there are some quick and easy ways to create one. The first is non-microwaveable cling (aka Saran) wrap. Non-microwavable is actually important, as the kind you can use in the microwave has microscopic holes, which means STIs can get through the barrier. Just rip a strip of it off, and you are good to go. Another easy solution is to cut up a condom. First, cut off the tip, then cut it in half (the long ways). If you have gloves around, there are a few ways to cut them up to make them into a dam. One is to cut off the three middle fingers, and then when you use it you can stick your thumbs into the glove for a nice hold. Another is to cut off the four fingers, leaving the thumb, and then cut up the pinky side. This has the advantage of the thumb can be used to stick your tongue through.

Now that you have your dental dam, be it bought or made, it is time to use it!

• Use a new dam each time.
• Do not flip the dam over partway through, that defeats the purpose of using one at all.
• Similarly, don’t share dams. (aka if person A is going down on person B and C, person A should not use the same dam on B and C.)

Spread the dam over the part of the body you are going to be licking. Make sure to hold both sides of the dam the entire time. A really good thing to do is to put some lube on the dam (not the side you’re licking…) to increase the sensation. For me, a large part of the fun of having someone go down on me is the wetness, lubricant is good for that. Be careful that you use lubes that are safe with the material of the dam you are using, which is the same as for lube/condom compatibility. No oil lubes, keep silicone lube away from silicone dams, etc. Also, if you are use a dam on someone with a cunt who is prone to yeast infections, be careful not to use lube with glycerine.

If you aren’t fond of the taste of the material, there are either flavored lubes (be careful because many of these have glycerine) and there are actually flavored dental dams. As a side note, mint flavored dams can function as a breath mint in case you happen to have a dam and no mints or gum. Also, if you made the dam from a condom, if it was prelubricated then you also have the taste of that lube to consider.

The basic idea is just the simple “put over body, go to town.”  But the dam, like any barrier, changes sensations. Even with lube, it won’t feel the same, so you may need to adjust your technique. This also means that the person receiving should GIVE FEEDBACK. Now, maybe this is just me, but if you tell me what is and is not working, I find it a lot easier to give more pleasure, and it is really damn hot.

Also, there are apparently dental dam harnesses you can buy or make…

Now, I’ve never used one of those, but hey, it could be fun! Another important thing to consider is if you are using both oral and penetrative methods, make sure you don’t ruin your carefulness with oral sex by not wearing gloves on your hands, or a condom.

So, the next time you decide to go down on someone, or have someone go down on you, consider both your own health and theirs. You can pass stuff without knowing you even have it. Also, if you’re rimming someone, it is can be really easy to catch all kinds of things. Dental dams can be a lot of fun, if you have some practice, and figure out what kind you and your partner like best.

As usual, any feedback is welcome!

EDIT- Turns out, with saren wrap it doesn’t matter if it is the microwaveable kind or not. The difference is that pores open up in the microwaveable type, which would be an issue, except our bodies don’t get up to such high temperatures. So yeah, knock yourselves out!

e[lust] #14

photo courtesy of Lila

Welcome to e[lust] - Your source for sexual intelligence and inspirations of lust from the smartest & sexiest bloggers! Whether you’re looking for hot steamy smut, thought-provoking opinions or expert information, you’re going to find it here. Want to be included in e[lust] #14? Start with the rules, check out the schedule in the site’s sidebar and subscribe to the RSS feed for updates!

~ This Week’s Top Three Posts ~

Answers with an Agenda 1- Fisting – Once you’ve gotten started using two fingers for a bit, then it is time to build until four fingers are sliding in and out of the person, and you are on your way.

Gagged – I think it’s got to be a combination… fingers sliding into your cunt, a merciless tease of your clit, and yes, it’s going to have to be, lining my cock up with your ass.

Mine – I feel you stir beneath me as I create a rhythm, your breathing changing growing more shallow as you slip from sleep into arousal. My eyes lift to yours as you smile and try to move your arms and then freeze.

~ e[lust] Editress ~

Puppet Master – When I was right next to them and they still did not notice, I put my lips to his ear (loud music, you know) and whispered “Touch her boobs, I bet she’d like that” and I backed up a foot.

~ Featured Post (Lilly’s Pick) ~

Shaping Some Limits - “If you ever did that to me, I promise you would never see me again”.Those words were spoken to me this past weekend by my pet during one of our overnight dates. The subject was face slapping.

See also: Pleasurists #77 for all your sex toy review needs.

All blogs that have a submission in this edition must re-post this digest from tip-to-toe on their blogs within 7 days. Re-posting the photo is optional and the use of the “read more…” tag is allowable after this point. Thank you, and enjoy!

Kink & Fetish

12 Licks of the Tawse
A Canvas for Pain
Best Friends
Fetish: What’s Yours?
Needles and Cock Choking
One Couple’s Journey into Kink, part 2
Pieces of Skin and Bone
Please hurt me unbearably, you fucking fucker!
Ssssh…
The Taskmaster’s Whip

Thoughts & Advice on Sex & Relationships

A (Short) Ode to Uncut Cocks
Compersive Vanillas?
How Fear can Lead to Understanding and Trust
I am not a rapist…
Mother’s Day Gift
On threesomes
On Friendship
Playing Nice On The Swingset
Tyler and Holly Give Swing Clubs Another Chance
The Virgin in the Family/Do Not Enter
third person
Whacking For America

Erotic Writing

26 minutes
A Request For Help
Are you willing, Are You?
A Squirting Experience
All Dressed Up – The Party ….part 2
Beginning
Book Orgasm
Dhanurasana
Flesh for Fantasy
Filled
Getting Lost in the Forest
Guest Post: Truck
Go Habs Go Domme Style
hotel window
How Do I Find You Sexy?
I’ll Be Waiting
Jim and Lisa
Keeping It In The Family
Mind the Gap
My Sluttiest Moment
My First Blowjob
Me, Myself & My Clit
Not Tonight Dear, I’ve Got A Headache (Part 2)
Pure, Unadulterated Desire
Predatory
rhythm
Something Different
slumber interruptis
therapy session #1
Wanton Wednesday- Fuck-toy
Wednesday Night Blues

Sex News, Interviews, Politics & Humor

A Wolf in Sheep’s Clothing
Eden Fantasys Newbie Help Guide
What the fuck, EdenFantasys?
Workshops and More at the ALCC

Crazy, Busy, Update-zy

Life is crazy. Mine happens to be particularly so, and busy in random ways these days. This is in part a disclaimer; I may not be able to keep updating three to five times a week. On the other hand, there may be some weeks where I update every day. But regardless, there will always be a Thursday updates for Answers with an Agenda, but there may be fewer in between. Luckily this will not last a hugely long time, but moving plus job transitions lead to jointly less and more blog time, depending on the moment.Another cool side note, I’m going to be reviewing sex toys. As soon as it comes in the mail, I will give you a nice rundown of a vibrator. Regardless, here is a lovely update on T!

Certain things have gone fabulously. My voice is definitely deeper, and even my so-often-in-denial mother agrees. Admittedly, I sound like a frog because I’m getting over a cough, but the baseline is MUCH deeper. Maybe not quite at a “normal guy range” yet, but I’m happy that I no longer squeak as much as I used to. In fact, my lovely friend Q said a bit ago on the phone that my voice is actually lower than hers, sounding quite impressed and shocked. I told her to fuck off. She laughed. That says a lot about us, I believe. We can be very insulting to one another. It’s how we show our love… But yeah, my voice is coming along nicely. Getting more body hair too, on my ass at least. Facial hair doesn’t seem to be coming in much more, but that is life.

Another good thing is that my acne has not been too bad. Only when I spend all day sweating, lifting, carrying, working, and stressing a lot without drinking enough water do I really break out badly. Which would happen to a lot of people anyways.

Sadly, not everything has gone well. I have to call in to my doc tomorrow because I got my period again. He said if I bleed at all, even spot, after three weeks from my three-month appointment, to call him. That means that last time should have been it, but no, it came again. Figured, ok, so I get one final period in just under that three-week deadline, yup sounds like my body. But now, it came again.

That just about killed my mood for the week.

It messes with my sex drive too. That could have something to do with how much it increases my discomfort with my body, but my desire for sex changes on my period. Sure, this may happen to non-transguys who get periods, but for me it actually alters my drive to more like what it was pre-T. Not to say lessen it par se, but it changes the way it feels, the way my brain thinks about it. I’m not big on the change back, it feels less me. Which maybe that is a good thing, and this just helps show myself that despite my mother’s fears, testosterone IS the right decision for me; however, that does not change my desperation to have it be fucking gone.

To quote A Midsummer Night’s Dream, “Get you gone, you dwarf!”

Answers with an Agenda 2- Kissing

Especially after the feedback I got last week, figured I’d do another sexplanation, except the question I have gotten the most over the years isn’t about sex, but kissing.

How do you kiss (well)?

The first time I got asked this question, it was years ago, early in high school. My friend asked me this in an IM conversation, because she was nervous about kissing a guy for the first time with no experience. Then another friend asked, and another.

Now, I like to think I’m decent at kissing, but the more I’ve kissed, the more I’ve learned about kissing, the less concrete advice I have. The first and most important piece of advice is

Always be adaptable.

What do I mean by that? I mean be ready to change with each kissing partner, because different people do not kiss the same and do not like the same kiss. Be adaptable, and stay adaptable. Now, on to the ‘how-to.’

General advice:

• Everything on this comes from my own personal experiences and preferences. So, if you disagree with something on here, feel free to comment to that extent!
• Use chapstick, lip balm, etc. Most people don’t like kissing chapped lips. It also is often more comfortable to kiss when your lips don’t hurt.
• Don’t eat garlic, onions, or other breath changing foods right beforehand unless your kissing partner did too, or you know they won’t mind the taste
• If you smoke, brush your teeth well before you kiss a nonsmoker
• If you are a nonsmoker, be careful about kissing smokers. It really can taste like an ashtray.
• Don’t have food/gum in your mouth (unless you are intentionally trying to pass something to the other person)
• Practice makes perfect. Few people are naturally good kissers, so getting feedback on your kissing style from a variety of people can really help.
• Most important: HAVE FUN!

A Closed Mouth Kiss:

This kind of kiss is a great place to start, be it for people new to kissing, for kissing someone new, or just to mix things up. Kissing does not always have to be a face-eating lip lock.

I mean, sure, that kiss is a “classic,” but it is not only acceptable, but quite fun to occasionally kiss without either opening your mouth or using tongue. What you do instead is purse your lips together a bit, by bringing in the corners of your mouth a bit. You don’t need to do that a ton, but just enough to help sort of “fluff” up your lips. Also, at the same time, it helps to push your lips out a bit. The goal here, for both of these, isn’t to shove your lips out in the stereotypical pucker “o” for a kiss, but to help cushion the kiss from your teeth.

When actually kissing, lean in, and softly press your lips to theirs. Tilting your head to the side to keep noses from smacking helps, but make sure you tilt your head a different direction as your partner. The goal here is not to have an incredible amount of pressure (you aren’t making a pancake) but enough to sensualize the kiss. This pressure can range from the softest, barely brushing their lips (which can be lots of fun and even tingley) to a greater pressure for a more passionate version. For a longer closed mouth kiss, massaging their lips slightly with yours is often a good choice as well.

An Open Mouth Kiss:

Now, think the closed mouth kiss, but open your mouth up to theirs. A key thing for open mouthed kisses is that teeth should not be hitting. In fact, teeth should almost always be covered by your lips. Moving your lips is key here, not just being a dead fish with the other person taking all the action. Not moving too much, but enough to show your interest. Fun variations include sucking gently on the top or bottom lip, and pulling it out slightly. If you are kissing a masochist, or someone who likes a bit of pain, sucking harder is an option, as is nibbling (yes, using your teeth) on their upper or lower lip. If you really are kissing a masochist, biting down can lead to delightful gasping noises from them.

Be careful about completely covering their mouth and lips with yours, you will end up slobbering all over their face.

A Kiss with Tongue:

Also known as “making out” or “french kissing,” kissing with tongue can be quite a bit of fun! (Okay, tongue leaving cheek now. Pun intended.) But really, this is a blast when doing it right. Go from an open-mouthed kiss, and either accept your partner’s tongue into your mouth, or slide your tongue into theirs. If you are using your tongue into their mouth, I would not recommend immediately trying to see how much of your tongue you can get in their mouth. This is not the time to shove your tongue down their throat to check their gag reflex… no, really. It is important to keep your tongue moving, up and down, side to side, in circles, but vary it a bit so you aren’t just doing the same thing over and over.

It is often better to start the kiss, go for a bit, close your mouth, and then restart. This helps with the variation thing. A few fun tricks include running your tongue across their lips before kissing them (some people like this, some do not,) as well as actively exploring their entire mouth. For more passionate moments, it might be fine to shove your tongue deep into their mouth and “down their throat” but make sure it is ok with your partner, and if they do not like it, then really, do NOT do it. Not so fun if it isn’t what a person is looking for. Again, if you are kissing a masochist, sucking hard on their tongue can sometimes be a good thing, as can biting it, but do those with only extreme discretion.

But what about my hands?!

This is probably what a lot of the people who have asked me about kissing really wanted to know: where to put their hands. A good option is one hand on the side of the person you are kissing’s face, their back, or even their arms. If you are really getting into making out, putting your arms around to their back and moving them around is a good plan. Another fun thing about kissing is that it DOES leave your hands free, to maybe pin them against the wall, run your hands all across their skin, tease their nipple, give them a handjob, scratch their back, the possibilities only end with your imagination.

~~~

Now, for some fun additions, here is a wonderfully bitchy list about some of the kisses I’ve had, from great to horrible!

• Pancake: Closed mouth kiss with so much pressure you feel like your lips are turning into pancakes. Also known as the facemash.
• Catfish: Intentionally named after the bottom feeder, this is when the other person doesn’t move their tongue up at all while making out with you.
• Plunger: When there is negative pressure, and no matter what it seems like the air is being sucked out of your mouth and into theirs.
• Flood: From your nose to your chin, from ear to ear, if you are covered in slobber after a kiss, you just had a flood kiss!
• Cloud: Ever been in an airplane and looked out, and seen the clouds and how fluffy they are? This kiss feels like clouds look like they are supposed to feel. Hot.

Not everyone intellectualizes things quite like this, so to each their own. But the most important thing BESIDES having fun is reading your partner and responding to them. No one kisses quite the same as someone else, so go out and figure out who YOU like to kiss. :D

Recipe- Lasagna

Grabbing inspiration from Emma, I am posting a recipe on here, because 1- I’m hungry, 2- it’s tasty, and 3- I feel like it. Also, be warned that unless you are feeding a large number of hungry people, you will have leftovers. It keeps well in the fridge, or if you make three trays at a time, you can also freeze them before cooking to make another time.

So, here is a good, basic recipe for a vegetarian Lasagna.

• Preheat oven to 325º
• Lasagna pan
• 1 pkg Lasagna noodles (If you can find it, Barilla makes no boil lasagna noodles that are really good, but any will work.)
• 4-5 jars Tomato sauce
• 2 big pkgs shredded Mozzarella cheese
• 2 big pkgs shredded Parmesan cheese
• 1 big pkg shredded other kind of cheese, like provolone or asiago
• 3 containers of whole milk ricotta cheese
• 3-6 XL or Jumbo eggs
• Mixture of Italian spices (basil, rosemary, oregano, tarragon, thyme, garlic, sage)

Stir the ricotta cheese, the eggs and the Italian spices together well. Texture should be fairly smooth, but not totally because ricotta cheese is similar to cottage cheese. Spices will be visible. I prefer to put a lot of spices in, but do what seems best to you. I use whatever spices are on hand.

Spray pan well with Pam, or other such cooking spray, before starting, both the bottoms and the sides. Note- My method of lasagna, is essentially architectural. I BUILD lasagna, it is not meant to be made.

Cover bottom of pan with tomato sauce. It should take about half a jar to two-thirds of a jar. (1cup – 1-½ cups of sauce). Next layer noodles slightly overlapping. Make noodle layer cover sauce.

Next, put down a layer of the ricotta mixture spread evenly. Then sprinkle a layer of each of the other cheeses you have ending with the parmesan.

Then, start the process all over again starting with a layer of the tomato sauce.

Usually you get through either two or three full rounds depending on the depth of your pan. After the last full layer, cover with tomato sauce and sprinkle with parmesan cheese.

Cover with tin foil. Cook on middle to top shelf of oven. Cook at 325 until the top is bubbly. This is usually for 1-½ hours and then remove the foil and continue to cook for 15 minutes. Remove from oven and let sit for at least 10 – 15 minutes before cutting.

Virginity and Somewhere New to Go

Warning, this entry contains potentially triggering content.

Tonight on KinkOnTap, and in its chat room, the question of what is virginity came up. There was an idea bounced about to start a blog chronicling people’s first times. But I posed what is a major issue for me personally:

Define virginity.

Which first time lost me my mine?

Answers with an Agenda 1- Fisting

I’m going to begin with a question a friend of mine asked recently, out of sheer ignorance.

Wait, it isn’t just punching it in? So how do you fist someone?

Now, punching is a viable form of fisting, but for inexperienced people I do not recommend it. Well, I wouldn’t recommend it for anyone, but some people do go for it. Actually, the best way to start getting into fisting is using fingers to penetrate. Personally, I’ve found it best to start off smaller, and work your way up to more and more fingers. Also, fisting is NOT something you should just “spring” on someone. Talk about it before hand, they may be very into the idea, they may run away in terror. But talk about it before. Consent is hot.

However, before you begin, first you should have your favorite kind of lube near by. You don’t “have to” use lube, but it is a lot safer, and I’d say more pleasant. Good lubes for this are silicon lubes because they have more cushion and dry out slower, and water-based lubes like Maximus that are thicker. Use throughout this process and generously. Don’t be afraid to get lube pretty much everywhere. Also, latex (or Neoprene, or whatever) gloves should be used for stopping the spread of STIs, as well as helping not accidently scratch the fistee with fingernails. If you have extra long nails, you can put cotton balls in the tips of the gloves to pad them and keep things safe, otherwise it is a good idea to trim and file your nails. Even if you and your partner have agreed to have unprotected sex, for fisting gloves are still a good idea. It helps your hand slide better, keeps even filed nails from accidently scratching, and it also prevents infection if you are anally fisting from getting into small cuts on your hands. So gloves are good. Lube is is great.

So starting off, it is best to go slow with one or two fingers. See how the fistee is responding, feel how tight they are. Maybe you need them to switch positions, or maybe you realize that your wrist is cramping. Better to do this now than later. Once you’ve gotten started using two fingers for a bit, then it is time to build until four fingers are sliding in and out of the person, and you are on your way.

Four fingers can be done two basic ways. The first is a flat hand, with your fingers all in a line, much as if you were slapping them. This gives a nice ‘wider’ sensation, but some people do not like the unevenness of the pressure, preferring a more round tool for penetration. In that case, it is better to move your fingers inwards, so that the tips are pointing towards the same spot, and the pinky is actually crossed over the ring finger. Be careful about hand cramps.

At this point it is a good idea to check in. A “green/yellow/red” system is quite excellent in this case, because it is best to get the clear “go ahead” before going from using four fingers to fisting. Make sure the receiver is both feeling good about how things have gone so far, and also ready for more. Another good piece of advice is to be sensually teasing them with your other hand the entire time, but especially at this point and further, to help keep them in a heightened state of arousal.

Now, with your hand all slick and most the way in them anyways, it is time to start fisting. This is the hard part. Start by putting your fingers into a duck-bill sort of shape:

Then, VERY slowly, not just inch by inch but truly millimeters at a time, start sliding your hand, including your thumb, into the fistee. Watch your partner very carefully, if they start tensing up, stop and wait for them to relax. If they stop enjoying it, slowly remove your hand and try again another night. Again, keep checking in with them. So, you are sliding your hand in very slowly, until you reach about the knuckles of your fingers. At this point, either continue the in and out motion, if that is all they are wanting, or (more commonly) once your hand is in to the knuckles, begin to curl your fingers around your thumb as you keep slowly pushing inwards. Your hand will naturally do this most of the time anyways. This is when you must be extra careful about your nails. This is why gloves, and carefully trimmed and filed nails, are very important. An example of how your fist will be is this:

Alternatively, you can also make a fist with your thumb underneath your fingers. Now, after you finish getting your hand into the fist, pause and let the fistee adjust to the size of your hand. Now you can, again SLOWLY, start moving your fist a bit more in an in and out motion. If the fistee suddenly tightens down, don’t immediately pull out your hand. Pause, and slowly withdraw. For moving in and out, be careful not to completely withdraw your fist.

But mostly, have fun with it! If you and whoever you are fisting with are not enjoying the experience, then move on to something else.

To recap:

• Gloves are good if you don’t want STIs, or to accidently scratch your partner
• Start of slow, if fisting into a vagina/front hole, make sure the person is very aroused and already wet.
• Grab your favorite kind of lube, and use liberally on the fisting hand and the hole to be fisted
• Place your hand into the beak-esque position
• Slide in slowly, adding more lube if needed.
• If you chose, curl fingers back down into a fist
• Slide hand in and out, though my recommendation is not to pull out completely
• Enjoy yourselves!

Hope you enjoyed my first Answers with an Agenda. Feel free to comment, and especially ask questions for future weeks!